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Things have hit a certain... rock bottom if you will. Nowadays even the evnts I'm looking foreward to have an effect of: "Why did I go to that!? I could have been asleep..." I can only hope and pray that my friends birthday doesn't fall into this category of mental dismay. I don't want to drag her down on her special day. At the same time I don't want to totally blow the whole thing off because I've been looking foreward to this for about 363 days. I can't let her down. I wouldn't be able to live with myself, let alone sleep at night.

Why do I keep fooling myself into thinking she might be interested in some unklikely future relationship? This is ridiculous... I can't let her go and accept that it isn't going to happen. Matter of fact I haven't been able to for four and a half years! It's just going to eat me up inside for years to come. I've lost more sleep than I can count on this topic.

It's probably beacuse of this that I'll remain alone for years to come. Does this count as some sort of relapsing paradox? It's horrible keeping yourself open for a girl who isn't interested. I feel like I'd had my chance so many times in the past... It's disgusting to me.