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"And so they fought. And so they laughed. Friends. Before they knew it, they were inseparable--" Naruto - Chapter 411 - Page 1


The hardest thing to do is lose a friend, even harder when you realize your growing away from them. Not making a friend is hard enough, loosing your best friend is the worst feeling imaginable, knowing your the reason you started growing apart is because of you; well, feeling like s**t just doesn't cover it.
All my life I've never been able to hold friends down, for what reason i don't know. I like being alone, I enjoy being a loner, I don't like friends, yet I couldn't live without them again. One part of me craves to be alone and recently its been taking over, I see myself falling from once strong friendships, but now others are taking my place. My weaker side mourns for them, yet cannot find the strength to pull through, even if it did I'm not sure I'd even know what to do.
I feel as if I'm split a million ways, I can never make up my mind. Every little decision takes a huge toll on me, even though I KNOW I don't like mushrooms, and they make me unwell after words; there is still a part of me that screams take them take them! If I know in advance I'm going out, I think a million times over about what I'll have even if I'm SURE about something I'll start changing my mind soon enough. If I'm caught off guard, I'll usually just order what some did before myself. Its not just that I have trouble making decisions, its something more than that that i cannot place. A therapist or a counselor with most likely tell me its nothing or brand me if a bogus 'ailment' and set me on drugs. I'm possibly the craziest person to walk this earth, yet somehow I guess I'm fine with it. Sometimes I hate myself, never to the point of simply killing myself, oh no. I have too much pride for that I couldn't even try. I've thought about it yet my pride always wins, my selfishness and my desire to win no matter the cost always pulls me out. Yet a darker more sinister part of me, tainted in selfishness and pride wants me to succumb and kill myself.
It feels as if there is something, someone, working inside of me, pursuing me to change my values and lust after the 'forbidden fruit'. I'm afraid its only wishful thing, my only enemy is myself. I don't claim someone is my enemy because they can never be as much of a threat to me as myself, nor can I hate them as much as I hate myself.
Yet, I love myself, I cannot even imagine myself any different. I enjoy not being able to make a proper decision and think for hours on end if it was right or not. I -as weird as it sounds- like thinking too deeply into things and picking them apart every little piece. I like battling myself, its entertaining, seeing how long I can stay standing feeling demolished, yet fulfilled at the same time. Gloating and mourning and my wins and losses against myself. Stabbing myself and healing those wounds over and over again. One through the heart, heal, one through the back, heal... In a way its entertaining how? Well... I'm not too sure myself, its a sort of sick pleasure; like when you were little and you ate chocolate just before dinner time even though you knew you were supposed to. And later basked in the glory of doing something 'bad' to get what you wanted, even if it meant spoiling your appetite and perhaps getting in trouble for it later. It's sort of that that, I think.

Bah, I'm in no mood for this anymore, it's stupid. Perhaps I should claw out my eyes so I wont see the keyboard and not write s**t like this again, even though I find myself doing this a lot. Even so, if I feel such strong hatred for this simple note, why am I publishing it...?