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Alright. It's been a particularly shitty week, so today, I'm going to just put a list of everything that pisses me off about reality into one large entry. Bear in mind that if you think I'm talking about you, unless I've dealt with you in person, I'm not. And by 'in person', I mean 'standing within ten feet of me, facing my direction'.

- People who argue about paying cover to get into the show. Listen, I know that the $5 I'm asking you for could easily go towards another two cans of PBR (like you're going to tip the ******** bartenders, anyway), but we actually pay the bands that play at our bar. You don't like it, you can go away from our bar and argue with the doormen about the $20 a**-rape cover charges THEY ask from you.

- And if you don't show up early enough to see your friend's/cousin's/son's/roommate's/boyfriend's/girlfriend's show, then maybe, and this is just an idea, get to the ******** show earlier. Most places have a 'NO REFUNDS' policy, and if you really wanted to show your support for your boy/girl, then you would've been there at the same time they got there.

- Oh, it's not just the fans, too. Some of you band members need to realize that when the promoter asks you to be at the venue at 8 pm, and you show up at 9:59 and take ******** to load your equipment into the stage area, then start your set an hour AFTER you're supposed to start, you'd better be ready to suck a lot of d**k in order to play at our ******** bar again.

- And by the way, there are a very select few people I will let upstairs without paying cover. These are people that at some point helped us out to a point of keeping us from getting shot. You want me to add you to that list of VIPs, save either my life or the life of one of my coworkers.

- And for the record, the same guy who brought your equipment upstairs is the same guy who's going to bring it downstairs. It's a rare occasion when it's going to be me, so if you either see me wearing a Security hat, gloves, or holding a bank bag or sitting at the gate behind the register, I'm not moving. ******** you and your entourage, and if you have the energy left, your grandparents, too.

- Stop asking me for directions. Living in the same city for 25 years doesn't automatically make me a walking roadmap. The same goes for any city. You ask me where the Alamo is when you're standing in front of it, I'll send your a** to Six Flags and laugh my a** off as you drive away.

- I know that your Burger King job sucks and that you want nothing more than to shove your wang into your manager's ear canal, but do that after you get my Quad Stacker ready. And for those kitchen crew members who don't know how to count to four, what the ******** are you doing working at a burger place, anyway? Isn't there a street corner somewhere that you could stand at with a bottle of Windex and a roll of paper towels? Windshields ain't gonna clean themselves, you know.

- Guys: You touch my girlfriend again, I'll kick your a**. Girls: You touch me again, my girlfriend will kick your a**. We don't give a ********.

- Feminazis, listen up: you're just as bad as men are. I'm in full support of equality of the sexes. I believe that if a woman is as equally skilled and experienced as a man, she should get the same pay and benefits as a man. If you want to surpass men as the dominant gender, that makes you just as bad as the very same assholes you're crusading against.

- Twilight is a shitty concept. Vampires are supposed to do one of two things in sunlight: dissolve into a pile of ashes or explode. They're not supposed to sparkle. Edward Cullen is a f*****t.

- I'm NOT in a band. I don't play any musical instruments, and I don't sing, not even in the shower. Stop asking me to join your band just because I work at a bar.

- Michael Jackson is dead. Yes, he was a very gifted musician who practically changed the face of pop music for generations to come. Yes, he was probably a ***** who had an unhealthy obsession with underage boys. Yes, his death was tragic either way. He's dead, you're not. Move the ******** on already. Here's an Usher CD to get you started.

- Men: put the ******** make-up case DOWN. The only thing wearing black eyeliner does is make you look gay. Unless you've got the dress and the matching pumps, you don't have a reason to wear makeup unless you're King Diamond, Alice Cooper, Marilyn Manson, a member of Kiss, a professional wrestler or an actor.

- You pro-lifers can do all the protesting you want. Do it at another women's clinic, preferably one that's at least three blocks away from a restaurant. I'm not going to have my and my girlfriend's pancake breakfasts ruined because you want to show us what an aborted fetus looks like.

- I hate "Santeria" by Sublime. If you're going to write a song about killing your girlfriend's man-on-the-side, give the lyric sheet to a band that can actually make it sound like he's pissed, instead of trying to make it sound like a ******** love song. "I'll pop a cap in Sancho and I'll slap her down" should not be set to ******** acoustic guitars!

- I love animals just as much as the next person. (Well, maybe not zoophiles, and for the record, furries don't count as zoophiles.) But stop telling me about the suffering of the animals for mankind's benefit. You want to try to change the world in that respect, find a way to go back in time and teach the Australopithecus that meat is bad. I'll eat my ******** burgers and chicken strips without you telling me about the animals. You ******** just want to save the cute ones.

- I have a lot more respect for Spanish matadors than I do for American rodeo riders. Here's why: matadors are taking a bull on on their feet, and the only things they have to fight the bull are a sword and a cape. No ******** armor. Rodeo riders, on the other hand, are just trying to stay on their backs as long as they can. If the bull throws them off his back and stomps the ******** out of him, that's the rider's stupid a**. Bulls are fighters, not amusement park rides, for Christ's sake!

- And speaking of bullfighting, shut up about the matador using a sword. It levels the ******** playing field. The average weight of a matador is 160 lbs. The average weight of a bull is closer to 1,500 lbs. Without the sword, the matador would be ketchup, and yes, there have been numerous occasions where the bull is the one scoring the win instead of the matador.

- I judge a person on their merits, not their skin color or sexual preference. Just because I'm acting like an a*****e doesn't automatically make me racist or homophobic. If I'm giving you attitude, being a different race or being gay doesn't have a goddamn thing to do with it.

- Either drive or pull over to answer your cell phone. My girlfriend needs to concentrate on driving, so I handle the road rage department for her. And believe me, I have a yield of about five megatons on me, and I'm not afraid to unleash it on you if you cut us off, or worse, hit us.

....there. I feel a whole lot better now. Again, if you think I'm targeting you, if you haven't met me in person, then I'm not targeting you.