Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Wow, it's been a while since I wrote a journal, but now is probably a good time. xd Not exactly in the best mental situation so it seems kinda necessary. Ok, let's go.

So, I've been excessively weird since Kayla left. I can't be happy about anything lately. Little things that used to cheer me up don't. I can only read a really good book for so long before my mind starts yelling at me about this and that and suddenly I can't focus on the story and i'm just reading the same line over and over, so yeah. Kayla moving to Georgia has sincerely messed me up. I've never gotten along so well with someone. Me and her clicked and we could talk about everything and she's one of the few people, right up there with Mary and David, who I didn't mind crying in front of when life went to hell. That's a rare thing with me. I hate crying in front of people so loosing one of the few I can trust that much is not sitting well with me. Better yet, everyone I know is telling me I'll find another friend, that i'll make more, and yeah, fine, i will, but that's not helping right now. Someone needs to tell me that it's ok to miss her, that while she's not replaceable in any way, she's still with me and while that's not nearly good enough and never will be, at least she's still there. I wish I had someone who I clicked with that well who was still in Ojai, but I don't and god, I miss her.

To add to that, my grandmother is attempting to be helpful and is really making it worse. >< Pep talks are not her thing. Every time she starts to talk about it, I just wanna break down and bawl my eyes out. On top of that, I collapsed into a tear fest while I was vacuuming! VACUUMING!!! I didn't even know that was possible. WTF?!!! So Ventura sucks cause I'm just stuck in the house by myself wishing i could go for a bike ride or walk down to someones house, but guess what? Everyone i know is in Ojai!

So, that gives me the option of staying in Ojai for most of the summer. Easy enough to sell to Dad until I lost my job. Yep, fired. Two weeks. >< There's no hope for me is there? So, do I tell Dad or do I act like nothing happened? Therapy Tuesday. Ask therapist for advice i guess. xd That's another thing. I've got therapy every Tuesday. Hm, sounds like I'm getting crazier by the moment doesn't it?

Me and mom still aren't getting along. I'm not sure she knows I got back today. Don't really care. If she wants to hate me for being upset about my life, then fine. I refuse to play nice with her right now. She keeps going in my room and I swear to god, just seeing the sheets moved bugs the crap outta me. I can't stand it. I need my own space. With the rest of the world sucking beyond measure, having my own room be at least kinda calming is a necessity.

I installed an air conditioner in my room and have it on the coldest setting possible. If it's warm enough for me to still feel my toes, it's not cold enough damnit. I'm getting very close. They're almost numb.

On top of all this, me and Evan aren't dating but we're not just friends and you know what? I'm pretty sure I'm becoming an all girl type of girl so that'll be fun. What the hell is wrong with me? When I'm wild and upset and crazy, I'll grab any boy within arms reach. When I'm thinking I want someone to say they love me, all I can see is some girl, not a gorgeous one, but pretty and sweet and caring with her arms wrapped around me, whispering it in my ear. There's something seriously wrong with my mind. Just can't be satisfied can i?

Oh, and! Ha! I promised my therapist I wouldn't cut. So I've been slapping a rubber band across my wrist the past four days. Beautiful little red dots have begun to show. Even better. The rubber band is not helping by the way. I really want a razor, especially after I got fired. Not what I needed at all.

So, I'm gonna go curl up with my new book (Glass, yay meth addictions!) and hope someone i actually want to talk to comes online.