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There's another ENTRY before this call

NEVER AGAIN

that is all....





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Over the next couple of weeks things in my life have been declining. My income for example was one. I started to
go to Marketplace, less, more and more each day. Especially after making a bad investment on a "fad" item. How was
I to know the Aquarium items would make a plummet down towards the worst?
I've spent more then what's selling now so I am stuck with the items. On top of that I am an emotional wreck.
I've always been an emotional creature...I feed off emotions people give me. So when Cani started to come home
less and less without reasoning our arguements begin to grow sky high. I am very sensative to words and I listen very carefully
when someone use a word out of context, with that, I pounce on them and EAT THEM ALIVE!

Yes well arguing, though my favorite pass time has been very draining too. All the fights Cani and I was having
reminded me of a time when I was with someone who I love dearly but every other word was a bitter debate. I always ran to
Cani, then, who was me heroine. My other perfect half who understood me better then anyone else could, not
just physically but emotionally...but now...now she's becoming
like all the rest. The last heated conversation we had I fuss at her for not coming home in two days.

"Where were you?" I snap at her. It was 2am I was wearing bunny slippers and my hair was wrap in a towel.
"You left with out any note or phone call. Now i've been silent in the past about your disapperance but really what's WRONG
with with yoU! I was so worry where ja go--"
" I haven't been home... so sue me" she says non chalant. She didn't bother too look me in the eye instead she head towards the
the bedroom and shut the door. Journal I wanted to rip her a new one! Instead I ball up all my anger
and crash on the counch. HA! that'll teach her, right! She knows i'm angry she'll come out and apologize sincerly.

However she never did come out to get me and when I woke up the later she was already gone.
That was two weeks ago. Hence when we last seen and or spoke to each other.

So at this point journal, I can hear you saying

Well whatta about Suicide haven't you been hanging out with him?

No Journal I haven't. Once he got through "Lemme-talk-about-my-ex-girlfriends-phase" Conversations had been very flat.
Emotionally, which is how I function, he never understood me. He could never tell when I was angry or being sarcastic,
or knowing when I lied about NOT being angry or sarcastic.
He never understood the difference of me being genuine and me making fun of him. It's like he got into his own world
when speaking with me and that all what matters in his world was that I spoke. It didn't matter what I say but has long as
I spoke.

Truly though with my bent up annoyance for Cani and my frustration with Suicide I was on the edge of an emotional meltdown.
Now Journal, you don't know this about me but when I go through an emotional meltdown I cut people from my life.
So I was on the verge of losing it and then he did it.
I was standing at the tipsy edge of the cliff and then Suicide blew on me making me fall. Tumbling down towards the callous ground.

You see one day I went over his place and we was having a disccusion no big deal now he haven't notice my answers been short
with him, because remember journal he's in his own little world. So when he clear his throat and his tone got deeper.
I lift up my eyebrow in confusion. I dear say, look like he wanted to tell me something important.

"Uh this is hard for me" he giggle pulling on his collar.
"Right, what's the matter" I said not really caring.
"Well I just wanted to let you know that Um..I'm not ready."
I stare at him for about 30 seconds when I realize this idiot is not going to continue.
"What are you talking about?" I said annoyed at the fact I had to ASK him a question to continue on with his statement.
"I'm not ready for...a girlfriend."
"OKay. That's great. Why you're telling me?"
" Because you know you got jealous when I mention I was flirting with other girls-- granted they were underage but still"

Now Journal remember when I said he could never tell my emotions. It seems he confuse when I was actually joking around
with him for being serious. Earlier in the convo when I first came he talk about how he met up with two underage girls who
was excited about seeing him flash people. I let out a gasps, pretending I was hurt and exclaim he cheated on me!
Now I NEW something was wrong when he gave me a funny look but I dismiss it saying
"He's in that world again"

Now I am upset because he thinks, for the life of him, that I could be actually jealous.

"And then you're always calling me snapple muffin and other cute nicknames"

"I always call people by cutesy nicknames!"
"Well I'm just...not use to it...you see only when girls are interested in me do they call me nicknames like that. Like my
ex-girlfriend--"
"OH NO no no nonononon NO! You are NOT going to talk about your ex girlfriend UH UH not today!"
"Well I just want to be friends anyway"
"RIGHT." <----Pure sarcasm people but of course he didn't got that.

So now I'm silent trying to cool my fuming hate that is brewing inside of me. We was silent for a couple of seconds before
he start back a new convo as if NOTHING HAPPEN. NOW I'm ANGRY --You don't ignore our confratention as if nothing
occur! And this ooh-- this imbecile kept chatting it up. You see after HE said what HE wanted to say. HE went back into
his own world and HE felt fine with how things went down meaning EVERYTHING was okay and that I should be fine too because
HE was fine.

"His World"

When he FINALLY notice something was wrong with me. Instead of talking to me about my feelings and the
current situation. HA! oh no Journal, no no no...you see he put his hand on his chin look up in the sky and said

"Maybe I should become friends with Cani maybe she will tell me more about you."

Journal I wanted to cry. Not because I was sad but because I was offended and I was SO MAD I could have slapped him.
Why didn't I?....Hmm good question.

This fool I'm right here journal right HERE. Why don't he just ASK me what he want to know or better yet
maybe he can stop being so selfish he would actually pay attention to me on a more mental and emotional level he might
actually get me. AND he's going to talk to the ONE PERSON who don't even KNOW ME right now!

Well that was it. I got up and left.
I told him to Shut the F*** up and left.


The next morning I awoke to a new voicemail.
From Suicide saying :

Yeah I just call Cani and we talk for a while but of course you already new that just uh wanted to tell you.





....


Yeah Journal. Excately. stare