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MadHouse Episode 3: Zombies, Axes and Andrew, Oh my
*The Scene opens up with Chris standing once again infront of the bathroom mirror*
Chris: YOU’RE COMING TO US LIVE FROM THE MADHOUSE, or an hour later if you’re on Bell (i better get payed for that), well folks me and Chef are truly astounded, usually we’re the ones that are tormenting the contestants but the contestants are tormenting us, HOW MESSED IS THAT. After spending a few hours yesterday searching for those hidden cameras and taking a good look at the repairs i concluded that Bobobo was actually the real deal and that I am not losing my mind.....totally. We’ve got a pretty interesting day for the contestants today though, we’re gonna throw them into their first challenge and see who can take the heat and who wants out of the ov-
*CRACK*
Chris: OH GOD, RYGEORS GOING THROUGH THE ROOF AGAIN.
*CRACK*
Chris: Wait....no.....it sounds more like wood being chopped.
*CRACK*
*Chris looks behind him to see what looks like a giant battle axe blade sticking through the door, suddenly in retracts and takes swings once again towards the door*
Chris: DEAR SWEET BABY JESUS
*Chris dives into the bathtub just as the axe smashes through the door then swings back out again*
Chris: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT
*Andrew pops his head in through the side of the door and waves*
Andrew: Oh sorry about that Chris were you taking a poop or something
Chris: Well i wasn’t before but i think i just did *ducks as the axe swings over his head*
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT
Andrew: Oh this, its jsut my new security system i set up to protect my chocolate milk cartons.
Chris: So let me get this straight you installed an axe that swings from the wall to the interior of the bathroom TO PROTECT YOUR F***ING CHOCOLATE MILK.
Andrew: Oh i only installed it here cause there was a window that it could swing out of, there are a few more axe’s down the hall.
Chris: WHERE THE HELL DO THOSE SWING INTO.
Andrew: Well let’s see here.....one swings into loyde’s room and out the window in front of it, another into Rygeor’s and out the opposite window and saw blades that pop out of the walls and floor infront of my room.
Chris: Did you even check if anyone was in those room.
Andrew: Well loyde’s downstairs on the Xbox so he is’t in his room.
Chris: What about rygeor?
Andrew: Hmm, now that i think about it i never actually checked his room.
*From down the hall a low moan can be heard*
Rygeor: heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllllppppp meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Chris:.......you installed the axe so that it would swing into his room, without actually checking if he was still in it, YOUR A BLOODY IDIOT.
Andrew: How can i be an idiot if i set up all these swinging axes off a single fan motor.
Chris: You made all this with a single fan motor?
Andrew: I like to think of myself as a Mini MacGyver.
Loyde: ANDREW CODE GREEN CODE GREEN
*Loyde comes running down the hall and stops beside Andrew*
Loyde: Andrew we have a hug- is that an axe swinging into my room.
Andrew: Yes
*Thwack*
Loyde: was that the axe hitting my computer?
Andrew:No you must be mistaken.
*Thwack*
Loyde: No, i’m pretty sure that’s the noise a computer makes when its hit with an axe
Andrew: and you would know that noise how?
Loyde: Touché, but we have bigger problems.
Chris: Is someone gonna help me..
Loyde: Oh hey Chris, didn’t see ya there.
Chris: Something that’s been happening alot today.
Loyde: Whatever back to the matter at hand, the 360 has been stolen!
Andrew: WHAT!!!!!
Loyde: Ya i went down to play and it was gone
Chris: what the hell that must have taken you what 5 min, how the hell did Andrew build all those axes in that time.
Andrew: I work fast, i wanted to protect my chocolate mi- Oh no.....maybe the theif wanted more than just the Xbox.
*with that Andrew turned around quickly dodging all the axes expertly and then carfully timing his way past the saw blades, managing to open the door to his room and enter*
Loyde: Oh forget that.
*Loyde looks around and notices an Off switch on the wall, he quickly presses it and then walks past all the now stationary axes, only pausing in front of Rygeor’s room*
Loyde: How’s it going Rygeor?
*Rygeor is lying on the floor with one of the axes and inch from his crotch*
Rygeor: Well i can’t complain
Loyde: Ok then *continues to walk on*
Rygeor: I WAS KIDDING HELP MEEEEEEEEEEE
*Loyde walks into Andrew’s room, decorated with a workbench, a very custom looking computer and a cupboard that say’s “’Splosive, NO TOUCHY” plus the usual spiel of stuff, Andrew was kneeling in the middle of all this cradling a choco milk carton in his hand*
Andrew: They’re gone, they’re all GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNEEEEEEE
Loyde: Ok then
Andrew: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
Loyde: You done?
Andrew: Yep lets go find the theif.
*Outside the MadHouse the mailman was walking up to the front door to deliver mail*
Mailman: Doot doot doot delivering the mail, dobey do time for some mai-GAH!
*Two people jump out from the bushes beside the door and beat the mailman*
Mailman: Oww.... my ......head
Loyde: What the heck did you use to beat him down.
Andrew: I used my crime stopping link sausage.
Loyde: Why a crime stopping sausage.
Andrew: Cause i like my sausage.
Mailman: That’s.....what.....she.....said......
Loyde: He’s in so much pain that he’s resorted to terrible jokes.
Andrew: He just didn’t like getting hit by the sausage.
Mailman: That’s.....what.......he.....said......
Loyde:......Hit him again
Andrew: Okay
*Andrew brings the sausage down on the mailman’s head that it cracks the concrete around it*
Loyde: HOLY CRAP ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL HIM OR SOMETHING.
Andrew: That was the original plan but it seems to have failed.
Loyde: So you we’re trying to kill him.
Andrew: Ya I hate the TWSS joke, it’s dead.
Loyde: Ok whatever let’s just get him into the interrogation room before he wakes up and makes you try to kill him again.
*A few minutes later the mailman regains consciousness and realizes he’s tied to a chair in the middle of a dark room*
Mailman: Hello is anyone there?
*From out of the darkness two guys wearing long red coats and strange furry black hats walk out and stand in front of him*
Red guy 1: I zee zat he has avoken
Red guy 2: Yez indeed he haz.
Mailman: Who are you?
Red guy 1: I am Gen’ral Andrew and my azoziate is Commandant Loyde.
Loyde: Yez, and ve have a few Queztions to ask you Mr.........
James: Uh..uh i’m James
Andrew: Very well zen Mr. James you will tell us everything you know.
James: Huh?
Loyde: Tell uz everything that we ask you to tell uz.
James: Oh......
Andrew: Vere zid you ‘ide ze stuff you stole?
James: I didn’t steal anythi-*SLAP*
Loyde: ZOO NOT LIE ZOO US VE HAVE OUR VAYS OF MAKING YOU ZALK.
James: Ow what was that for, and are you really Russians? It just sounds like your putting a bunch of z’s in front of your words.
Andrew: Ze Zoo Zot Znow Zwhat Zou Zar Zalking Zabout
James: ok a two year old would figure that out.
Loyde:.........
James:........
Andrew: ..........Dam he’s good, but you’d still better tell where you hid it.
James: Hid what?
Loyde: IT DAM You
*Slap
James: GOD DAM IT, STOP DOING THAT, WHAT KINDA GOOD COP BAD COP ROUTINE IS THIS.
Andrew: Oh no, we roll with Bad Cop, Crazy Cop, i’m the crazy cop
*The door opens behind them to show smith standing there with a questioning look on our face*
Smith: what are you guys doing?
Andrew: We’re trying to get our stolen item back from this perp.
Loyde: Ya he stole our thing and then acted like he was the postman.
James: I actually prefer mail man.
Andrew: SHUT IT YOU!
*Slap*
James: STOP DOING THAT.
Loyde: Last chance tell us where you hid it.
James: I don’t know what you’re talking about..
Loyde: Fine have it you way.
*From behind his back Loyde pulls out a strange metal box with prongs on the end of it*
James: What.....w-what does that do?
Andrew: I don’t know but it has prongs?
*Andrew and Loyde look at each other, nod and the Loyde begins to move it closer and closer to James’ eyes*
Smith: Uh guys?
Loyde: What?
Andrew: Can’t you see where going to stick this device into his brain.
Smith: Ya about that, before you go and do something that the U.N. may have a problem with, why not just tell him what it is your looking for.
Andrew: We already did and he didn’t tell us where he hid it.
Loyde: Wait.....now that i think about it, we actually never did tell him what got stolen.
Andrew: wait let me check.
*Andrew: Reaches his had towards the screen and flips around the script reading the dialogue for the last 20 min*
Andrew: Ah there we said it over there on page 3.
Loyde: Not really, the only way we referred to the stolen item was as an “it”.
*Andrew quickly scans the script*
Andrew: Ha, and we we’re about to use an extremely painfull method to extract the information when he didn’t even know what we were looking for.
Loyde: Hey what’s that smell.
James: I jazzed in my pants.
*Slap*
James: SON OF A B***H
Andrew: what did i say about bad jokes.
Loyde: Okay let’s start fresh, where did you hide the Xbox
Andrew: Xbox, who cares about that, WHERE IS MY CHOCOLATE MILK.
Smith:.........
Loyde:..........
James:.........you were torturing me over chocolate milk.
Andrew: It isn’t the first time let me tell you.
Loyde:........So we weren’t even interoggating him for the same thing.........
Smith: Uh guys?
Andrew&Loyde: WHAT!
Smith: I know where both you missing items are.
Andrew&Loyde: WHERE!
Smith: Well i red ringed the Xbox so i sent it in to a friend who fixed it for me quickly, so that Loyde wouldn’t know and now its downstairs.
Loyde: I’M COMING ALFRED.
Smith: Wow.....he named his Xbox......what a freak.
*Andrew grabs smith and throttles him against the wall and in an almost dmonic voice says*
Andrew: WHERE’S MY CHOCOLATE MILK.
Smith: GAH....choking.....you gave me the last one, and said i could pay you back later.
*Andrew drops smith*
Andrew: Oh ya forgot about that...... so you got it?
Smith: right here.
*Smith hands Andrew a bag filled with choco milk cartons*
Andrew: ah my Preciousssssssssssssss
*Andrew skips off with the choco milk*
Smith: This show should be called the freakhouse
James: Uh hello?
Smith: Oh ya almost forgot about you.
James: ......That’s what she said.......
Smith You know what you can stay there for a while longer......
James: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
*Later that day down in the grand dining room, Chris, Chef, and and all the contestants were sitting around the table having a meeting*
Chris: Well contestants, today is a big day for you, wanna know why? Cause it’s challange day one day, YAAAAAAAY.
Jill: So what do we have to eat something disgusting or something.
Chris: No you have to survive a Zombie Armageddon.
Contestants:.............
Chris: Which will start in 3......2.......1......Go.
*All the doors to the Grand dining hall swing open allowing mounds and mounds of zombies to swarm in*
Andrew:.........
Loyde:.........
Alexandra: IN WHAT FLIPPIN’ WAY IS THIS A CHALLENGE, THOSE ARE ZOMBIES.
Chris: The challenge is to not get eaten
Alexandra:..........I can see why the contestants on TDI hated your guts
Chris: It’s a living.
*Suddenly Andrew and Loyde sprint past all the Zombiesand out of the dining hall.
Carter: HEY DON’T LEAVE US HERE.
Jill: You know what i just realised, Chris and Chef are stuck here too.
Chris: Actually we’re not even here, your just looking at holograms that we had Andrew build.
Chef: Then we had him build a mind wiping device that zaps his memories so that he wouldn’t know this would happen.
Will: Psh i can take a horde of zombies anyday
*Will produces a scythe from out of nowhere and rushes the zombies*
Chris: Where the hell did you get that from.
Will: I had Andrew make it for me.
Chris:.........dam
Chef: looks like we’re not the only ones who exploit Andrew.
*Up on the third floor Andrew and Loyde we’re making quick progress to Andrew’s room*
Loyde: So you’re sure you got something that can take care of the zombies.
Andrew: I have something to take care of everything, and if i don’t i can make it in 5 minutes.
*Andrew and L surprised yde enter the hallway to Andrew’s room only to find that it is swarming with zombies*
Loyde: So Andrew was this part of your plaaaaaannnn, part of you scheeeemmmee, hmmmmm.
Andrew: Gimme a minute i’m thinking
Loyde: was i part of your set up? Your whole master plan, hmmmmm?
Andrew: Oh shut up Loy.....
Loyde: What?
Andrew: i got it
Loyde: got what.
Andrew: My security system.
Loyde: the one you built today.
Andrew: Ya.......
Loyde: Convinient.
Andrew: I know right, anyways push the button kron- i mean Loyde.
Loyde: Ok.
* Loyde pushes a button and a pan falls from the ceiling and hits Andrew in the head*
Andrew: Ow......the other button.
Loyde: sorry bout that, pushing the button.
*Loyde pushes another button and the pendulum axes drop from the ceiling, while the sawblades pop out of the walls, slicing everything in their path, 5 minutes later the floor was littered with the remains of zombies, while Andrew and Loyde just stood there.
Andrew: Excellent the system works.
Loyde: remind me not to make an attempt for your choco milk.
*They turn off the system and run into Andrew’s room, Andrew walks over to his trunk while Loyde looks around*
Andrew: Lets see here Lightning lashes check, Magnums check, secret weapon check, hey Alex what do you want.
Loyde: what do you have?
Andrew: Well i got some hammers, rifles, a twinkie, chainsaw boxing gloves, and some other stuff.
Loyde: what was that last one.....
Andrew: the other stuff?
Loyde: No before that.......
Andrew: Chainsaw boxing gloves.
Loyde: OH OH GIMME.
Andrew: They’re kinda hard to use, but here.
*Loyde puts them on, revs them and then punches a hole through a wall*
Andrew: Hey, hey, hey watch the walls.
Loyde:Sweeheeeheeet.
Andrew: *While putting on a green pouch* ready?
Loyde: let’s see am i ready to go against a zombie apocalypse with only boxing gloves that have Chainsaws installed in them........OH HELL YA.
Andrew: Then let’s roll.
Loyde: What’s in the pouch.
Andrew: Oh you’ll see.
*Downstairs The rest of the contestants had managed to use bodies accumulated by Will and Smith to make a small base*
Will: it sure was lucky that you had that assault rifle on you smith.
Smith: In this house i don’t leave my room without it.
Will: what about jill’s sniper.
Jill: I don’t go anywhere without it.
Will: What about on dates?
Jill biggrin ates?
Smith: that explains everything..........
*Thump*
Smith: What was that?
Carter: Uh guys, Rygeor just fainted.
Will: Wuss.
Carter: I actually think it’s cause his bats sucked his blood again.
Smith:.......why the hell does he keep those for.
Jill: Pills here!
Alexandra: Where?
Jill: I dunno i just felt like saying that for some reason.
Alexandra: Ya cause pills just tend to go two and two with ZOMBIE HORDES.
Will: Snickers here!
Alexandra: Okay jill just said that what’s the point of replacing pills with snickers.
Will: No seriously there are a couple of snickers bars here.
Smith: Sweet, can i have one.
Will: MINE!!!
Carter: TANK!!!!!!
*A rather large zombie balancing only on its massive fists makes a run for their barricade*
Rygeor: Hey guys what’s going on *spots the tank* i feel funny *faints*.
Carter: Fail.......
Smith: Well we’re dead.
Jill: any last wishes?
Will: Snickers......
*A snickers falls from the ceiling and hits him in the head*
Alexandra: More grenades to fall in front of the Tank.......
Jill: What!?!?
Alexandra: All i want is a few ore of those grenades to fall in the path of that tank.
*The group turns to see what appears to be a storm of grenades dropping in front of the Tank, the minute the tank walks into the center of them they all go off*
Smith: WE’RE ALIVE.
Jill: but how.
Andrew: up here.
*The group looks up to see Andrew and Loyde sitting on a crossbeam, dropping grenades onto the zombie’s below*
Andrew: This was a good idea huh.
Loyde: Shh i’m thinking *tosses a grenade* mmmhmm*tosses another* uh huh *tosses another* ah i got it.
Andrew: Whatever it is it better be good you just tossed our last grenade.
Loyde: We’ll jump down an-*Crack*
Andrew:.........
Loyde:........in advance i’d like to day ouch.
*the beam they’re sitting on splits down the middle, giving way and dropping the two into the horde’s of the undead*
Andrew: Hit the gound running.
Loyde: That’s for a car you dolt.
Andrew: Ah
*The moment they hit the ground all the zombie’s converge on their location, piling up on the crash site*
Smith: They’re gone.
Jill: Outlived their usefulness.
Alexandra: smoked like swiss cheese.
Carter: *holds up a sign that says pwnd*
Will: *holds up a sign showing a snickers bar*
*Suddenly a bright light flashes from the pile and sends all the zombies flying*
Andrew: See, the lighning lashes were useful to bring.
Loyde: Ya ya whatever, i’m like the freakin Rocky Balbola of Zombie killing.
*The two run head on into the group, Andrew breaking out in a strange break-dancing-sword fighting style, while Loyde simply went for a hook into the face, tearing through with the chainsaws*
Smith:........this is madhouse?
Will: CHEARGE!!!!!!
*The remaining contestants rush in and help mop up what the dynamic duo miss, within 5 minutes the entire Madhouse is zombie free.
Chris: crap.......
Chef: hmm no one got killed, or ran away.
Chris: though Rygeor did faint, wasn’t that hilarious.
Chef: I know right.
Chris: but dam, we’re not going to get our deposit on those zombies back.
*The door behind them is kicked open revealing a blood soaked Andrew and Loyde*
Andrew: Ve have our vays of making you scream.
Loyde: And ve love to use them.
Chris: what’s that smell?
Chef: Fear........
*Somewhere else in the madhouse*
James: Is anyone there, i’m kinda getting hungry.....Helloooooooooooooooo.
FIN!
*Ah wooo, wasn't that fun, we got to watch Andrew and Loyde torture James, and the house was overrun by zombies, good times, gooooood times.