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Seriously, don't do this.


Back when my D&D group was just getting off the ground, there were talks of a fellow who we will call jeff to protect his identity. Jeff kept getting invited to the games, but never showed. I found out that he does a lot for his church, so I couldn't find the time.

I was not amused. Why should he have to run off and pretend god instead of having fun with a few people who needed him?

When he first finally showed up, he rolled a cleric (OH GEE, I WONDER WHY?) of pelor. My players know me as a DM that throws a lot of odd hooks into the plot and plans ahead a multitude of different plot branches. I already had a big set of adventures ready, but decided to change plans at the last minute for a special plan.

In the first game, he attempts to use Divine strike. I tell him "nothing happens". He asks why not and I tell him that pelor works in mysterious ways. When he pressed for more information I reply "Your character doesn't know".

Throughout the game, I don't record damage for his divine attacks and manage to hide the fact that he is contributing nothing. He knows his heals don't work, but that is the full extent of his knowledge.

At one point, he blows his daily and it hits a creature that the party knows can only have around 6 HP left. The monster lives. Jeff absolutely FUMES. He asks why it didn't do anything and I reply "You can't prove it did nothing". He goes on about how a 18 should hit the monster and I remain a stony visage.

He starts ranting an raving about why I won't let him do anything and I tell him that he has done a lot in the story. He then says that his prayers aren't working. I reply "You can't simply test pelor. You must be patient and your prayers will be rewarded in unexpected ways".

He blows up pretty badly, causing everybody on the table to give him an odd look. I start trembling and say "Please jeff, calm down". He is still royally pissed. I told him that being a cleric wasn't a waste because his character learned quality moral values He says "My character has values whether he's a cleric or not!" I ask him if praying did not have any effect on his characters morales or made him a better person and he flips out even more. He demands to see my notes and reaches over the DM screen, knocking it over.

I thought fast and had a beautifully terrible idea. Behind the screen, I knocked my beverage into my own lap. I put on a look of pained embarrassment and emotional vulnerability, gazing iinto my lap and upon Jeff in horror. I ran out of the house to sulk and waited a couple minutes. Some of the players came out to see me and asked me how I was. They said they were sorry I was treated that way and invited me back inside, promising they wouldn't let Jeff yell at me again.

I walk up to my coke-soaked DM notes that were planted for such a reveal. I handed these notes over to Jeff and informed him in a submissive voice "I really worked hard on this hook. I thought you would really enjoy it". I included fake damage logs of all the past encounters that falsified how much damage he truly dealt and had some notes about monsters with a bonus defense against divine powers.

One of the players suggested that today was a rough day and everybody might benefit from a rest and a fresh start next session. Everybody leaves, not sparing Jeff from several "douchebag of the century" looks.

When everybody was gone, I took a moment to reflect. This scheme had taken me three weeks to prepare, conditioning Jeff for his final stand, but it could not have gone more perfectly up to now.

The next saturday I meet at my FLGS where three of my players were doing another game. They all apologized again and said they would not play with him again. These players are in so many of the games at this store that it was practically a house ban, and Jeff had come to this store before.

I put on my troll face and joined their now faithfag-free game.