After all of the struggle through three years, I had my heart broken on Monday. The 28th of December, I guess. I can't really remember.
I moved in with my friend for a few days to ease the pain. To try to forget. We spent every waking moment trying to make me forget and she even set me up on a date... which was terrible. HE was a real jerk. The second night with her, we went to a local coffee house to chill. she accidentally played a song that reminded me of him.
John Mayer. Your Body is a Wonderland.
God, he used to sing that to me all the time, accompanying himself on guitar and looking up into my face with those baby blues...
I cried all of my eyeliner and mascara off before we even got to the coffee shop, so I looked ridiculous. We met two of my oldest friends there and then later walked across the street to a restaurant.
We parted ways and Michelle and I returned to the coffee shop. I took a few stepps in and heard the elevator ring. My eyes shifted to the right where I saw him standing. I froze. He wasn't supposed to be working that night. Why was he here.
He dumbfoundedly threw up a hand slightly and said 'hi'. I waved and rushed away from him. I went up the stairs with Michelle close behind. I was shaking with pain and anger and grief. I was screaming in my head "THREE YEARS! THREE ******** YEARS!"
I sat quietly and began to knit while Michelle began to read a book. I think an hour went by when I was craving a cig and couldn't take it anymore. I went downstairs to order a drink and the barista was outside. Justin looked upat me and asked if I wanted a drink. All I could do was nod slightly.
He made me the usual, staring at me the whole time. I wouldn't look at him. He asked me how I was doing. I said I was great and I was having a good time with Michelle. If he is so ******** worried about me, why would he break up with me in the first place?
After I had my cig and came back inside, free drink paid in full by HIM in hand, I began back up the stairs. i could feel his eyes on me. I looked back several times, catching his gaze.
He confuses me. He breaks my heart but then acts like he wisheshe never had done it. It was intentional though. It was messy. It even seemed like, on his part, it was all really well thought out. So why is he showing all these signs of remorse?
Tonight, I'll return to Michelle's house for a bonfire New Year's party and hopefully drink enough to forget his name for a while.
I just wanna run from all of this. I mean, what if he asks me to take him back? I can't handle that right now. I would want to say 'no' but I would end up feeling hurt enough and he would end up saying all of the right things and I would tell him 'yes'.
Someone help...
 lonely-shadow · Thu Dec 31, 2009 @ 10:08pm · 0 Comments |
