I just hurt myself today with a writing pen at work today. I really don't know how it happen but I'm trying to understand why I did it. I didn't cry but seeing the blood slowly falling down my arm as the pen on the floor scared me really. My employees called the manger then the cops came in. We talk why and how I did but asking me I should be in a hospital but I refuse it. I mostly clean the blood off my left arm really. For some reason I don't want the help but in the end I with anyway.
In the hospital I go... some of the nurses talk to me and ask question on the reasons why I just said "I had a meltdown with stress..." so they can leave me alone. It didn't help much as they didn't want me to leave. So I wanted in the hospital bed slowly as times pass by I with to bed. Minutes became hours as I lay down asking questions on myself but still no answer until my brother came and visit me.
We talked as my doctor might send me to a rehab center. The area I don't know but I don't care so I agree to it.
Mostly cause now everyone thinks I'm suicidal now and they mightn't leave me alone cause I'm on suicide watch... so I thought.
Hours pass they let me go but I have to pick up some clothes at my apartment and head to this rehab center cause like they said "You need the help..." I really don't want to go but I sign the papers that I'll be there and my doctor that gives me meds want me there. "Might as well..." I said to myself as I with there.
It was late at night already they were asking more question about this and that about me and if I have any scars and such. More and more of this I feel confused and scared that I don't know what to think. Until I with into the unit...
The people there were nice as one of them remind me of my uncle voice. Made me feel safe but the whole time I didn't like it.
Camera watching every moves and lock doors that you need key card or pin numbers. I met this one creeper no joke but he freak me out when he touch my foot. Like he wanted to rub them.
I change my mind this place sucks and I regret signing the papers!!!
June 17
I counted this as "Day One" on my recovery as I got this journal log in "Day Three" when I started to ask questions and request form the outside world. My pin number was #6**1 so they would send it to me.
Edit
Not putting full pin numbers
so I might as well just document everything that has happen to me until my release. Well... too start I talked to few people so far and learn what I can form group meetings and such... People I met so far wasn't much of an interesting but there are time limits.
Still funny when as there smoke breaks. It a rehab and there smoking. I heard it a non-smoking hospital ((As they called it)) yet they smoke in here.
I'm mostly quite but playing poker with two people. Joe and Cindy ((as they seen fun...))
We played cards almost all day. I don't understand why but it feel like jail here. Anyway the guy that has my uncle voice they called him "10-4" I'm guessing he a trucker.
10-4 story
He volunteer as he been here few years at first he try to hang himself as his wife or girlfriend play mind games with him. Sad to hear that as they or say that. He have kids but don't recall on them.
but there this guy I drawn in a poker game of 5-cards name Rick. I don't know much about him later on but his story is common. Gay, mom dad hates him and called him "Satan", abuse by his boyfriend for 3 years and got into drugs.
Anyway Cindy and Joe know each other and it my first time in "Rehab" as they called it. I didn't like it much as I miss my job. After group I mostly hang and listen to what he says.
Joe story
He a runaway since 5 and leaving in the street as he hate his dad or something like that. Later on the years he works as cars and try to get a job at cars and such family is rich-ish but mostly is grandmother is wanted on the FBI. Died twice and been in county jail for 60's days. He lives in his own world thinking he like Roger Rabbit mostly cause he knocks as he named few people he knows.
((Not as nuts but you know))
He been in rehab but repeat himself few times.
I didn't get Cindy story all I know she 23... I failed that. Mostly hate this place not because I'm at the adults but I feel bored. All I did was hanging out and there nothing to do but chit chat and play cards. I feel like it a retired home... FFFF- it is like one!! Even most of the time there this women I can't re-call her name but she cries most of the time and... I don't know. She has a tattoo in her chest but mostly I just feel bad when she brokedown at the phone booth.
Quote:
Her quote "I'm gonna fu*k his whole family I don't care! *sniff* his dad is on a wheelchair I'll just fu*k him too"
I don't know but I'm starting to feel crazy as this keep going on...
June 18
I woke up feeling like cr*p this morning but I saw my doctor but it was more of a blur. I drag myself as it another day in this places. I wish time fly but that not possible. Too slow...
I feel like I'm going insane but most of the time I try to think why I did it. I sometimes black out thinking about it but mostly cause it boring and everyone asleep in the couch. I should be getting payed but I might pick up my check some other time.
I feel like playing chess or uno but they didn't pulled it out. I hate this really but I like the food and hate the coffee. Groups were fun this time mostly cause I know the answer "Anger" is such an easy subject.
Slowly Rick left and Mark too...
Mark story
He Anorexia and not ready as he said to be out there. Mostly cause he want to gain weight and shown me his belly that he is but little. His family doesn't get it that it only two weeks you can stay here not a month so basically it harsh to know they don't want him home.
We talk at the hallway mostly cause he had a fight with his mom that they need to pick him up. "I can't see can you read this?" He said to me. "Blind rage?" I replied taking the paper but later I told him its his release papers. Then... he told me his story. I know we didn't talk much or know each other but it was nice to know what he was going though.
Rick left too and ask me to write my name and gave him my number so we can stay in contact. I drawn him as he liked it...
In the end it became sad but mostly I take the pills and watch Tv at 5'oclock as that what time we can watch tv... Joe talks to me few times but mostly recovery sucks. I WANT TO GO HOME!!!
June 19
Saturday are great mostly cause I would watch Saturday morning cartoon... in adult sides. Eh, it suck! No groups the whole day and all we did was talk and play cards. This is bull!! I later ask for my jacket at home form my friend as he my roommate. I ask him for few items at my places but hope I get it. This is mostly bull but nothing to do but just stare at each other and sleep.
People would wake up and smoke a cigarette but I don't smoke. 10-4 keep on hitting on the nurse make me think why they called him that. Then again I don't thin I want to know. So I think about my issue and why am I here but ask a nurse why am i really here?
Only answer I got was to get my med and treatment. That it... I find that hard to believe but then again what should I believe now? I don't believe myself? I sometimes think this is just a dream as I'm living a nightmare as this isn't me!! I KNOW THIS ISN'T ME!!!
*rip page*
I'm losing my mind as I remember my boss told "If you repeat yourself and expect a new result you'll get the same result"
I believe that what he meant or something like that but this is insanity!! I don't know... This is bull really
June 20
Father day huh, I liked it today... LIES!!! THOSE TWO THAT CAME OUT OF AA FINISH THE COFFEE!!!
I wanted coffee but hey it life-ish Christan left. Her life story was just drug issue not interesting but Jim all I know he a cop for 4 years.
Most interesting person is at the Jerry's ((Old people 60's))
I called him the guy with the cane. I mostly see him in groups with me but his life story to quite sad to know. I can't remember what he said but that cane is his father... his father died so all he have form him.
I feel like the samething was about to happen in Saturday no groups. I can't take it anymore... I want to leave already.
There was a group but mostly about father and memory. I didn't speak but hey... it sad to hear really... There this girl I drawn I believe her name is Emyle
Emyle sketch
She didn't want it so I kept it. Not like some of the others I sketch that kept them. Oh! yeah... Today is Christin birthday. She a nurse I think she is and she only 55 years old. She doesn't look like it too.
I feel like I been though hell the last few days. Everyday it so cold and this brown jacket is the only thing that kept me warm. I talk to her one-on-one at dinner.
Emyle story
Drunk and took alot of pill but chew them up and spit it out in fort of a cop. They took her to rehab and lost her kids as her husband put on a De... well you get the picture.
She mostly cries but thank god I don't have roommate if I do... They might read everything I have here... That wouldn't be too good too.
June 21
Today is my releases day so I heard and it true too. I remember why I did it and it was a nervous breakdown make sense as I was at work and I'm just scared mostly cause of the bills I need to pay. I got out as my roommate got me out. I don't have much to say beside everyone was saying goodbye. I'll miss Joe mostly even I was mind reading everyone and doing some Sherlock as I can tell what up with them. Mostly everyone is a no brainier... hey at least I'm out at home once again.
Mostly everyone I know both in real life and online is shock about my story-ish rehab. Nah, I don't think they care in anyway. Then again I could be wrong. I was mostly wrong but seeing few people and deal with my insanity was good. I feel I'm missing few people but I don't care... All I know I left a note in the bed for the guy with the cane. Something good but he gave me his number as we talked. He told me his name but I don't think it matters now.
All I know is what I know and mostly just deal with my own issue. Even that I do great doing it then again it was worth it...
~Ayame
P.S.
These are journal logs I was writing when I was in rehab. I mostly took notes on what happen...
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