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A MAN appears on the battlements. ARTHUR addresses him.

ARTHUR
Hello.

MAN
'Allo. Whoo is eet?

ARTHUR
I am King Arthur and these are the Knights of the Round
Table. Whose castle is this?

MAN
This is the castle of of my master, Guy de Loimbard.

ARTHUR
Please go and tell your master that we have been charged by God
with a sacred quest, and if he will give us food and shelter for this
night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.

MAN
Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. He's
already got one, you see?

ARTHUR
What?

GALAHAD
He says they've already got one!

They are stunned.

ARTHUR
Are you sure he's got one?

MAN
Oh yes. It's very nice
+
+ CUT TO BATTLEMENTS. THE TAUNTER (MAN) turns to some others.
+
+ MAN
+ I told him we already got one.
+
+ They all giggle.
+

ARTHUR
Well ... can we come up and have a look?

MAN
Of course not! You are English pigs.

ARTHUR
Well, what are you then?

MAN
I'm French. Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king.

GALAHAD
What are you doing in England?

MAN
Mind your own business.

ARTHUR
If you will not show us the Grail we shall storm your castle.

Murmurs of assent.

MAN
You don't frighten us, English pig-dog! Go and boil your bottoms,
son of a silly person. I blow my nose on you, so-called Arthur-king,
you and your silly English K...kaniggets.

He puts hands to his ears and blows a raspberry.

GALAHAD
What a strange person.

ARTHUR
Now look here, my good man!

MAN
I don't want to talk to you, no more, you empty-headed animal,
food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. You mother was a
hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

GALAHAD
Is there someone else up there we could talk to?

MAN
No. Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.

ARTHUR
Now this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonab...
+
+ MAN
+ Fetchez la vache!
+
+ GUARD
+ Quoi?
+
+ MAN
+ Fetchez la vache!
+
CUT BACK TO battlements. A cow is led out of a stall.

CUT BACK TO ARTHUR.

ARTHUR
Now that is my final offer. If you are not prepared to agree to
my demands I shall be forced to take ... Oh Christ!

A cow comes flying over the battlements, lowing aggressively. The cow
lands on GALAHAD'S PAGE, squashing him completely.

|
| ROBIN
| What a cruel thing to do.
|
| BEDEVERE
| (Choking back tears)
| It hadn't even been milked.
|
ARTHUR
Right! Knights! Forward!

ARTHUR leads a charge toward the castle. Various shots of them
battling on, despite being hit by a variety of farm animals.

ARTHUR
(as the MAN next to him is squashed by a sheep)
Knights! Run away!

Midst echoing shouts of "run away" the KNIGHTS retreat to cover with
the odd cow or goose hitting them still. The KNIGHTS crouch down under
cover.

LAUNCELOT
The sods! I'll tear them apart.

ARTHUR
(restraining LAUNCELOT from going out and having a go)
No!

BEDEVERE
I have a plan sir.

CUT BACK TO battlements of castle. FRENCH SENTRIES suspiciously
peering towards the English lines. Wind whistles.