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I was just laying here on my bed an thought about my mom and how im never going to get to see her again,touch her,hold her,hug her,tell her I love her,hear her voice, or tell her im sorry for not spending much time with her. And now I find myself crying, because I wish I would have done all those things more,and spent more time with her.. Now its too late. She's already gone, and I regret never spending time with her, and I regret those times that I probally said I hated her, and that time I went all physcho an her and my sister an stabbed a butterknife into the door an told them both I hate them.. That look on her face is burned into my mind.. I feel terrible.. An I can only imagine how my sister must feel about it.. I wonder if she even remembers it.. I hope she doesn't. I wish I didn't remember it.
I regret throwing fits because my mom wanted me to spend time with her instead of letting me go to my friends house. I regret not fixing her a sandwich when she asked for one cause I didn't feel like it when I knew good and well that she would have to risk her life to go fix herself a sandwich cause I wouldn't do it. She did that often after she eventualy gave up on getting me to do it. She would take her ventalator breathing tube out of her neck, causing her not to be able to breath for those 1 or 2 minutes it took her to fix herself a sandwich.
I regret not staying with her the day before she died when she asked me too, when im positive she knew she was going to die the next day, that it was her time to go. All she wanted was me to spend one last day with her, but I was so selfish I couldn't even do that, I had to throw a big fit an beg her to let me go back to my friends house, when I had been over there already for 2 weeks straight and came back that day just to ask if I could stay again. If I only knew.. I would have stayed. I would have hugged her,told her I love her more than anything in the world. I would have told her id miss her soo much. Id tell her everything and id say im sorry for not spending more with her an that im sorry for being a selfish, hard-headed little girl. I would have told her so many things, but now those things will only remain as words left unsaid.

The doctors told us she would die eventualy. But I had it in my head that, that day would never come and I moved on with my life and didn't think about it. Then it happened, I had no idea what to do, didn't know what was real anymore. I mean I was only 12, what was I supposed to do? What was I supposed to think? "Its my fault" that was what went through my head when I found out, and still today it sometimes does. Even though I know nothing I done could have caused her to die but I feel like if I would of showed her how much I care she would have fought to stay alive longer.. But I didn't. Didn't even attempt it. And that right there...is my biggest regret.

So learn from my mistake. Don't take your parents or your siblings or anyone else in your family for granted. Cause in the end your family is all you have left. Whether they be alive or dead, their there, an their listening.

Im sure a lot of the times you say "I hate my dad" or mom or sister or brother or whoever. But ask yourself this "do I really?".
All those times you wished they were dead, is that what you really wanted? Is it what you want now? I wish it upon my dad a lot but I don't realy think I mean it, I think I just strongly dislike him sometimes, and Im sure I probally wished that upon my mom a few times too,and im sure I didn't really mean it, I mean, I don't mean it now, I don't want her dead, but she is and that's life. People die, you cry and morn over them for a while then you move on. Isnt that how its supposed to be? Aren't you supposed to go on with your life and not waste it crying over someone who wouldn't want you to cry over them in the first place? Is it wrong? Or is it natural?
I guess the answer will come from your beliefs. If you believe its wrong then its wrong. If you believe its right then its right. But I believe its natural. Something you can't help but do. If someone you care about dies its instinct to cry over them and morn their death. Like hunger, its instinct to go get food when your hungry. its drilled into your brain, just like death. You know what it is, you don't like it, you don't want it to happen, but it does, and as I said before you cry, morn over the person for a bit, then you move on. That's life.