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stare well not really in the mood to do nothin , i mean basically one of my freinds isnt felling to well ...i really want to help her out but i got denied so unfortunatly my assistance was turned down....she told me that i told that to every one but....really ...i just dont i mean she is the first that actually has the same thing that i had, she has problems but just replaces them with a smile , i dont know if she belives me but i did do the same thing and because of that....because...because of that i am who i am today the enraged futile human being that i am im a goth ,but no one belives my true hatred for the society that shaped my inhuman personality none of my freinds have seen me amgry and hopefully they never do ,cuz danm i look pathetic, i am angry at what i cant stop societies polution and the uter-anialation of the entire goddanm morality in our world today cleavage every where women exposing them selves it makes me sick even watching television. the other reason that i dont want her to keep her feeling bottled up is because i fear that ....what if what happend to me happens to her ,i dont want that ....FOR ANYONE especialy her , heh goddanm ive been saying that i dont want a certain thing to happen and yet i havent even described what that thing is
let me explain hopefully if she reads this she will understand why she needs to let those emotions go or just solve the problems,
the reason that i kept my emotions in a ball and never told anyone was because i dont like people worrying about me not even my parents i feel like a total attention whore ,but that came with a price , after the use of my fake smile was done and i could truely express myself came to a roaring stop when i notice that
read closely BECAUSE I KEPT MY EMOTIONS INSIDE ME AND NEVER SOLVED OR LET THEM LOOSE WAS THE REASON THAT I HAVE TROUBLE FEELING EMOTIONS NOW, i find it hard to notice what the hell im feeling whether its fear, anguish, depression, and sometimes even love i always feel like a hollow soul and its all my doing fornot going to anyone , but then again i was wearing my fake smile , so no one really did care to help me (this is why i help other people especially those i care most for like my freinds)
the reason for my fake smile isnt really improtant but its a burned memory so i might aswell say it , when i was a kid starting first grade nothing was going good for me i hated school i hated life all together ,basically i would go to school and try to learn but the teachers back then werent the patient type so i would get told off by the teacher and be made a fool infront of the entire class then the students would tell me off in groups just cricleing me but i tried not to mind by just laughing with them and just puting the hurt away some where else, then my grades droped because of the people that kept messing around with me so i couldnt focus the, teacher made fun of me the students made fun of me, it got worse when my parents got a hold of the report card because then they started telling me that i was a good for nothing peice of crap that would never amount to anything but only reason to live would be to consume and take up space; my parents hurt me the most because wtf they were my parents so the cycle went on i went to school get told off by teacher and student go home get scolded and beat by parents then go to sleep do over FOR FIVE HELL BEARING YEARS I HAD NOTHING BUT THAT FAKE SMILE IT WAS MY ONLY FREIND NO ONE ELSE WAS MY FREIND AT SCHOOL by the time i went to middle school i decided i would become a poet and tuely express my feeling , so i decided to leave the fake smile in the past but by then it was to late what i had never noticed is that all that hurt sitting in the corner of my mind burned on to my self esteem and every other memory that was my memory of my elementary life being made fun of, nothing will ever fix that memory ( im not writing this memory i had in the past for pitty ,i said it once and ill say it again i hate being worried about it makes me feel like an attention whore and i dont like those kind of ppl)
as for my poetry my freinds say that its great but i fail to see the emotion and capture the true felling in my poems some times to me sometimes there just words that i came up with that might mean something to them i also fail to see the good thing in it i also dont like taking credit for things even things that are my doing like if i help a freind get better at any kindof skill like fighting or i dont know anything i wont take credit for anything cuz it also makes me feel like an attention whore
i made a poem about when i got rid of that half assed smile that was suppose to make me take my toubles away
i hope that my freind desides to go to someone about her problems i dont want to evn think that she might turn out lke me .... stare neutral i also
i made a poem about when i got rid of that half assed smile that was suppose to make me take my toubles away i always have it with me thats the only poems i think is good in my collection of persenoly made literature im always happy when some one reads it cuz mybe it will help them not do the thing that i did with my crappy smile....
good bye for now users
"edit"
well i thought to myslef what about other gaian users they dont know me so i might aswell post that poem i was talking abouti guess
here goes nothing...seriosly:
Deaths breath of life
Death means nothing to me since the day i died
the day i thru that mask away with that fake smile used and broken into peices
my true hatred shaped a being of darkness
and the sadness shaped the being in to a mere cloth
the knowledge shaped the cloth into a black cloak with red strips
its like the cloak was my own destined artifact
made from my hatred and sorrow hidden by me in the bowls of my soul
i have only one thing to thank for this newly found state of mind
its name is society
I thank you society for killing me in a morbidly long and painful death willl so much suffiuring all the way to the last strand of my sanity
so know this the person standing before you is not the original jorge
he is the rebirth and the cause of society
he is the avenger of all morality
 4bidden757 · Tue Mar 21, 2006 @ 02:01am · 1 Comments |
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