Yup. My birthday is in 2 days, and I'll be turning the BIG 18.
How long have I waited for this? Ten years? (I remember counting on my fingers).
Best of all, it's Friday (gotta git down on friday~) and this weekend is prom weekend.
My first and last high school dance.
Right after midnight it's after prom at Dave n Busters till 3am, then it's off to wherever the night (morning) takes me! Devon's house for After after prom, Ashley Mann's place maybe for breakfast? Who knows.
I just hope I can treasure every moment.
Nothing and NO ONE will get in my way of cherishing my last few hours as a child.
I know that I'll only "legally" be considered an adult at the age of 18, and that I won't suddenly all feel grown up and have to move on with my life... but... I don't know.
I really can't describe in words how I'm feeling because of course the momster has been draining my energy all day, not to mention the past few weeks/months/years.
I know nothing interesting would happen at home should I not go to prom... so even if I'm anti-social or whatever the whole night, at least I can be sure that it was the better option when it came to how I spend my last carefree moments of my childhood.
CAREFREE... oh gosh... now I'm responsible for my actions and I'll have to get a job and learn to drive and pay bills and rent and college and crrrraaapp... I'm not ready for life. I'm like Holden Caulfield, standing on the edge of that cliff between childhood and adulthood, being forced to jump off through no volition of my own.
You gotta do what you gotta do, (is what just lazily popped into my head).
There's so much to do this weekend, and when I say that, instead of being exasperated, I'm neutral-faced. I REALIZE I have a lot on my plate of things to accomplish this weekend, but I can't actually VISUALIZE them all being completed, what with my procrastination being so damn life controlling and all. I desperately pray and wish (I figure double the possibility of a reply if I do both) that I will overcome my procrastination and regain control of my life and where I'm headed this weekend, although it seems like the most unlikely of times though. But turning 18 is big. I can't keep inching my way out of tough situations like I do with school and homework. I need to take action, and be able to complete a ******** assignment at home and on time at least once for Pete's sake!
I'm going to start trying to be more "grown-up". More independent. And more girly... *ahem* "womanly". I like Zooey Deschanel's style, for example, and I look up to her when it comes to being a bamf adult. smile (I'm gonna wear my dress that look's like something she would wear to school monday, and screw it if I'm the only senior there on "senior-skip day". Pfft, what do I care? I've already missed a total of what, 30 days this year?)
Anyways, just to remind you of what's been going on and why you've been so stressed. It's mom. ... It's always mom. What else could it ever possibly be? My faults all arise from her mistakes. I wanted to write down, or even as a mental note, that "I hated my mom for what she did to me. She inflicted years upon years of emotional and psychological and verbal abuse upon me, which seemed to progressively get worse the older I got. Well now I'm going to be 18 in about 2 days... so what then? Will I turn away and never look back? Will I keep dealing with her, while knowing I have the freedom to escape anytime I want? Will she ever LISTEN, and apologize after realizing her mistakes? Can we ever be "mother and daughter" or is that unrealistic due to the circumstances? Can we ever be friends? By the way, stress got the best of you yesterday, you missed school, you wasted yet another day procrastinating, and took a half-day the next (which was today) and now you're typing this. I have to remind you of the stress/anxiety hotline you called last night and the nice lady who picked up. I didn't realize it was a suicide hotline and felt bad if I was holding up the line, but the lady's voice was so soft, so caring. She helped with the little advice she gave when my mother could only yell.
I don't like thinking about what I can never achieve because it makes me feel defeated and sad. Let's just chalk it up to "maybe, maybe not" to having a real relationship with family members and leave it at that, shall we?
Moving on, uh... well there's not much else to say. I didn't know what I was going to type in this letter at first, I just sorta started typing and it all flowed out. I'm going to send this as a futureme letter as well, because, I feel like it's one of those letters that just needs to be reread by your future self, don't you? Hoorf horrf horrrfff! (animal crossing reference) What age do you want to be when you receive this though?
So yeah, have a great prom and after prom and and 18th BIRTHDAY and so on.
I hope you will have gained self-discipline and respect for yourself, and I hope you are still generous and kind to others. (Don't let you mother or anyone else influence the great person you want to become).
Lots Of Love, from a tired old soul, Luana McTiernan. Faye Denette. Dead Panda. Whatever you wanna call your self, good luck in the future, and remember the past.
I'm going to try extra hard to make great memories of these remaining days of senior year, I promise!
Friday, April 15, 2011- 6:30pm
How long have I waited for this? Ten years? (I remember counting on my fingers).
Best of all, it's Friday (gotta git down on friday~) and this weekend is prom weekend.
My first and last high school dance.
Right after midnight it's after prom at Dave n Busters till 3am, then it's off to wherever the night (morning) takes me! Devon's house for After after prom, Ashley Mann's place maybe for breakfast? Who knows.
I just hope I can treasure every moment.
Nothing and NO ONE will get in my way of cherishing my last few hours as a child.
I know that I'll only "legally" be considered an adult at the age of 18, and that I won't suddenly all feel grown up and have to move on with my life... but... I don't know.
I really can't describe in words how I'm feeling because of course the momster has been draining my energy all day, not to mention the past few weeks/months/years.
I know nothing interesting would happen at home should I not go to prom... so even if I'm anti-social or whatever the whole night, at least I can be sure that it was the better option when it came to how I spend my last carefree moments of my childhood.
CAREFREE... oh gosh... now I'm responsible for my actions and I'll have to get a job and learn to drive and pay bills and rent and college and crrrraaapp... I'm not ready for life. I'm like Holden Caulfield, standing on the edge of that cliff between childhood and adulthood, being forced to jump off through no volition of my own.
You gotta do what you gotta do, (is what just lazily popped into my head).
There's so much to do this weekend, and when I say that, instead of being exasperated, I'm neutral-faced. I REALIZE I have a lot on my plate of things to accomplish this weekend, but I can't actually VISUALIZE them all being completed, what with my procrastination being so damn life controlling and all. I desperately pray and wish (I figure double the possibility of a reply if I do both) that I will overcome my procrastination and regain control of my life and where I'm headed this weekend, although it seems like the most unlikely of times though. But turning 18 is big. I can't keep inching my way out of tough situations like I do with school and homework. I need to take action, and be able to complete a ******** assignment at home and on time at least once for Pete's sake!
I'm going to start trying to be more "grown-up". More independent. And more girly... *ahem* "womanly". I like Zooey Deschanel's style, for example, and I look up to her when it comes to being a bamf adult. smile (I'm gonna wear my dress that look's like something she would wear to school monday, and screw it if I'm the only senior there on "senior-skip day". Pfft, what do I care? I've already missed a total of what, 30 days this year?)
Anyways, just to remind you of what's been going on and why you've been so stressed. It's mom. ... It's always mom. What else could it ever possibly be? My faults all arise from her mistakes. I wanted to write down, or even as a mental note, that "I hated my mom for what she did to me. She inflicted years upon years of emotional and psychological and verbal abuse upon me, which seemed to progressively get worse the older I got. Well now I'm going to be 18 in about 2 days... so what then? Will I turn away and never look back? Will I keep dealing with her, while knowing I have the freedom to escape anytime I want? Will she ever LISTEN, and apologize after realizing her mistakes? Can we ever be "mother and daughter" or is that unrealistic due to the circumstances? Can we ever be friends? By the way, stress got the best of you yesterday, you missed school, you wasted yet another day procrastinating, and took a half-day the next (which was today) and now you're typing this. I have to remind you of the stress/anxiety hotline you called last night and the nice lady who picked up. I didn't realize it was a suicide hotline and felt bad if I was holding up the line, but the lady's voice was so soft, so caring. She helped with the little advice she gave when my mother could only yell.
I don't like thinking about what I can never achieve because it makes me feel defeated and sad. Let's just chalk it up to "maybe, maybe not" to having a real relationship with family members and leave it at that, shall we?
Moving on, uh... well there's not much else to say. I didn't know what I was going to type in this letter at first, I just sorta started typing and it all flowed out. I'm going to send this as a futureme letter as well, because, I feel like it's one of those letters that just needs to be reread by your future self, don't you? Hoorf horrf horrrfff! (animal crossing reference) What age do you want to be when you receive this though?
So yeah, have a great prom and after prom and and 18th BIRTHDAY and so on.
I hope you will have gained self-discipline and respect for yourself, and I hope you are still generous and kind to others. (Don't let you mother or anyone else influence the great person you want to become).
Lots Of Love, from a tired old soul, Luana McTiernan. Faye Denette. Dead Panda. Whatever you wanna call your self, good luck in the future, and remember the past.
I'm going to try extra hard to make great memories of these remaining days of senior year, I promise!
Friday, April 15, 2011- 6:30pm
