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"Nothing's changed with him, so, everything's changing for me..."

Well, my idiot love-guy of sorts is still being an idiot so, I no longer care for him or his antics. A whole week of us not talking has felt like an eternity, yes but, I refuse to cry or pout or fight with him about it. It is, what it is at this point. Yes, I know that I'm being just as stubborn as he is. Yes, this all is rather childish, but at the same time, if I don't do this then I will just continue on in a relationship that is not healthy for me. All it takes is a, "hello," "hey, whatchya up to?" to get us back on the right page and get us back to the "aaaww i love you!" and "i hope we get married someday" and blah blah blah empty promises this, blah blah blah broken commitments and shattered plans and hopes, that...

For the longest while I refused to admit that our relationship with each other was rather unhealthy (mentally, emotionally, and even physically since it effected my mental and emotional psyche), mainly because I figured that, all relationships have their good and their bad but, this, this is bad...Our entire time of being together was nothing but a mind game that always left me feeling so awful. And worst of all, I always blamed it on myself or felt like it was all my fault. LIES. He too is blame, more so than I am. And I'm glad I realized this. I'm glad I wised up, even if it was a bit too late and after he sunk his talons deep into me. Still, as long as I know this and am not naive to what is truly going on, then I can sleep well at night not blaming myself or hating myself when I didn't do anything wrong.

I mean, what kind of guy breaks up with a girl because of a bad joke she told? Granted, it was a misunderstood one, but, really, 3 months of not talking because I said, "Oh, don't be like Ike Turner because when you die, no one will care that you did," IT WAS A FLIPPIN' JOKE! And what pisses me off, is that he says worse. They're practically attacks at my individual being and, well, just not right, is all.

What kind of guy starts a fight with you around the holidays? More so, before they start? The kind that isn't interested in spending them with you, is the kind. Oh, but get this, after the holidays are over, guess who is all jolly and nice and sweet as can be...The same b***h a** ******** that ruined your holiday break with his psycho bullshit before it even started.

What kind of guy gets mad at you for sleeping with someone while you two weren't even together? Wait, what kind of guy gets mad at you when for sleeping with someone while you too AREN'T and have NEVER BEEN officially together, as an item, whereas it's acknowledged that you two are a couple? Basically, you're just mad because your "sweet, little, virgin-like princess of sorts" got lonely and you aren't anywhere near to remedy that. You're just mad because I'm not sitting here crying over you and blowing up your ego like you obviously want me to. You're just mad because, well, you're just f'ing mad. So, to vent or get all that out, you chose to punish me anyway you can. ******** dickasshole bastardous pig...

WHAT KIND OF GUY STOPS TALKING TO YOU JUST BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN TIRED LATELY AND HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH A MASSIVE SHITLOAD OF SCHOOL WORK THAT HE KNOWS IS IMPORTANT TO YOU?! The kind that is jealous and insecure (refuses to admit that as well). He thinks you're doing stuff but refuses to express this to you. Really? Like, ******** really?! I'M NOT DOING s**t BUT SLEEPING! Had you ******** asked, and not been a d**k to me, you'd ******** know!

WHAT KIND OF GUY IS INCONSIDERATE OF THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE CLASSES AT 8AM, WHAT KIND OF GUY CALLS YOU AT 3AM AND KEEPS YOU UP PASSED 5 BUT FALLS ASLEEP ON YOU AROUND 6 AND HAS AN ATTITUDE BECAUSE YOU HUNG UP BECAUSE HE WASN'T SAYING s**t???! 8 AM CLASS! YOU KNOW THAT! YET, IT'S PRACTICALLY MANDATORY THAT I TALK TO YOUR ******** a** ABOUT ******** NOTHING???!!!! AND TO TOP IT OFF, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR ******** LIFE! YOU'RE NOT IN SCHOOL, YOU HAD NO JOB AT THE TIME, YET, KEEPING ME UP ALL NIGHT DESPITE THE FACT THAT I HAVE s**t TO DO WITH MY LIFE, SEEMED LIKE THE RIGHT THING TO DO!? ******** KILL YOURSELF. Oh, but of course, now that YOU have a job, you don't talk to me? You're busy all the time? You hang out with "homeboys" at all hours of the night and day? Yeah, ok. Whatever...

I feel like he is very unhinged. Worst of all, he refuses to admit it. Severe God-Comlex going on there with that one...He's the ******** unhealthy one...in all honesty. I've come to believe that he is rather controlling, possessive and unstable. All the red flags point to that. Yet, I'm still here. I'm still that person he can go to, come to, say whatever to, why? Because i care for him. Because I'm young and in love. Because I'm ******** stupid! The sad, sad part about it all is that I love him. Loved, him. And now, God I wish i didn't know him. Just so I wouldn't know this pain and this, ridiculousness that we dare call "a relationship". I'm just so sick and tired of going through the motions with him and getting hurt each time he decides to ******** things up. I'm so done with him, it's crazy! And I know I've said that before, plenty of times and I've allowed him to come back and so on and so fourth but now, it's different, because I feel different.

I feel like, how dare he promise to marry me, then break things off when he feels like "distance relationships are too hard"? How dare he tell me he loves me, yet his relationship status says single? How dare he get mad at me because of a few mistakes I've made when his list goes on from here to the end of eternity? How dare he hurt me, when I've done nothing but love and care for him, despite the fact that I knew how much of an "ain't-s**t-guy" he was, before, I even fell in love with him? How dare he treat me how he does, when I treat him with respect and am loyal to him? How ******** dare he have bitches all over his facebook page and constantly be texting these hoes when he's around me, and supposed to be spending time with me since we don't see each other often?! HOW ******** DARE HE MAKE ME SO UPSET!? HOW DARE HE ******** WITH ME!? How ******** dare that loser, piece of s**t, waste of an existence, son of a b***h, b*****d a** p***k, continue living, knowing that the one girl in this world who truly loved him for he is, was, and will be, is sitting here hurting and pissed, all because of him and his ridiculous, petty, bullshittery?!

How ******** dare he...

Despite the fact that this is all a pattern, we are on and off, good and bad, right and wrong, all the time, I realize that, each time, I become stronger from it. I change and I become a better person, slowly but surely realizing that he is a total waste of time. But of course, I can't fully be mad at him, not when the fault is also my own. Still, I no longer want to waste my time with him, not when so many potential suitors keep coming my way. Not when I'm so young and have not a care in the world. Not when I have a life to live and cherish. So, he keep on acting how he acts. It won't affect me none. He can go on being the same, while I just continue to change and grow into a better more beautiful person. No longer will I let him hinder me, and I guess I should consider our silent time as The End of whatever we were. Well, thank God and good riddance to that loser douchebag...

"Nothing's changed with him, so, everything's changing for me..."