It's too long and upsetting a story to tell, but I ended up in my closet today with the door closed and the lights off and crying my eyes out. Today was the first time in a long time that I contemplated suicide. I might seem like a stable downright and overall up in your business kind of person, but even the hardest animal has a soft core inside. I'm shy and I don't talk much in many classes at school because being smart is uncool. It shouldn't affect me and I usually don't care about this cool uncool buisiness but I'm scared of some of the kids at my school. We have people who openly admit to being gang members and I don't want to cause any trouble.
I'd like to take this time to say that I am adopted and I wish I wasn't. I didn't ask to be born, I didn't ask to be adopted. I didn't ask to be given a totally stupid name that doesn't even fit my real persona. I mean, come on. Rachel means sheep. I'm not as gentle as a sheep. And I didnt ask to be adopted by a couple that never should have ever gotten their hands on a child. I don't even believe in adoption. And don't get me wrong but. If you can't afford the child, don't have it in the first place. There is a reason abortion exists. If I had known as much then that I do now, I would have volunteered to be aborted.
Just sitting here in this darkness, I just wanna lay back and make a nest out of a pile of clothes and sleep like a bear. I'm probably a huge mess.
I'm just venting. But how I think is rapidly changing and I don't think it will ever be the same again.
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If you don't like it, don't comment on it. I might vent or rant. I'm not immune to certain stresses, and this doesn't really help. You CAN NOT and WILL NOT hold me responsible if you're a subject of this journal. Cmon, it's not like anyone will know.
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