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12/14/12
Friday!!!

Welcome back to another BrightEyes blog! I know there are several this morning, but what can you expect from something new? Right?

Well, for today's topic, it's my testimony. My past and struggles that lead me to where I am now. This, is so you can better understand me as a whole. God has lead me to great people and a great guild and finding others is a great feeling. And, from recent enlightenment and getting back on God's path for me, I've gained the courage to share my story

God Bless!


My testimony is going to be a pretty long one. If anyone is uncomfortable with mix of religions, the unexplained/paranormal (demons), censored but still sexual abuse, you may want to skip this one too. I’m slightly uncomfortable, but I think it’s time I came out with my testimony. How someone could live in doubt, yet have passion in faith. Swaying like the pendulum of a clock. Also to add, my family and I never have been to church. I wasn’t raised like people in church were, it was freedom of religion. My parents raised me as a good christian though over time and after my first experiences and even said if I wanted to know anything, I could ask them or read mom’s old Bibles. I haven’t told anyone the extent of my testimony except my fiance. Some of the content if I told my parents they would call me crazy or laugh at me considering the lack of church background but not lack of faith in God. I hope that separating this into sections helps explain this easier. Also, I hope there is hope for me.


My Awakening

I can recall back to when I was 4 years old. Back then, and sooner, I could never remember things. I felt like I was going in and out of life. I was still developing memory. I couldn’t understand. One minute I’d be in one place, the next I would be somewhere completely different on a different day. Go figure. The day I finally developed my memory and my earliest was my first communication with God. Or so I believe.

I walked in from outside of our old house and went into my room. I was very dizzy, had bad chest pain, and felt like I was going to die. Litterally, that I was fading from existence. I crouched down in a prayer position on the floor in extreme pain, suffocating, crying, and praying for help dearly. I prayed for God to help me, that I was afraid of dying and I wasn’t ready, that I wanted to live with all my might. I prayed for him to rid me of my pain. As I prayed, I began to slip from consciousness until finally, I experienced what others believed as an “out of body experience”, yet, I felt like I had truly died.

I saw myself rising from my body and up through the ceiling and above the house, and up into the sky. The higher I got the smaller my family got and the warmer I felt. Also, everything became brighter. I was scared when I heard a voice tell me not to be afraid. I removed my arms from covering my face and opened my eyes, and I saw in front of me what looked to be Jesus. He came up to me with a hand held out. I remember He said, “You have a choice. You can come with me and I can take away all of your pain and you can live a happy life here, or you can go back to Earth and suffer until you are 18 years old.” I stood there for a few moments and smiled. I said, “I choose to go back to Earth. I want to live and to learn new things. I know I’m not ready yet.” He understood and smiled. I even hugged him. And at that moment afterwards suddenly, I felt my body change. I felt this overwhelming power run through me, as if my spirit had been completely renewed, or better (which I will explain) During this experience everything grew extremely bright, I didn’t know what happened, but when it was over I saw my guardian angel. A beautiful girl with long curly red hair and a beautiful face and gown and wings. I took her hand and we began our decent back down to Earth. As we descended I asked her a question that came out of nowhere. “Will I ever find true love? How will I know?”. She said, “You will know when you meet him. He’ll give you back your ability to sing. When you’re 18 you’ll know who he is for sure.” When we got back down to my room I thanked her and entered my body.

When I woke up, I felt completely renewed, actually, I couldn’t remember anything but what just happened with God. I felt this young renewed feeling, like my spirit was healed, even more, I felt like the me before the experience was the soul who died and I, now, was given a chance to live in place. That’s how it was for me. I didn’t know where I was or anything. Immediately, I stood up and looked around, and then I heard people in the house. The people who I call parents and my sister appeared. I screamed when I saw them, then asked who were they. They laughed at me and said that we knew. Then I asked my sister the same thing and she told me and I asked, “what year is this” and she told me 1996. I don’t know back then why I even asked that. But, from that moment on I had my memory. I had to relearn everything from how to eat, to more. It was really a strange experience, but I knew who God was and felt strangely close to him. I felt like I had been reborn completely.



The Shameful Dealbreaker

This happened in our old house. Our old house was haunted by dark forces. Our whole family would experience strange things. From hearing our voices being called, to hearing things moving in the night, tv turning on for no reason, and then there was my experiences……..one, which changed me……..One night I had woke up to hearing these voices laughing at me and wouldn’t stop pulling me down to the bottom of the bed. The next night I prayed to God for help. Then………that night in the middle of the night I woke up to hearing a dark voice tell me uncomfortable things. I screamed and screamed but no one heard me. I ran to my door but it wouldn’t open. And then, I felt a strong force pull me to the ground and I couldn’t move. I prayed for God to help me once more. But, I couldn’t feel Him in the room or hear Him. I cried and the voice said he would go away if I made a deal with him…….I prayed even more and he said God couldn’t help me, that he’d deal with me and make me suffer until I couldn’t stand it anymore, or I could make the deal with him. As a 5 year old at this time……..I made a deal with dark being…….this is also where I learned the name of Satan from it. My deal was the worst mistake of my life, that to this day still effects me and has effected my life. One that I am not proud of at all. I am clearly ashamed. I made the deal to be his…….just so I could get rid of him. It was the most shameful thing I’ve ever truly done. I was very naïve and scared, lousy excuses, but coming from someone who could clearly trust almost anyone and having the child innocence then, I didn’t know any better. Well, after, he laughed and disappeared. I felt so bad. And afterwards, I felt God was extremely disappointed in me. I could feel this ache. As soon as that dark being left, I could move again, but the rest of the night…….I cried and cried and begged for forgiveness from God. The following night began my 8 years of suffering…….I had reoccurring dreams 99% of the time…….about the deal I had made with the dark being. Also, the dark being opened my God given abilities for me and made them easier for me as part of the deal. As a kid, and in fear, I made the mistake of trying to get him away as fast as possible. And, I began to be able to do things I couldn’t explain. And the dreams……..things a child to a teenager shouldn’t know of or deal with that still haunt me to this day. These dreams were realistic……basically, I was a prisoner in this dark kingdom on fire, skeleton bones, the feel and smell of death everywhere, and I was tormented in these dreams violently……from sexual abuse which I’d never seen or experienced at all in my life at that early age, to being tortured with weapons, and more. Every single time, I would fight back against the dark being with all my might with a sword of light and a bright aura shield to protect me from the evil, but something was missing and I wasn’t strong. For 8 years, I tried and tried, but I would fall and be defeated each time. Strategy after strategy in these lucid dreams I couldn’t control. (I shall continue this shortly).

When I was 10, 5 years later, my parents moved from the old house to the one I’m currently in. While we were moving I felt the dark being was angry, and I was scared of him but glad to move away. When we finally left that house I felt the tension but on my mind I felt the, “You can’t escape” from the house as I took my last look at it.


Earliest Educational Influence

Before I continue, between the ages of 5 and 10 during school it was rough for me. During this time I met a girl named Meagan and she was as she called herself a “devil worshipper”. I befriended and unfriended her every so often. No, I didn’t follow her for her religion. At times we were close as friends, but there was a point before I changed schools she went to the extreme and it ended up in the newspaper, that she brought a gun to school (this was 4th grade when it happened) and she left it in the parking lot. That whole day we were on lockdown. But, the first year I knew her, in first grade, she did get me to steal from other kids from her and do other things I wasn’t proud of. And then I’d unfriend her. Then, in time I would befriend her again. The next 3 years I grew more tactful with her friendship until finally I moved and when I did, a friend of mine told me when she found out that she said, “Good riddance” in response. After that, school wasn’t so hard. I was constantly bullied and hurt by people in really bad ways, even fake asked out, but as far as bad influential people, for now I was done with them.



Continuing The Shameful Dealbreaker

When we were in my current house, after we moved, when I was 10, I thought I had escaped from all of it. But no, I hadn’t. I still had those dreams. They still disturbed me with greater intensity. Finally, when I was 13, in 7th grade, my humanities teacher read us a story about a mechanical nightengale, and at the end of the story the emperor locked himself away in a gold cage for the rest of his life. This, was the turning point. It took me a couple nights to do, but I faced the dark being in my reoccurring dreams and trapped him in the gold cage, saying he couldn’t control me anymore, that I wasn’t afraid anymore, and that God was on my side. In the dream I prayed for God for strength, and I sealed the being in the cage. After, I was weak (even when I woke up), but saw the bright light and felt a warmth again, but the dark being warned me this wasn’t over, that this was the beginning. That I may have prevented him from harming him in my dreams, but not in real life. And, in my dreams from time to time, I’d find the cage and him appear, him staring at me intently. But, my reoccurring dreams of 8 years had gone. So for a few months, I was fine from that. Then, something terrible happened…….

Like I have mentioned those God given gifts from before (despite the fact the dark being unlocked them), one of my abilities was getting these visions of dates in my head. Date, time, year, month, day. And, when I was 8 years old, I was playing with my cousins at my grandparents house. We were playing tag/hide and seek in the house, when suddenly I was hit with a vision (this is where the terrible thing is about to happen). The moment I was behind my grandmother, the following came into my head, “When you’re 13, November 28th at 12:15”. I stopped. It was all to vivid. But, I ignored it. Little did I know what was going to happen when I was 13. Which brings me back to the story.


The Beginning of My Doubts

When I was 13 after the reoccurring dreams happened, my grandmother passed away. She died of colon cancer, but the string of events leading to it, and the fact it’s the first death I’ve ever experienced with family members, it traumatized me. Long story short, on November 28th at 12:15 without knowing my eyes looked at the clock. It happened. It’s happened with a couple other people too and different events. The next 5 years, I was traumatized by her death to the extreme, suffering depression and more. I was losing faith, but I wasn’t realizing it until it was too late.


Words From The Guardian Angel; What Began My Healing

My life began to pick up with extracurricular activities once I hit high school. I even had a couple boyfriends, but when I was with them, it didn’t seem right. It wasn’t what I expected. Until, one day, a good friend of mine introduced me to him. There’s a short side story, so bare with me. This is where the beginning comes back into place. Remember what my guardian angel told me? When I was 18 I would know? And that he’d bring back my ability to sing? Here’s where it came into play. When I was 5, my mom pressured me into singing to the point she scared me to never want to sing again in front of people. I was livid about it. Same happened with my sister. Anyways, when I was in 4th grade, I saw this boy, and the moment I did I prayed to God a wish I thought silly, but prayed sincerely for that guy to be my true love. Shortly after I thought I’d never see him again because he moved. In middle school, I saw him while I was in gym class, again, the same boy from 4th grade, while I was in 7th grade, it was him. I once again prayed I’d be able to see him again. The rest of the year I couldn’t find him. It was in high school, 10th grade when I’d been depressed for months after I broke up with my long distance 2nd boyfriend, that my friend introduced me to him. The same guy I prayed I’d be with and at that moment I felt like it was meant to be. We became friends and 2 weeks later at a dance I invited him to, we made it official. At the time I was 15 and a half when we got together (he’s 2.5 years older than me). The first year was great, 2nd year was hard, by the third year things had picked up again. I’d just turned 18 and during that fall we went to karaoke. I was scared of ever singing in front of him, until one day at karaoke I got the courage to. After that Christmas, in January, he got me a promise ring. That was when I knew he was my true love.

More about him, he’s been baptized, was raised as a Christian, very helpful, but he’s not religious. He used to deal with the paranormal, even exorcised a couple negative spirits from people he grew up with. When he was younger he’d actually study up on spiritual matters and such and even pressure points and such and meditated and more. He was really into it up until after he helped get rid of a couple for me. (I will explain later), but after that, he became non-religious just living life to the fullest and gave up his gifts saying he doesn’t want to live by rules and be pressured by them to lead him into temptations. He wants to live each day to the fullest, therefore he does. He’s a very simple person. As you can tell, I’m more complex. Short terms, we are total opposites, but we attract. The type that make things work.


Events That Led To More Doubts And More Healing

During our years together I’d been sexually assaulted by 3 different guys. Each one wasn’t my fault. I won’t get into them, but each one I immediately told my fiance what happened because I’m loyal and honest with him. Also, one was a stranger and the other 2 were guy friends of ours we’d been friends with for years that turned on us. One of them we are friends with again because it was the most minor of the 3 assaults and the guy was like a brother to me. The first one that was the most traumatizing for me effects my religion and caused me to lose a great friend who was a devout Christian.

So, back to things paranormal. In 7th grade I made a statue for a project for my humanities teacher of Anubis. Since then, I had a bad feeling around it, for it would shock me. It was made of clay, dried completely, but whenever I was around it, it just gave me this heavy dark feeling in the room during the 5 years of depression. A couple years ago, my now fiance, found out the statue was actually possessed. I broke the statue and poured water over it to purify it, then took it away. The air felt lighter and he found out that a passerby spirit that died that day I had my project done was attracted to it. I was safe, but still not right.

Over the years since that deal, I’d been having these terrible chest pains and it got up to a point it was so bad in the center of my chest, I’d been having very violent nightmares and just felt darker, that I asked my fiance to check me for possession myself. Well, in fact, I had been…..from that deal. (will explain more later about that). But, this was the last time he used his abilities to get the spirit out of me. After that, I had no more paranormal or bad things happen with me. My gifts were suppressed once more that the dark being had unlocked. The chest pain ceased, the nightmares ceased, and more. I was normal for once. Yet, I felt empty and lonely. Like something was missing. Something was wrong.

I had a friend named Britany who I’d known since 7th grade, and at first she believed in God and then told me once she got to college that she was converting to jewish, and then……..she converted to being a witch. She got into Wicca/witchcraft/paranormal/paganism. She’d tell me more and more. As I saw her change, I wouldn’t tell her the truth to her face. At times I did tell her I was concerned, but happy for her. Then the more and more she changed, the less and less she became the friend I met until finally one day she ended out friendship without me knowing. Witnessing that, it taught me I didn’t want to be like her at the time.


Faith And How I Advanced The Stages Of Losing Faith

A year ago, my fiance and I got engaged and I moved in with him. I began to buy more and more Christian things and had a little table with bible verse mirrors and such on it and a bible. I slept with 2 pocket bibles underneath my pillow (which actually when I started to do that I had more peaceful sleeps). And, then recently earlier on in the year is when my friend Britany got to the point she did and ended the friendship without a word. So, at that point is when another girl I knew, the ex devout Christian friend (I can’t use her name for her purposes even though she’s not on here, I’m still leary). Originally she wanted to help me get over the assault in the past, did everything she could to help me and at first I was thankful. Then, I got a self-help book to get me back on track and I would pray to God and I started writing burn letters so I could forgive those who hurt me in the past. I told her it was helping me and I was fine. She persisted and got really into my business, even got into the lives of the past assaulter that traumatized me, turned her back on me by going against what she said she wouldn’t and admitted it, and took their side. So, I came to Gaia for assistance and her behavior became predatorial as some would say and she confronted me twice on the matter, first time I let her go and told her not to follow me on here considering she didn’t have a gaia, second time the next day it went way to far and I just ended the friendship. I hadn’t said anything bad about her at all on Gaia, but for the past month or two she had been using every word I said in the litteral terms, against me. So I litterally began to lose trust and faith in her. She helped me get more in touch with God, but at the same time, she steered me from Him in my opinion by me not being able to trust people and briefly I questioned God which was insanely wrong of me to do. Being physically ill from the stress and the situations, I became emotionally and spiritually beat down and I got worse. I read up that some gemstones can actually help with their healing abilities to ease the pain. So, I began to get into spiritual rituals to cleanse stones, pray to it (under God of course), but still, I was feeling the healing energy, but something didn’t feel right. Under the stress I’ve endured for months on end, I just didn’t know anymore.



A New Light Arising; A New Renewal On The Horizon;

While I was and have been sick, I prayed and prayed to God that if I got better I would change my ways completely, do a complete 180 to get my life back on the straight and narrow. Yet, I didn’t know what path God wanted me to pursue. This is where in the past couple months I’ve been swaying between faiths because at times, it felt right to incorporate both, at other times, it felt wrong to choose one. But, nonstop I’ve been praying. I say the salvation prayer and the bedtime prayer every night before bed now. I’ve been over the past month since I noticed I’ve started healing more physically and have became less stressed. But at the same time I’d get signs at times that would draw me to things of other religions and then back to being a Christian. I didn’t know what God was trying to tell me. And recently, I’ve felt like he hadn’t heard me at times. So, a week ago I had a strong feeling that I had 2 weeks to find out what I belong to, to be on the right path. It was a strong intuition out of nowhere too. So, I asked a guy friend I met on Gaia 4 years ago who I talk to regularly via text and face book, and he said I should incorporate both. At first I was like, “HOW!?” I didn’t think it was possible. It is possible, but not direct. But if I got a sign to go on that path, I would do it. As experimental though if anything. But, only if I got a sign to. Even so, every night for the past couple weeks I’ve been praying for signs of which path I should go down. And then, I made a thread in the religions forum to get advice, experience, and viewpoints I could take with a grain of salt to see what would maybe strike me. Well, each opinion was different, nice, and wonderful. I respected them all. Yet……the night before I made the thread, I had asked my fiance as to what type of person he saw me as and he told me why and how he couldn’t help me or give me an answer. I just wanted to know what he saw me as, but he couldn’t do that either, but I let his go. But…..with the thread, someone on there, which I respected their viewpoint was saying how there is no reason for God and how he didn’t exist. And then after he gave me a link as to a guy who thought he died or went into a coma and saw heaven, why the people say nothing is after and all that’s there is brain chemicals and how the brain reacts to things. And that, broke me down completely. I got to the point where I tried contacting my guy friend via text and also my fiance. They both told me they couldn’t help me. They wanted to, but they didn’t know what to do. Even my fiance didn’t know how to cheer me up and I was at the point of almost keying myself. I’ve only ever done that when I’m truly at a loss and not thinking. At that point I cried and cried in fetal position. My mind shut down and I couldn’t think at all, no thought was on my mind for once (which that has rarely ever happened to me to have a quiet mind). But, I lost every ounce of faith for a short time, but at that short time it felt like forever. I felt like I had no direction whatsoever. I questioned and questioned myself and tried to find ways to question both the possibilities of why God was real and if the other guy was right saying there wasn’t one. Ultimately, to me it was a sign. They litterally couldn’t help me. Even if there was a way, they weren’t supposed to help me. It was me who had to get myself out of that state to at least believe that God was real and have faith.

Even so, I have faith, but my faith isn’t as strong. I feel like the bond has been severed because I’ve been misguided by so many different ideas overall throughout the years. From the ex-friends, to the few churches I went to over the years briefly and the pastors I’ve talked to briefly, they all have seemed fake and each idea is different but they are all the same, baptists. Just, I’ve listened to so much, been influenced by all the wrong reasons. And now, even with that deal I made as a child, I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know if it’s still there. I want to be baptized and saved, I want to find a church that speaks the word of God true, not pawn it off to get money out of people (which is what the churches I’ve been to have done the whole time, not just part of the tithes, but when I’ve talked to the pastors, their ideas have steered me away from God by misleading word and they talk about money, not as an offering, but……yea). With all the confusion and not knowing what to believe, I don’t know how to truly restore my faith now. I believe in God and still pray daily and nightly, but I don’t know what to do. You know how people claim to be “touched by God”? The feeling they get when they are baptized or truly have found their faith or something happens to make them believe and know God is there and real? I want that feeling again. To me, I was touched by God as a child. That’s what restored my faith, but even so, I don’t feel like a child of God yet. To me, I’ve decided I’m going to dedicate my life to doing what I can to restore my faith as a Christian to be a true child of God again to erase that deal or omit it, find a way to make things right again. I want to be able to go to church to listen to the word of God being spoken true and feel comfortable sitting in a church for once. To learn all I can from God’s teachings and once I am right again, the way I should be to get that inner peace, to be “touched by God” in my own way, I will next help others. You can’t truly help others before you can help yourself.

I’ve been through this struggle, and I must say thanks to Spirit Reborn helping me recently and you guys accepting me into this guild, I have faith that there is a chance I can be saved from this horrible past and become a true Christian. Because, things happen for a reason and I realized that with recent events it’s part of God’s plan for me and he wants me to be a child of God.

Sorry my testimony is long, but I’m in the right direction of reaching the right path, but don’t know where to go next.