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Party

1/11/2014 , 12:43 p.m.

Crap; I've been invited to a party today and I have 0 dollars to buy a gift for her. One of many reasons why I (HATE!!!!) The month of January. Almost everyone I know has their birthday on this freakin month. My mom, dad, aunt, friends, cousins. I can't afford to by a gift for them, so it may take me a while.

Planning on going to Liners Art store near PCH to buy her new art supplies. Like a new wooden panel for her to paint. She's been complaing about needing one for a while now, so why not.

But s**t, can't worry much. Going out to eat with her, james, the twins, Micheal (if that a*****e comes), and Kayla. Then after that, we're going skating till at least ten. Doesn't sound too bad. Hopefully our bet goes great towards Micheal falling in the skate rink.

Never realized how a day can be so silent by not hearing anything from Azalia. It's eh....pretty freaky in my opinion. .... Hope she's not talk to Lynn for god sake. She probably is, who ******** knows. I talked to my older cousin Crystal about this situation and she told me that I have no control over what she does. She's young, going through lots off feelings, Maybe knew the b***h longer, Blah, blah, blah. Anyway, crystal is right on so many levels. But I don't want it to be a choosing type of game. Like whether it's me or her. If I know it's like that; then I have no choice but to leave. ...On some s**t. I truly don't have the time to worry 24/7 that she loves both of us and can only choose one. That doubles the stress on me, and I really don't need it.

God, I wish she can understand that if I'm not listening to her for (I don't know) reasons; She better snap at me and say "Hey! I need you to listen to me! This is your girlfriend trying to tell you what's wrong now pay attention" instead of going off to talk to lynn! I swear, my first girlfriend did that to me and I respected her fully for that because even though she was afraid of or relationship, she pulled me to the side and grabbed my attention just like that. That girl, even though she was a coward, taught me other than family that a relationship isn't just about saying I love you or making love and s**t; It's mostly about communication and understanding where the other is standing/ their feelings about certain things. I think that was the true reason why I was mad at her that night. Like were you that unsure and afraid to talk to me to the point you went over to Lynn about it. Wow that's pretty ******** up. But s**t, that is why you need to stop me and tell me straight up about what the problem is and how we should work it out "together" instead figuring s**t out yourself and it end up being negative.

I mean for one, making love is really not my jazz. I do sexting and s**t to see how it is. Doesn't mean I like it. Sex in general is pretty much a restriction towards me. Like I hate talking about it in person unless its a joke. I have a sexual touching phobia that's quite strong. I like to talk on the phone about average things we can both relate to instead of me getting confused in the head like "what the ******** is she talking about...don't know so I'll just keep saying "mm, mhm, oh, really?, okay" " . That's why I stay on the phone. I wait to not hear depressing s**t, I wait to not hear that she's not worried, I wait to talk about something we can both relate to. I wait on a lot of things. I also wait to not hear that "I want to help your problems". I don't like listening to people saying that I need help. As if I don't get enough of that already.

I really want to ask her when she gets her phone back if "She" is actually ready for relationship. Ready for me in general. Instead of getting an immediate answer; I want her to take her time with the answer. If she is; then I want her promise...no, Swear to me that she will never talk to Lynn when she's down. I want her to depend on me instead. ... Don't know how less of a man I felt when I heard that. She need to promise not to go back to the girl when she has a man there, not doing anything, that she can talk to for however much as she pleases. ... If she says no, then as much as it'll hurt, we'll have to split up. As a quote I read. "Being single is better than being in a wrong relationship".