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"Have you ever trained before?" That is what my friend, my colleague, my former Judo coach told me back in 2011. We were at our annual Judo outing. I was torn with work and staying with the family. I considered the Judo team my ohana. Ohana means family. I know it sounds cliche.

Anyway, I had to decide what to do, stay or go. What was important to me? The conversation, ended with thoughts like in the end, its just you, do what's best for you, don't think about anyone else. Was a seed planted in my mind? I ponder my inability to really like someone. Trust. Do I trust them? Deep inside, I think, I don't trust anyone with myself but myself. So the choices I make are first and foremost for myself. Even when they benefit another. The feelings I get for helping others is what I like feeling for myself. So its a good thing, and a bad thing. I have yet to feel that level of..... I was going to say intimacy, but that's not the word, it's friendship. I have yet to feel that bond of friendship with a man that makes me want them for a lifetime.

I guess I feel like that's the reason why it's easy to move on. Think like a guy is what I say. Cause girls tend to feel wounded, sad, and hurt after a break-up. Which is normal depending on the time invested. But some don't get over it in a healthy amount of time. GIRL, think about it, if he wasn't that into you, to stay with you, then there are more fish in the sea. Well, at my age there are, depending what your looking for. And that is what people ask me all the time. And my answer is friends, and if things escalate then yah a friendship. Oops I mean relationship...did I mean friendship? See I'm messed up. My friends speculated last night, that I need a balance. A guy that can balance me. ME, who is wild a always in the moment, hardly planning ahead of time. Now that I think about it, I think it sounds like I need a guy to whip me. Teehee, not like that but like whipped xD

I'm bad. Even in my own thoughts. GG.

Back to that training montage. I was at the UFC Gym in Waikele yesterday and got excited being on the mat. Like a child in a playground. I didn't need anyone there to have fun. But I could have had more fun with another person to go all out beast/Goliath mode. Anyway they had a exhibition/orientation for those that joined the gym. It was nostalgic, and I wanted to be among them. Playing, fighting, hitting stuff. But in my condition, fat, out-of-shape thang, Cannot.

But they said can, the member coaches were there for even noobs. Well not exactly what he said, but yes noobs. To lose weight, its not just cardio, working every single muscle in your body can do the same. Which is true, from my memories in the past for Judo. Is it time to reconnect? Activate the old systems? Get real?

If I train now, will I be able to be a good competitor. I don't want to commit, if I cannot succeed. To succeed one must train, its different from just working out at the gym. I see what my old coach meant about training. Its a new level. Your own level.

I had small dreams for the Olympics, but that would a shame if I cannot even perform at that level. Sensei Kevin Asano felt the need to train in Japan, which he did and got Silver. Therefore, at 22, can I do the same?

I feel the ache in my body, it feels a good. And that was only tiger mode. Its a new mode for me. In high school we had beast mode, as a team we pulled our efforts to succeed. Then when it came down to individual prowess, GOLIATH MODE. I have a picture to add later to represent this mode. Hard to find, and I hope gaia didn't log me out while looking for it. Stupid gaia logs me out when afk. Makes me not want to log back in by the way, if I'm not really going to commit to anything.

So yeah, I want to get back into training.Tiger mode ain't gonna cut it. And I like it, it give me the same adrenaline like mhmm wink