<center> Ten Random Things On My Mind Right Now
</center>
1. I've decided to make my journal a 'Friends Only' journal, this way I won't have to worry about the a*****e from school getting his jollies off my feelings stare
2. I have also decided that it is time I get off the net for good. I am slowly but surely weening myself off of it, a good thing in the long run. Why would I be doing this though? For a long while the net was my way to just drift, not to worry about anyone or have them worry about me. To just be lost, without a cause or purpous. For a long while, that made me happy. That allowed me to go from day to day wrapped in my fantasies. Back then, I didn't have any friends, on the net atleast. I had my few friends IRL, but that was enough for me to be content with my life. Of course, I had Greg then too.
As pathetic as it sounds, I miss him. I miss being held, I miss having someone near me kissing the top of my head and telling me everything is alright. I miss driving on the freeway with his crazy a**. I miss having someone to kiss, I miss having someone to have sex with. I miss cuddling...I miss sleeping next to him and having his arm wrapped around me so tenderly. I miss having him to put dudes in their place who tried to talk to me or mess with me. I miss sitting at the park with him and laying in the grass just looking at the sky. I miss going on the weed runs. I miss smokin weed with him. I miss just...having the feeling that someone I love truely loves me back...
3. Today I realized what love really is, or atleast the best way I can define it. Most importantly, I realized love is not something you can feel with someone you merely know on the net.
I recognized when I was ending the relationship Shadow and I had and beginign the one with Chris, that you can't honestly love someone you know on the net. That thought has been troubling me all day today for some reason, when a girl in the General Discussion Forum asked about 'net love'. Another girl who posted in the thread made a good point and when she said it, I was just shocked. Hell, I still am now.
It is impossible to truely love someone you know on the net, and I've been quiet and idiot about all of this. I don't *truely* love anyone on the net I say I do. I love the personality they display and thats it. I love the person they present to me. For me to truely say I love someone in this situation is stupid, which is why my heart is so set on this roadtrip now.
I just want to know that all I am feeling is not in vain...I love him so much, I'd do anything for him...I want him to be real....
4. The 'Post Your Pic' threads seem to be overrun with girls crying for attention. Either they're 'punk' chicks, or this one girl from earlier. It pissed me off how she was using the thread to cry about how she was a cutter. I mean, its sad and all and I am sorry she does it. But damn, it was a thread to just post your pictures stare if you cut yourself thats something you discuss in a PM I don't give a ******** how open you are about it. All because the guy she liked said he didnt like her anymore. I mean...I would be crushed and all, stressed but there's far more worthy guys out there and there's no reason to hurt yourself over just one. He's not the only person who will say he loves you and wants to spent time with you, they're are many more. ( sweatdrop I am trying to take my own advice 3nodding )
5. I'm sad today. Hungry as well...I was bright and happy earlier this morning, but I get to be with my friends all morning in my fave class so I don't have a reason to really be sad. They all laugh and joke with me and it makes me happy. I don't feel so sad or alone, sometimes when I am with them. Its like it doesn't exist for me, and I'm the giddy airhead I love being so much.
6. My mom got me lots of the things I wanted for Christmas. I don't think she know's how to get the DDR thing I was since you have to get it off Ebay, so I will probably have to wait after Christmas to get it. sad
I am starting to think my mom is not such a bad person now. Sometimes, I can just see she is trying her best to be the best damn mom she can be for us. When she's like that, I can't realize why I hate her so. But then she changed back to that b***h I know so well, and then it hits me all over again.
7. Suicide. Things feel so hopeless for me sometimes, that I would prefer death over this life I have. Like now, I'm just lost in myself. I think I am a good person, but I just don't like me. I don't want to be around me. I hate me.
8. Maybe its mean of me, but I despise white girls. For example, in the 'Post Your Picture' thread, all the white girls who post get replies. stare Those damn punk kids just going through their phases. It makes me sick. WTH? Do I have to wear all black and highlight my eyes to get a friggin comment?! Also, all the girls who did something which hurt my life were all white. White girls hurt all the guys I care about too stressed grrrrrr
9. Its snowing outside. Just flurries and such, but its so pretty. I remember back to when I was a kid. Things felt so much better then. I mean, we didn't live nice or decent lives at all, but it didn't matter back then...
10. Onii-san. Yea, thinkin about meh Onii-san lots. We don't get to hang out like before. Teh, I won't lie. I wish I could be there with meh Onii-san 'cause I dun think I would feel so sad about not bein able to hang with him. But like I said, teh, he's busy 3nodding Onii-san wants to get out and have fun and I'm selfish for tryin to whine about it. This is another big reason I'm weenin off the net. I don't have a...purpous anymore to be here.
Shadow's RO doesn't work and he wants to do his own thing now. Brandon is the same way. Kevin has to work and stuff, and he wants to do his own thing. Meh Onii-san is the same too. Everyone I try to befriend now just doesn't seem to want to be bothered. But I don't really want to talk to them either....
Part of me wants to just give my laptop away to charity and never get online again. But the other part clings to these long dead friends as if there is a hope in their revival. When I know, there is none sad ....
