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Be Careful What You Wish For
Up until this year, I wanted to be noticed. Up until this year I wanted someone to talk to me. Up until this year I wanted to be remembered. But now... I just want everyone to forget me. I want them to leave me alone. I don't want to talk to them. I don't want to see them. Any of them. I don't want their comfort. I don't want them to worry about me. I don't want them to notice me. I don't want them to call my name or talk about me. I want to go back to being invisible. I don't want to be here in the light where everyone can see me. I don't want their so called "love." It hurts too much. I want to be alone. I want some place that I can call my own and where I don't have to be around anyone unless I feel like it. I don't want to have to explain myself to anyone. I want to live alone. Away from family and friends. Away from people. I don't want anyone to make me happy. It hurts too much to be happy. Because the happiness leaves faster than it comes. I don't want anything from anyone. I just want to do things at my own pace. To learn things on my own. I can't handle "love." Even now, I still fear the word. It was a word that always froze me, then burned. I hated the word. Especially if it came from my family. I've slowy grown to dislike that word less and less. Still, when I feel this way... That word is not very favorable. This is when it hurts the most. I don't know if my thoughts make any sense, but this is the way I think. This is a clear as it comes. Don't look at me like that. Don't look at me with any concern. Look and talk to me like everything is fine. Comfort me a little but not too much. Don't scare me away. Let me feel safe and let me do as I feel is right for me. Stop putting yourself down. It makes me feel bad. But now I sound selfish. I guess I am the spoiled brat that everyone made me out to be. See? I'm not meant to be around others. I've isolated myself for years, and it still wasn't enough. I don't want your love! I want you to leave me alone! >_< ....But I don't want you to leave... What do I want? . . . I want... I want to get out of this house. I want to get away from my mother. I want to leave this family and all those negative memories behind me. I want to be strong. I want to know what it is like to live on my own. I'm not used to affection. Hugs burn. Smiles seem fake. Love is too uncertain. I don't understand those feelings. I don't understand how people can claim to understand those feelings. I don't think I was meant to feel those feelings. I can't handle them. I'm not prepared for them. I don't want them. Why does he insist on showing me these things!? Why do I like it so much? I feel like I'm just trying to keep up with him, but I... I don't know if I can. I'm going to hurt him! Why!? Why !? Why am I doing this to him? I don't want to, but I can't help it. ....Why am I so weak? Letting these silly emotions get to me? I didn't give a damn about what anyone thought of me. I was never this nice. I wanted everyone to feel my pain, but I wouldn't force it on them. I'd just ignore them. I was invisible... to me at least. I'd sit in my room and listen to them. Talking about me... Just like they are right now. It's all negative. I'm the problem. I always have been. If I'm my own problem, then why are you worrying about me!? Stop it! Stop talking about me! Just leave! ... I'm sorry... I can't talk to you right now. Sometimes it's easier to say things to no one, than it is to tell you directly. I've never been very good at forming my feelings into words. I forget or I choke. It's easier to say it to myself first. To see my thoughts as they happen... I'm sure if I read this, it would seem as if there is more than one person talking. But I'm not going to read this. . . . That is my answer. "I'm in a constant flow of thought." If I talk to you, I wouldn't tell you everything that's on my mind. I'd give you what I think you'd want to hear. I'd give you the cleaned up version of my thoughts. Something that I think you'd understand. My thoughts are scattered, so it's hard for me to explain myself. I have three or more point of views in my mind. One reminding me of my past, one of my present, and the other of my future. I can't just tell them to disappear. As much as I want to. They all want to speak, but I only have one body to represent them all. So, I'm easily fustrated. . . . I'm a coward. I should be able to say what's on my mind. this may just come to you as an excuse, but... This is how it's always been. I've never been able to tell anyone directly how I've felt. Because it seemed like no one wanted to know. So, I've always told myself, or wrote down my feelings. But now I have someone who wants to listen, and I can tell him. I can't break the habbit. I'm afraid to. Whenever I try, it doesnt come out the same. It doesn't satisfy me. And now I'm ignoring him and hurting him. But I don't mean it. . . . And yet he still love me. Now who's the bigger fool? I wonder. . .
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