|
<center> I'm sad
</center>
::sigh:: Yea, I'm sad again.
I think its due to my recent irregular sleeping pattern. Maybe when school starts up I can feel busy again and do something with myself.
I'm babysitting now. I ******** up my plans to get wasted tonight when I told the kid who was supplying me to ******** off. He was being a jerk, a ******** perv on so many levels...so yea. I'm kewl with it though, to be honest I really didn't want to anyway. Just something I used to try to do to escape...its just not worth it now. No matter how much I escape I always awake to the same ******** up reality, so it just doesn't make sense now.
I wouldnt have babysat if I woulda known I wasn't gettin messed up. I'm irritated as ******** and these kids are just makin it worse. ::sigh:: I would rather be home sleeping....
Sometimes Onii-san is really sad like I am...its so depressing to know that. Onii-san is always happy and always chipper and that makes me happy in return; but...he just isn't anymore. Neither am I, for my own selfish reasons. ::sigh;: he was my way to see that no matter what happens you can still be happy...but he is not. I would give anything to just be there and hug him just for a second to see him smile. I don't want him to be sad, I want to make him happy. I am to far away to do anything good...
I feel lonely. Very, very, very lonely. I want love and affection, yet I know I will not recieve it. Only very selective people (as of now, just one person; and they know who they are heart ) I want to recieve affection from...I am sad for me. I pity me. I want to curl into a ball and have someone throw a heavy blanet over me and just...lay there. Forgetting everything and just basking in myself in the dark...I wish I could run away from this life I have, just forget all these problems...but I think like...then what? After I flee like a coward, what after that? What do I have for myself, what do I lay claim to? How do I live...I wisg running away was as easy to do as it is to say.
I wish I could clone myself and just give me a good hug. Support me. Be there for me. All that stuff no one else wants to do. People are so uncaring. I wonder if a clone of me would be the same? It would just be another person, and people are all the same.
There is...a person who is near me (literally) who care very much for. He is a dear friend (and nothing more). I saw him change once, he was a good person for a while. When we met and hung out its like he started to change all his bad ways and was becoming a better person. Then, after time we grew apart as he began to do other things to occupy his time. We were still close...but he was changing. He has reverted back to that bad person he once was, and I am helpless to do anything. He smokes weed everyday, he drinks again...and it is depressed how he could change so drastically in just a few months. What could have happened to make him change back to that horrible person he is now. All I can do is just...watch him chang. Watch him transform and do nothing to stop it...I am so helpless even to do something for a person who lives just a few blocks away from me. I know there is somethign I can do...I jsut don't knwoi what it is. He applied for college a while ago...he was happy, going into early childhood development....now he sits back, playing that god damn X-Box and smokin weed blunts with this dropout friends. His stupid a** is probably smokin cronic and gettin drunk right now...the weird thing, is that Onii-san seems to have a friend doing the same thing now. So ironic to me...but I'm weird...so I guess thats why....
Why must people change like this? Everyone I start to look up to, start to admire...change into bad things. Sad things...and I wonder is it my fault? All the people I think of...I can just see it being my fault...things I do, the way I am...it just makes me sad. I dont' blame myself at all, I just always wonder.
35 minutes to a new year...but holidays are all the same to me nowadays. I remeber last year, on my 16th B-day Greg came over and yelled at me and stuff...ruined the entire day for me. Then 3 or so days later he was in jail over something stupid. I always antcipated my 16th b-day as soemthing great and that ******** a*****e ruined it for me because he said his wasn't all that good so why should mines be. ::sigh::
My mom and her new boyfriend are having troubles. I knew it would happen, yet as it does its a bit of a surprise to me.
I go back to school on Monday. I'm not looking forward to it. No kid does...but I mean, I'm REALLY not looking forward to it.
I've been so pessimistic lately. So depressed. So worthless. Just sitting playing Ragnarok and not even leveling up. Talking to all these people I dont' want to be bothered with.
...I feel like I'm gunna cry....so I'ma go now. Sit on the couch and like the loser I am spent new years eve alone.
|
