hey everyone i know i havent made any meaning blogs but thats just because i didnt really have anything to write about... but now i do. there is one thing that i have to get off me chest. well as most of yall know i will be leaving for basic training this month. and i dont know what will happen to me after that... but the one thing that i do know is that there is a chance that i might never get to see someone who i love very deeply again. but before i get to that part i have something else to explain. have you seen the the tv series BOY MEETS WORLD (BMW for short). if not you should see it. well the 2 main characters are cory and topanga. all through out the series they go out and then break up and then go out again... over and over again. but it was their love for each other that kept bringing them back together. they had what i call the cory/topanga relationship. they started going out in highschool and it continued through out college and they even got married. ive always wanted to have the cory/topanga relationship. (just without all the breaking up) but i always told myself that it was just a fantasy, and it wasnt real. and even if it was real it would never happen to me. but then i met someone in my freshman year that changed my view of that. i met this really wanderfull girl... who has grown into a really wonderfull woman. well we started dating. "its real" i thought "the cory/topanga relationship is real. and it happened to me. i loved her and i still do. we dated for about 2 1/2 years total. breaking up and going out more times than i can count. every time we broke up my heart got broken. but i had a feeling. a feeling that everything would turn out right and that i would be with her again.. it was this, my northern star that guided me through the blackness of my selfpity. when i was with her i felt as if i could fly. and when we were apart i felt as if i were dead. i was dead. well as dead as you can be without being DEAD. (if that made any sence to you at all). but then we would get back together and it was like she she brought me back to life. after we broke up for good, i went out with a few girls... they made me feel ok. i still felt dead though. and when i broke up with them i wasnt hurt that badly. in the end june of last year i broke up with my last gf... my first was going out with someone else. which was understandable. but i still wanted to be with her. because when i was with the others i feel the emotions that i showed... i missed her and i wanted her back... the only girl who i have ever truly loved, and i mean truely loved. not the high school i love you / i love you too. true love. i wanted to be with her but i nothing about it. as much as i wanted to be with her i wanted her to be happy... and when i saw that she was with someone who made her happy... i decided to leave her be. there is a quote that i like... i dont know who cam up with if anyone. "you know that you truly love someone when you are willing to suffer all the pain in the world just to see them happy." and thats the way i felt... and thats what i did. i suffered so much just to see her happy. i didnt care how much it hurt me to see her with someone else. i realized just how much i actually loved her just recently. i had known for awile i just never listend to my heart... i loved her then and i love her now. it took 2 1/2 years of dating her, 1 year of dating others, and 1 year of being single, to realize it. but i do. im just sorry that i didnt realize it sooner. what actually brought the realization to me was a couple of BMW episodes that i saw...which is why i mentioned it in the begining. and i regret not telling her sooner. but i was afraid. i was afraid that she wouldnt feel the same way anymore... i wouldnt have blamed her either... after everything i put her through. i was afraid of showing my true feelings. i always hid behind a mask... well not any more... now the masks are off. it sucks that the only way i could tell my true feelings was through this stupid blog. to whom i am speaking about: you know who you are. i have left your name out of this blog out of respect for you. if you would like people to know that it i you who i am talking about then by all means tell them. just remember that what ever happens i love you. i loved since the first time we kissed... i love you with every beat of my heart.
and i will always love you forever and for always.
i am sorry that you had to find out this... and at this time...what with me leaving and everything. but examining ones past and looking into ones future gets one over ones fear. and i figured this was a good time to get this off my chest.
well i have to go now. i hope to talk to you soon.
i love you
forever and for always
amen.
and to all others who read this.
blessed be
and my your deity whoever it may be guide you saftly through your life... and may it be filled with happiness.
 craigo · Thu Sep 14, 2006 @ 07:13am · 0 Comments |
