I lied. I am hurt and dead. So much pressure!! >w< There's been a lot going on the past week and I need to say a few things. Eric .. I don't know if you actually read my journal so .. I'll just write it down anyway. The past few days you've been like, "I've been thinking.. blah blah." But, shouldn't I have a say in this too? I mean, you've been telling me what you've been thinking and that's cool and all but, I'm still not comfortable just haging around you while we're with other people that we know .. Ya know, I've been thinking about this a lot and my head says "Go for it! It'll make you happy!" But .. my heart says "No. You have so little in common. It'll never work." And I've always been the type of person to follow my heart. Some say that's a bad thing but I see it as a good thing. But now, I'm not so sure. After all, my heart couldn't be anymore picky. So, if none of this has gotten to you yet .. What I'm saying is that .. Maybe we're better off just sending pms and ims back and forth to each other.
Another thing that's been on my mind lately. You'll never guess who that is! .. Yeah. Mr. Man. I don't know why I still haven't gotten over him yet. I mean I have, but not .. all the way. Ya know? .. It's really wierd though cause .. Now it's really starting to sink in. Of course, I'm talking about all those little signs that you don't see until you look back on it and it hits you now when it should have hit you then .. That really hurts. I just lie there in bed sometimes wondering to myself, "Why didn't I see all this before?!" And then I usually cry myself to sleep. I really miss him so much. We got .. so close. And I'm sure by now he's totally forgotten about me .. But what hurts more than loosing him is know that he wasn't fighting to stay.
This little piece goes to the "FLOCK". Everyone knows that I'm turring 16 this year. And I'm still so far behind all of you that .. It's starting to get out of hand for me. .. I look at you guys and I see you flapping your wings happily and how far you can really go with .. your match. But .. you guys really haven't noticed me. I flap harder than all of you cause you get help from one another and from others. But not me. I stay behind watching you all fly so freely and I can't help but wonder .. "What makes them so much better than me? What do I have to do to get notcied like they do? Why can't I be loved like them? .. Will I .. ever .. catch up?" It's not so easy being alone all the time. Sure, you get those moments where you just want to be left alon. But .. What about those times when you need someone to hold you? To comfort you when you're scared or upset? To clam you down when you're mad? To make you laugh when you're down? .. What about those times? .. I can't have that cause .. I'm not as noticeable as the rest of you. And I don't think that's fair .. You've all been in a relationship whether it be bad or good. But I haven't! I haven't had that warm and fuzzy feeling on the inside!! .. I have but .. It was never ment to be ... I would give everything I have to just be with a good person. I just .. Want to know.
Comfort me all you want, it's not going to do anything. No matter what you say, no matter what you do, I will always .. feel this way on the inside. Alone. Empty. Hated. Rejected. Cold. .. It will never change until the day .. I truely fly.
~* Not complete *~ </3
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