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Yeah... It's slowly coming up. I might not even go. I don't have the guts to ask the guy I like. Even if he doesn't have a date. No chance. I dunno. I might go, but the chances are slim. If I did, I'd be going alone. Hurrah. Well, put simply, I'm not even looking forward to it, I guess. Do I ever really look forward to dances? Homecoming, maybe. Either way, it doesn't really matter. I can't really expect to get adate as a freshman. If almost any freshman guy asked me to any dance... ick. I shudder a the mere thought of it. Most are just... ugh! Pot-smoking, idiotid, dumb-asses that I hate. Seriously. Most to all of my guy friends are Juniors or Seniors. Heh. Mind you, I only talk to 5 guys on a normal basis. So it doesn't matter anyway.

On a close to the same note, Valentine's day is coming up. another thing I look forward to so much. Yeah right. I've always hated the day. always will, probably. It's really a waste of time. And money. You buy someone chocolats, thy eat them, and poof. It's the thought that counts, I guess. Yay. A thought I've never received. Do I care? Minorly. I guess it doens't really matter. But the opposite ot everything is indifference. Always for the worst, because indifference is worse than hate even. Not caring... eh. Don't get me started.

To sum it all up, I'm basically indifferent to everything that's happening around me. My life has nothing exciting about it. I get up, go to school, go home. Repeat. What's so important and eventful about that? Nothing special happens to me. Sometimes I wonder how bad a dangerous life would be. It would keep me busy, at least. Get me out of the basic boring life cycle...

My mom's buying a piano tomorrow. Lovely. I'll never get her to stop playing. And she'll ask me more stupid questions and when I explain them, whine that she doesn't understand. My frustration grows. She yells at me for yelling at her. A vicious cycle. Somehow, I never manage to completely win.

Large group speech is over. At first, the judges gave us a 1 overall, they made a mistake, we actually got a 2. So we're not going to state. We're performing for the alst time on monday. It'll be cool. I guess.

I can't help but feel bad for someone that's in the same show. He found out that the girl he wanted to take to prom... has a boyfriend. Oh... he looked crushed. I feel horrible for him and I hope it all goes well. Really, he's a sweet guy. Funny, nice... It's hard not to feel bad, especially after seeing the crushed look on his face. It was really, really hard. *sighs* I hope it all goes well for him.

On a lighter note, two of my good friends are going to turnabout together. As good friends. I'm happy to see them going. It gives me a satisfied feeling inside, I guess. I'm not really jealous at all, either. I think I've finally come to an agreement with myself that... I just don't care anymore. I know it makes me feel better when upperclassmen are happy when you succeed... and it's nice to have it through closer friends. I don't get it very often. Inside our group of firends.. no one does. But now, once some others find out that they're going, it'll create an uproar and they'll accuse them of going out. Not like things like that haven't bene brought up before. Which really annoys me.

It's depressing. I can express myself through notes and stuff... and always picture in my head what I want ot say to someone... but when the time comes, I back down and stray from what I had planned. Maybe that's why I'm so unhappy all the time? Or do I just not get neough support from my friends? Can I really call most of them that? I'm not sure, a lot of the time. Many are just mean to me sometimes. I'm sure that some poeple know who I mean.

I used ot think I was surrounded by good people, but now that we're in high shcoo, i'm questioning that. Jealousy and grudges run deep through people. Lies... everything. we all know they're there and we don't confront each other. We pretend like everything's ok. I know, though, that everyone has something they dislike about everyone else. I'm just as guilty. But I already know how bad I am at standing up for ymself. I've shrunk back form my "friends" because whenever I say something, someone criticizes it eventually. Everyhting I do... *sighs* Such a lovely life.

And to top it all off, I think my parents assme everything's ok. I think that they think my only worries are grades. They think the computer distracts me. Most of the time my mind wanders about a problem going on between some friends and distracts me. I get on the computer to relieve myself fom this stress. When my mom take shte ocmputer away, I don't think she realizes she takes away my only escape from life. Not that I'd ever say that. She'd laugh at me and ground me anyway. How kind of her.

Well, I guess I'll shut up now. It's not like anyone reads my journal anyway. It just helps me vent even to myself. Well, thanks to anyone who actually does read it. Yeah, right. Like anyone cares about me that much.

Love,
Alex