|
<center> Expressionless
</center>
I broke it off with Alche. Reviewing how my past realationships have gone...its not right for me to do to him what I have done to others. Until I can control myself and adjust my behavior a little better I won't let myself have him. If nothing else, he's my best friend; and that means more to me than anything else.
I only went to school half of the day. My head was throbbing and all I could think to do was cry. My cousin picked me up, and took me home. I didn't sleep...I couldn't. I took some IB and just starred at the wall.
I've been doing that a lot lately. Just starring off into space thinking about absolutely nothing. If I'm not on RO I'm left with these dangerous thoughts I have...
I've got a new 'boyfriend' now. Someone I'd crushed on a while back...then he disappeaered and as with Alche I figured he didn't like me and I was being stupid. He came back and confessed all his feelings and such to me and I listened starry eyed. It makes me feel so happy and wanted when the guy takes initative and tells me before I have to say anything that he's inlove with me and stuff. He's very...protective of me, I've never had anyone protective of me before so I am intrested in seeing how this turns out. He's loose and cuss's and stuff like I do and I just feel like I can relax...a feeling s certain someone gave me before but we don't even talk much now so...so, I dunno.
Anyway...he's got these disorders. He told me that two years ago him and his girlfriend (IRL) were out and she got gunned down by her exboyfriend who didn't wanna let her go. He promised to protect her and he held her in his arms as she died. I dunno if its true or not, but thats one hell of a way to get my sympathy. 3nodding So now, from seeing that and feeling like a failure, he's all fcked up in the head. He called it 'short tempered', and he's uber protective of me. He snapped at Alche when he sat next to me on RO and started yellin at him and stuff. He didn't do anything but sit by me and he went off on Alche. sad I couldnt' even do anything 'cause mom made me get offline and go to bed.
We have....things in common. We both have tried suicide; he tried to set himself on fire and hang himself and cut himself and shoot himself...I was shocked as hell. I still dunno if he's forreal or not, I gotta see the kid on his cam if I can; he said he's got scars all over himself. I dont'...pity him, but I just...wish I could help him. Thats my mission, if nothing else I wanna help him. He already said he might start yellin at me and shiz for no reason and has applogized in advance and I dunno if I can take that. I remember when I was little, whenever I was with my dad (those few times I could be...) and he'd yell at me I'd always start crying. Something about males and yelling at me hurts my feelings so much...
Anyway, I like this thing we have thus far. Its all lovey and stuff like how Kevin and I were so I can slip back into thta comfortable place I used to be in. It feels nice, and I hope it stays alright.
I wonder whats wrong with me. I feel so lost and this feeling hurts alot. sad I want to cry but be mad at the same time. I'm so sensative now. The mildest things said to me hurts alot. I just...wanna crawl into my bed and curl into a ball anc cry...
I want to run away. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to be anywhere. I just wish time could stop and wait for me to get my head straigh and then start back up again...I want to be somewhere where I feel loved and wanted.
Savetyre said I could come and stay with him a few weeks. He lives far far away...I am sitting here honestly concidering doing this...he shows me some form of attention and concern, which is better than what I am given now.
...I'm off to RO
|
