This will probably be the longest and most serious entry in my journal, and its all dedicated to my mother..
For over two years now ive been dressing differently and how I've wanted to dress, I guess you could call it somewhat Black/Death Rocker-ish look with a twist of Gothic lolita.
My mother and i had a long talk with me lastnight about how I dissapoint her by dressing the way i do and how I've been hurting her with my Brutal fashion. Shes an over protective mother so i cant blame her for neglecting the fact that her only child dresses like "a freak" (her words) but the fact that she insults my choices in clothing, friends, and lifestyle made me simply want to slit her ******** throat!
a quote from my mother from lastnight;
mother I dont know what you're trying to prove with your style, Tara but you're building a wall around you with it trying to lock everyone out so they cant touch or harm you. You need you work on your selfasteem... Build it up, and dress normally and one day when you're older you'll look back at this and laugh at how you looked and your way of thinking...
THAT! and that alone is why i utterly despise my mother. I have never had a good selfasteem due to bullying at school (and apperently at home too) and been building it up from scratch. These past year has been the peek of my selfasteem history! ive never had as good selfasteem as i do today and for her to say i need to work on it just makes me feel inadequate.. and GAH the quote says it all, how would you feel if your mother said that to you?!
THATS NOT EVEN THE WORST PART!! Shes been roaming hrough my rooma nd my bags to see if she can find something that she doesnt know about. Shes deppriving me of my privecy! Im going to lock my room from now on! (i shouldnt have to its my ******** room! and i should be able to feel safe about leaving stuff in my room, right?)
She's forbid me to go to any of my friend Amandas parties cuz she doesnt like the people i meet there, and that they are a bad influence on me. What made her come to this? She spoke to my dad who was picking me up when he saw my friend Johan whos got a jacket coverd in spikes and wears leather boots and a gothic male skirt. From that she thinks everyone i meet are rasistic and crack smocking skinheads who will destroy my life. SHE DIDNT EVEN SPEAK TO ANY OF MY FRIENDS TO KNOW THE REAL TRUTH!
I am so sick of her, and her threats to let dad take over the descisions of what i can and cannot do. He hasnt made a single descision for me .. ever, and now he wants to become a father and control me.
..you might think that im being egocentric (and i dont care if you do!) but i really needed to get this off my chest.
Maybe i should just be a good girl as my mother wants me to and throw away all my spiked bracelets, my leather coat, all of my "freaky clothes" my Underground's, more then 90% of my woredrobe and just be "normal" ... burry all of my desires to be different and be myself, all of my thoughts and opinions that differes from everyone else my love for leather, death/black metal and Vampires deep inside of me and keep them bottled up, neglecting their exictance... and hope they... dissapear.. become shallow..
*sigh* i hate her so much for depriving me of my freedom ..
EDIT; well my mother isnt the only one to blame for my view on life anymore, my father is equally responsible for it, he said that all the people that are dressing differently are bad people, and to that hes going to take away all of my clothes that are the slightest bit differnt and forbiding me to see Cecilia, my bestestestest friend in the whole wide world, cuz she has a leather bag with a few spikes on it. he said that he doesnt want me to become a bigger mistake then what i was when he found out my mother was pregnant -_-..
 angelic_scars · Thu Feb 24, 2005 @ 10:25am · 1 Comments |
