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i have a problem that i will have no shame in admitting.... i don't like the way i am.... i treat people in ways that i don't want to admit... i don't know who i am... i act sweet and innocent around the right people but when i'm with people i can be real with or just myself i couldn't be any more..... evil doesn't quite describe it and neither does sleazy..... more like a combination of both mixed in with deception and secretivity....... my mind is a cloud that nobody can see through to others.... but to myself its like a wide open horror book.... a book that's in a totally different language from that of which everybody knows..... basically a dead language that only i understand.... my mind works differently from anybody that i know of.... i see no point in guilt...... there's nothing you can do to change the past so why feel sorry for it?.... the same goes for humiliation..... there's no point in fear because what is going to happen to you will happen to you whether you are afraid of it or not..... same with nervousness..... nervousness actually makes the situation worse because if you are nervous..... then you rush through things without thinking...therefore making it worse for yourself and sometimes at the expense of another..... so many emotions are pointless but they are things we can't control most of the time.... i on the other hand have learned to control them and take charge of them.... i can fake them when i need to but never actually feel them..... cutting is the thing i find most pointless in just about anything that the human race has ever come up with... one it is the work of the devil..... i am strongly a Christian even though i might not act like it at times..... i have my full faith in the Lord but it's true that i have some minor doubts.... cutting is something i know for a fact the Lord does not approve of and i don't either....... i have my own reasons that i choose to keep to myself...... you have no idea how many friends i have turned away for that purpose........ i know that i should try to help them but my screwed up mind simply will not allow me to have anything to do with them...... i will ignore them at all costs and i will not want anything to do with them...... i will try to help some that i actually believe i can help though.... the other ones i just pray that they find a way with what they are going through even though i don't want anything to do with them.... i can hate you but still care the world for you..... people usually don't understand that..... but that is just how i am.....