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520 days,12,483 hours, 749,017 minutes.

520 days,12,483 hours, 749,017 minutes since I first said ‘I love you’.

I’m not aware of the first moment I first fell in love with him. Someone once said that you can’t have a relationship without respect. If you put it that way, then he’s pretty much had it forever. It was his spirit and attitude that first attracted me. You just don’t dis a demon, man. Funny how it worked out, I mean, for some reason it made me like him, instead of pissing me off like it should have. Guy’s got spunk, but so doesn’t most people. You don’t see me all over Auron, and that guy pisses me off more than anything. So yeah, I had respect, but I don’t know how much he had for me at the beginning, because frankly I know I probably pissed him off, what with me being the weird annoying chibi thing that sat on his head and stole his cigarettes. Haha. He liked me soon enough, though.

The respect kinda morphed into….over-protectiveness after that. Guess I should have realized my feelings at that point, but it would take another two years or so. I pushed myself so I wouldn’t be in the little-form, not so much for defense but as to impress him, but it certainly didn’t hurt, since Auron almost killed him and all. The whole issue of vampires first came up about this time, and I didn’t really take it well. Yeah, and the issue with other demons came before that. I’d like to say that we had our first major fight about the vampire, but it really wasn’t about that. It was trust. Respect. My love said hurtful words, and I was enraged that somewhere along the line, my heart was ruling over my head. Because I respected him, and it appeared that he didn’t hold me up in the same regard.

“You really think so little of me?”

‘truthfully, yes.’

I can still remember those words. So I tried to show him just how much power he had over me, that I would never do anything that he disproved of, or told me not to. Demons just don’t give the upper hand to anybody, don’t become subordinate to any random stranger. Of course I couldn’t tell him that, though. Stubborn an’ prideful, that’s me. We weren’t really at the whole divulge-your-inner-feelings-stage quite yet. So I told myself I wouldn’t let the vampire, or other demons, irritate me. I’d prove to him that I was worthy of his respect.

We became pretty good buddies after that. So what comes after respect, friendship, and protectiveness? Simple blind caring and not realizing your feelings, at least for the stupid. And of course, I always have to screw things up.

So I began to drink. It started out, I guess, harmless enough, just drinking to impress him, who, by the way, introduced me to it. The alcohol was alright, but it amused my human when I got drunk. Or at least that’s the impression I got. Then I found my real motivation.

He took care of me. I would get wasted and hung-over, and my love would be there beside me and hold my hair back when I got sick. I know what you’re thinking--puking one’s guts up isn’t exactly romantic. But at the time, it seemed to be the only way I knew he cared about me. It truly wasn’t the only time he showed that he cared, and yet something in me craved that contact. I wanted his attention. I wanted him to care.

As with everything, I pushed things too far, and ended up getting my poor human pissed at me again. I had drank to screw myself up so that he would comfort me, but I was so caught up in my own feelings and wants, I did not see how much grief and worry my actions was causing him. Instead of bringing him closer to me, I made him leave me.

Haven’t drank since. Never will, either. Bad influence for the kids anyway.

Yes. Kids. Shut up already. They aren’t….they….We adopted them. So to speak, anyway. After the drinking incidents, I did everything I could think of to make things right again. Which brings us to the children. What…great timing….

Children. Right. Well, my love had always mentioned that he wondered what it would be like to be a parent, a father. He usually got pretty depressed whenever that topic came up, and of course I hated seeing him so sad. On one of my infrequent roundtrips to Hell, I found a young demonling near my old “residence”. Abandoned devils are not an uncommon thing, me having been one of ‘em. What was unusual was finding a child so far out from other devils and therefore, energy. Little sucker had been left to die.

I did what any right-minded demon would not have done. I brought it to the surface. To my human.

Oh sure, I pretended that it had followed me. Not a total lie since it had attached itself to me in Hell for some free energy, but little ones can’t do teleportation spells. I didn’t expect the child to be there for long. I totally believed that I could show my friend what it would be like to be a parent for a while, then send the brat back.

Didn’t really count on Cid growing to like him. Didn’t count on the others liking the child too. Didn’t count on finding out that I couldn’t get rid of him.

At first Cid played with the child just to give me some free time, and to “help” me out, but he eventually grew to like the kid. I’ve never told him the real reason I brought the kid up, so when he got into one in one of his moods, I had to tactfully get into his mind that he was the kid’s father, for all it was worth. Because by that point, I had realized that the kid was here to stay, and I was its damn “mother”.

Glaki, as he was so named by his damn piss-licking, ******** insane parents, actually…assisted in Cid and I’s relationship. It wasn’t an easy ride though. A blind person could have seen a mile away just how jealous I would get over sharing my human’s attention with another demon. In order to curb my blatant resentment, Cid and I became more openly affectionate to one another, or at least that’s what I’m saying. There was also a tiny incident where I kinda died and caused Cid a lot of anguish, so…

Whatever it was, it was about this time that I realized just how much I cared for my human friend. I think my thoughts went along the lines of ‘s**t!….but damn, he is handsome’.

Realizing that you’re in love with a very attractive, powerful man that happens not only to be your best friend, but straight as well, isn’t exactly the most comforting feeling. Especially if you happen to be a devil, and your love-interest knows Holy magic. Not that Cid would have ever cast that on me, but sometimes I wonder how he would have reacted if I had confessed my feelings earlier. I wonder how I would have reacted if I had admitted my feelings earlier.

Between fighting with vampires (we fought together, ok?), dealing with my temper, and keeping the kid alive, we finally got a chance to let our feelings come out.

Confessing was…nice…in that bittersweet way. I knew I loved him, but I didn’t see myself owning up to it like I did. I didn’t see it coming. Sitting there in his lap and hugging him….it just came out. And…

He said he loved me too.

His love amazes me even now. How he could love someone that has caused him so many headaches and pain is beyond me. Sometimes I feel like my bad outweighs the good I give him; for all my efforts, I just can’t get things right. I’ve been so blessed to have Cid’s love, and especially his forgiveness for all the times I’ve screwed up.

What’s the bad part, then? My human returned my love, and I…pushed things. There are two things that…wait, make it…three things that I regret in my life.

One of those regrets is being a total ******** to Cid when he was most vulnerable. I didn’t give him…the respect I should have. I should have never pushed the way I did. I was so caught up in amazement that he loved me, I thought he wanted what I wanted. It wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted his love, and he gave it to me, and for some goddamned reason…

…I’m glad he said no. I’m so…glad he had the courage to stop me. Just like me, to ruin things even before they start. Demons don’t really “date,” but my love isn’t a demon; he’s better than that. I would have, should have…let our relationship grow a little. Sure, after four years you outta know a person, but this was different. Love is different than friendship. I should have been nicer to him, I should have showed him how much I cared without…that. When things did happen, it was the right time, for both of us. If only I hadn’t been such an idiot and waited…

What about the other regrets, then?

…….

The elf is calling me for dinner. I’m tempted to stay here, but the last time I refused to eat…didn’t go over too well. Food has become my main source of energy since, yanno, there’s not too many people wandering around on the ‘ship that I don’t know. Don’t give me that, my Cid’s perfectly willing to…lend me energy, but I still hate it. Though, with the lack of opportunity, I’ve been borrowing some of his lately, just a bit. Some days I would even skip it, but the man can see right through my lies, so that’s not really an option anym--

…..

There he goes again. Damn it. The ship is my home. Mine. And it’s pretty ******** weird for your guests to do the things that you should be doing. Not that anyone would want my cooking over the elf’s, but damn. Aside from being banned from doing the laundry, having no skills whatsoever, and failing everything else I try to do, that doesn’t leave a whole lot of things I can manage. The chocobos are the kids’ responsibility, and now Pader and his mutant friend have taken over the cooking and cleaning. They’re just trying to help out, being grateful that Cid let them onboard an‘ all, but still. Can’t hardly help the kids with their homework. What the ******** are alektorophobias? Does it even matter?

…time to eat.