Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

I'm a LIBRA. My birthday is September 29th, 1993. According to a couple of sites I went to, I am...
Diplomaitic and urbane
Romantic and charming
Easygoing and sociable
Idealistic and peaceable
Indecisive and changeable
Gullible and easily infuenced
Flirtatious and self-indulgent

___Cool stuff about Libras____
Many modern astrologers regard it as the most desirable of zodiacal types because it represents the zenith of the year, the high point of the seasons, when the harvest of all the hard work of the spring is reaped. There is a mellowness and sense of relaxation in the air as mankind enjoys the last of the summer sun and the fruits of his toil. Librans too are among the most civilized of the twelve zodiacal characters and are often good looking. They have elegance, charm and good taste, are naturally kind, very gentle, and lovers of beauty, harmony (both in music and social living) and the pleasures that these bring.

They have good critical faculty and are able to stand back and look impartially at matters which call for an impartial judgment to be made on them. But they do not tolerate argument from anyone who challenges their opinions, for once they have reached a conclusion, its truth seems to them self-evident; and among their faults is an impatience of criticism and a greed for approval. But their characters are on the whole balanced, diplomatic and even tempered.

Librans are sensitive to the needs of others and have the gift, sometimes to an almost psychic extent, of understanding the emotional needs of their companions and meeting them with their own innate optimism - they are the kind of people of whom it is said, "They always make you feel better for having been with them." They are very social human beings. They loathe cruelty, viciousness and vulgarity and detest conflict between people, so they do their best to cooperate and compromise with everyone around them, and their ideal for their own circle and for society as a whole is unity.

Their cast of mind is artistic rather than intellectual, though they are usually too moderate and well balanced to be avant garde in any artistic endeavor. They have good perception and observation and their critical ability, with which they are able to view their own efforts as well as those of others, gives their work integrity.

In their personal relationships they show understanding of the other person's point of view, trying to resolve any differences by compromise, and are often willing to allow claims against themselves to be settled to their own disadvantage rather than spoil a relationship. They like the opposite sex to the extent of promiscuity sometimes, and may indulge in romanticism bordering on sentimentality.
Their marriages, however, stand a good chance of success because they are frequently the union of "true minds". The Libran's continuing kindness toward his or her partner mollifies any hurt the latter may feel if the two have had a tiff. Nor can the Libran's spouse often complain that he or she is not understood, for the Libran is usually the most empathetic of all the zodiacal types and the most ready to tolerate the beloved's failings.

Both sexes can become great gossipers. A characteristic of the type is an insatiable curiosity that tempts them to enquire into every social scandal in their circle.

In their work the description "lazy Libra" which is sometimes given is actually more alliterative than true. Librans can be surprisingly energetic, though it is true that they dislike coarse, dirty work. Although some are modestly content, others are extremely ambitious.

____Likes and Dislikes____
LIKES
The finer things in life
Sharing
conviviality
Gentleness (YESSS!!!)

DISLIKES
Violence
Injustice
Brutishness
Being a slave to fashion (I would NEVER!!!)

It seems like every day I polish up a mask that can fool everyone, even my own parents. A mask of happiness, that when it comes down to it is just a mask. Nothing from that mask will ever be plastered in my soul. It will never leave a mark or sink into me, for it is just a mask that I wear.

I have lasted four years with keeping my sadness bottled up. I think I can manage to keep them in here a bit longer (maybe).

Even after four years I STILL don’t know how to express myself without humiliation falling into my pity. There’s not much anyone can do to help, if it’s ME that isn’t able to tell them my plans for the past and the future.

I’m not sure how much longer I can keep this dead body standing with an empty soul inside that’s barely able to sustain itself, let alone try and stabilize another thing altogether.

On the outside, everyday, I smile with my mask. Underneath it I’m just a scared little ten-year-old girl that’s afraid of what will happen to everybody around her and crying her eyes out because of it.

Even with the Warm Place, it wasn’t as much help as it seemed. That was only the art class where I MADE my mask.

Also all the therapists I had, they only gave me distractions from my pain, like toys. They didn’t talk or anything, they just sat there and got little troubles that were bothering me RIGHT THEN, not stuff from my past.

Honestly, I CAN’T just talk about my problems. I think that if I ever have the chance, I should go to hypnotherapy. I’ve seen it on TV and I think that’s the only way that they can truly get anything out of me.

When I bite on my lip, I’m either thinking about something or I’m trying not to laugh or cry.

In the pit of sorrow I’m in now, it’s hard to even get up in the morning and ACT happy.

I find myself practicing jokes and smiles without even thinking about it. I do this every morning in front of the mirror.

Happy or sad thoughts, if they’re about things I’ve lost then I cry no matter what.

(12-3-07)I got blamed today for putting “kill me” on the desk. Then I got questioned about it by my classmates AND my teacher. This just made me cry all the way to 7th period. I almost tried to run away from school, but I didn’t.

(12-4-07)I saw a star up in the sky. No other star up there. It’s almost as if Aaron thought that he should come and check on me through that star. If he saw what happened to me yesterday, he probably would.

(12-4-07)Even though it’s the day that I SHOULD mourn, I can’t even shed a single tear and I feel like my mask is still on.

Aaron was/is my favorite sibling, and he would be turning 20 today if he was still alive.

(12-4-07)I’ll try being truthful to anyone that asks today but I know that if I talk, I’ll cry. I’ve already cried twice today and school hasn’t even started yet.

(12-4-07)It’s still hard to believe that it’s been four years…I still wonder what he would look like if he were still alive.

I just heard “accidents occur”…boy THAT brings back memories…horrible ones.

Everyone says, “Come talk to me if you need any help.” That’s just it!! I CAN’T talk about my problems. So in theory, I can’t get any help.

No wonder I feel so empty. Every time and Angel cries, a piece of her heart falls.

(12-4-07)I just found out that my Aunt Bonnie was found dead in her house today. My mom called me into the living room and told me, “Shelly called saying that no one had seen Aunt Bonnie in a week, so she sent some police to her house to check up on her. She was found dead in her garage.” She was gone. My favorite aunt, gone…and on Aaron’s birthday too?! I was already depressed enough as it is!!!

God! Is this some kind of sick punishment? What did we do? Why Aaron’s birthday? Why not in January, just like with all the other deaths we had?!

I know that I shouldn’t be yelling at God. But, I don’t know who to yell at. For some reason I’m mad. God, please help my mother…and definitely help Shelly. She was Bonnie’s only daughter. My mom said that she raised Bonnie like her own child when they were growing up. So please help them the most. I KNOW they’re hurting more.

(December 8th, 2007)
The funeral for my Aunt bonnie was sad, then horrible, then funny. Let me explain what I mean. Everyone in the family came to the funeral. The songs that were playing were ones that reflected best on Bonnie as a person. After the funeral part was done, everyone got in their cars and we started off toward the cemetery with hearse in front.
We had an idiot driving the hearse. First off, he led us to the WRONG CEMETARY, then when we turned around to go to the right one HE SPED OFF LEAVING US THERE!!! My parents and I had to lead everyone to the right church. The only reason why we knew where it was was because it was OUR CHURCH.
When we got there, the hearse was already there and Aunt Bonnie’s coffin was already above the whole where she was going to be buried. He tried apologizing to us, but we weren’t going to hear it! Shelly went rampant on his a**! I don’t blame her! She’s never lost it before, at least not in front of me. I was amazed, I was shocked, but most of all I was admiring her right then, standing off to the side agreeing with every word that she said.
We got through the burial and it was time for everyone to go to the Fellowship Hall to eat. But it was locked…my other cousin, Sunny, my dad, and I had to break into the church-___-We are SOOO going to Hell-___-When we finally got in Ernest, the youth pastor, was there and he UNLOCKED THE DOOR! Later we were all laughing because aunt bonnie must’ve had fun ruining her own funeral.

When I was only 3 my grandfather died of lung cancer and I later find out that he left all these things for me and I can't even remember anything about him. My uncle died when I was seven in January, same as my Grandmother(lung cancer). But the thing is that was my first funeral and all I can remember was that she smelt nothing like my Grandmother-she smelt fake, unreal, and like she had way too much plastic powder on her. After that I wasn't really changed much but when my brother died when I was 10 (him being only 16) I completely lost myself. It turned out that I saw him before I was even home-on the bus ride home.


++story of that day from my perspective=sad thing is that I can clearly remember this and I still have nightmares about it++
It was Friday January 30th, I was riding the bus home and there was reck up ahead. We went by it and I didn't see any bodies or anything. There were police cars, fire trucks, and ambulances. When I got off that bus to get on another that takes me to my house a little boy that rode that bus with me came over. His name was Bobby. He said that he saw a boy in the ambulance and at the time I had no idea that it was my brother. I just looked up at the sky and said, "Well, at least we know he's in a better place now." When I got home, my mom was still at work and it was just my dad and I. The police came to our house and when we walked outside the told me to go back in. I was worried that my dad was going to jail. He wasn't. He came in and told me after I questioned him that my brother, Aaron, was dead. He was ran over in front of the Hardy Boy's Store. I ran into my room crying and just drew untill my hands were sore-still crying. I can still hear my mother's wailing and wrecking in my head when I remember this day.


My dad only coped with sleeping almost 24/7 and my mom, well she hasn't worked another day since and keeps insisting that she knows everything about me. Me? I just do what my mother says. Like going to therapy and the "Warm Place". Warm Place is a childrens thing for kids that have lost someone close to them. THAT only helped me realize that there are other people kids out there that are like me. Every day I bottle up my sadness so that my friends and family suspect nothing. When I am sad, they worry too much. So I tried doing something about it, twice. Neither one worked because of people decided to help me right before I took the last step. Even though the greif camps are fun, it doesn't really help. Nothing does. It just gives me more things to do rather than other things I dare not think of.

My aunt died on December 4th of 2007, when I was 14. December 4th was Aaron's birthday and again, I cried. The whole family did. I was already depressed because of the date, but then I find out that my favorite Aunt is dead and the funeral is on my OTHER brother's birthday. I can hardly keep the hole in my chest closed up. I'm about to explode. But for some reason I can actually keep myself together. I just wish that death wasn't hovering over my shoulder. My parents are getting older every day and I know that my dad won't last for as much as I want him to. He's a smoking, diabetic, workaholic that is 58 years old. And my mom has diabetes and fiber mialgia. She's hurting herself every time I turn around (exageration) and I can't help but to worry about her too. She's 57 years old. My whole family is old compared to any other family. All my cousins and siblings are around 30 or are older and I can only wish that I die before any of them do. But then I stop those thoughts all together because I start thinking of the people that love me. It would hurt my parents too much to loose another child. I can hear my mother's wailing every time I think of suicide, so I try not to. And so I wait, for my natural death, being too overly concious of my surroundings for any accidents to occur. But I keep my upbeat attitude. What you see is a mask, that's all there is to it.

I haven't prayed a REAL prayer sinse the night of my brother's funeral. My self esteem lowers every day thanks to plastics-but it rises a little at least once a week from my guy friends giving me compliments on SOMETHING. My one and only big dog, Racu, died EXACTLY a year after my brother-he died of a heart attack and I envy you for actually BEING with your dog when he died. We don't even know where we buried him. We got more dogs, but they were all dauchounds. 2006 my dog, Nova, died by being ripped to shreds by neighborhood dogs that teamed up on him. My cat, Scrappy, died too. only cat I will ever love EVER. But the worst thing about it, is that it was m own father who killed her. He took her somewhere and did it without even telling me untill he got back. My Christianity level only rises when I listen to Christian rock music and it lowers when I go to church. Every single lesson makes me feel bad and gets me to actually think about my life and how it's going into the dark abiss more and more every day. I've been proclaimed crazy by the whole student body, and if they knew what I was like at home by myself, they would think that even more than they do now. I put on my mask in a shade of exuberated happiness that brings everyone around me joy. but me? I still live somewhere in the deep hole in my chest. Unknown is that hole to anyone else.

I've been swimming sinse before I was born (literaly-my mother had a LOT of water with me). I found out a little while back that my swimming was nothing compared to others. I smiled and acted envious of their tricks-like everyone else. But frankly I didn't really feel anything other than utter dissapointment in myself (more esteem drops) I enjoy playing tennis with my dad even though I know that I don't want to DO anything with that. I'd give anything to be skinny.
but sadly even though I've been starving myself for three days now-I've GAINED three pounds!!! Is that even possible for me to so, if I'm not even barely eating???? I think I'm gonna just drop food all together and just live on water for a whole day, see if that does anything for me. I'll do that tomorrow.
People think I'm emo in real life, which is probably true. But I don't want it to be a missunderstanding. I'm depressed, NOT emo. Again the mask concept comes into play. I ACT very well apparently. No one, not even my parents, suspect a thing.