Repost on Gaia of a rant I posted elsewhere. Who knows, someone might still read this old thing. xp
A few random thoughts :
- I've been busy lately, with an obvious time / priorities management problem. Some stress, a bit of procrastination, lack of time but the impression of doing nothing at the same time.
- I have tons of thing to do, most of which would be done really fast if I was more efficient. My apartment is an impossible mess - I got in my head to sort my papers, my books, my dvds, my clothes, EVERYTHING. I have official papers to fill for the upcoming semester, some parcels to send, a few things to fix and I have the impression of not having the time to see the people I want to see, to do the things I want to do...
- I have the feeling to be a bit on autopilot. Sometimes, people talk to me but I realize that I certainly listened, but zapped an essential word.
- All the events in my life, my trajectory, my point of view, explain that I'm extremely unresponsive to the male gender, even if my best friends, girls excluded, are, strangely, males I really trust completely, without ambiguity, which puzzles a lot of people. I just don't know how to behave. With my mix of distrust, lack of interest, worry to be misread, worry to be hurt also, quite simply.
- Lately, I've been hit on. Not the average guys in the street with their wonderful and so effective pickup lines (NOT!), but actual guys in my surrounding, who take their chance (with this naive girl totally oblivious to this kind of attention and whose friend have to tell her what's going on). And it puzzles me. Really. Because I find it, from my point of view, and surely because of what I wrote above, totally surreal. And the better part is, friends tell me it's normal. And the funnier part? When I'm interested in someone in my immediate vicinity, it doesn't show at all, they will even be sure of the opposite, because I'm so ill at ease that I tend to not talk / hide my interest / behave then the exact opposite of what would be needed. It happened to me recently again, and although I particularly wanted to bang my head against a wall from despair about myself, it doesn't change anything.
- But I'm good. It's a status I never cease to be amazed about, maybe because I'm conscious of what it can mean about me, compared to so many things that happened to me before or are still happening. The worry is still here, of course... At a point, surprising myself, I wondered if I was in love with someone. But, actually, no.
There, you have 6 unimportant tidbits about myself...
Under the blanket, I look at the sky as I wake up. The stars stuck on the ceiling as I fall asleep.
Don't want to go out.
Don't want to fight the outside.
People. Words. Harshness.
Life.
Leave me under, in the warmth, day dreaming. Don't want to get involved. Yet.
Nya-chan Community Member 
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