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Note to Self: STFU
Sometimes it's just hard to understand being human. Is it just me who has these erratically induced emotions?
Today I was having a pretty decent day. Go to work deal with my coworker, get out, eat dinner, sleep.
Is it wrong to want some kind of adventure in my life. I wish i could break free... be like what the hell, am I doing! I just want to live like there is no tomorrow just mess around and actually -live!
Love is overrated! I hate it ! I don't want to be tied down... but then i don't want to be alone. ******** man... Breaking hearts is what i do, cheating is my sick way of getting a bit of excitement in my boring life. I know it's wrong but it's exciting to get in trouble, its exciting to get away with the things i do. To be able to just ******** up s**t and make it look pretty. I don't know what i'm blabbing about currently .
I hate my scattered brain.. I hate my ability to push my problems aside and act like it was never a thing. I mean it comes in handy for stress but pushing s**t aside is just giving the problem an I.O.U. my attention latter card. ********!
Is it wrong for me to want attention... That's just a human necessity right? Love me please.... i just want all your attention without asking for it. Asking for it sound like im desperate ... and i only have so much pride for myself.
God just do what you want to me, I don't give a ********. As long as it hurts then at least i know i'm alive. right?
I mean i don't know how to love someone properly anyway... Cause this doesn't feel like love at least not that shitty looking love stories that you see in reality and on the tv...
Isn't love suppose to be like a gut feeling, a gut feeling that last a life time? I mean it's scientifically proven that love tends to die the longer you been together. Love is stupid irrational and defined in a ridiculously dumb way. I mean why does love = kids marriage and shity lovey dovey stuff...
Why does it have to be with one person your marrige life time. i mean isn't a organisms job to reproduce. Like oh i'm the smart one that impregnated you and now i shall have many offspring and they too shall be smart enough, strong enough to impregnate some one else and then we'll rule our species. I mean evolution works in a that way and may species survived that way.
So why is it that we have to be one with someone and then commit ourselves to that one person. everyone goes through that honeymoon phase in their relation ship and some just don't last after it.
Who the ******** am i trying to impress i'm just addicted to sex and I just don't want to be tied down to someone who the only reason i'm back togther with is because an a** hole came into my life and made me believe that I just ... I just couldn't be with out him.
After all I told him my secretes, my preference, my ideals, my cracks and bruises, my fears and sadness. why am i so conflicted....
Is it because it's the whole "oh he took my virginity" thing because if it is then i'm a ******** idiot.
God i just want everything to be silent...
I just want everything to go on without me...
Why can't i just spectate the world without a care or worry...
******** my scattered brain
******** my inability to figure out who i -am
******** Humans and their judgmental mentality
******** me hard so i'd forget
So that all the pain my mind is causing me goes away and all i can see and feel is you...
Please just let me feel alive
I'm not a robot whose hard-drive is full of ad-ware and viruses ...
I'm not your perfect asain daughter who can respect you and not my own self
I'm not your loyal lover, partner and girlfriend
Right now i'm just the dumb b***h who ruined her life by inverting herself and constantly bottles up her fears, sadness and stress till it shatters.
I don't want this mask anymore... but it's whats under the mask that scares me the most.
I don't want to unravel the bandages to reveal nothing...
or at least that's what i'm telling myself....
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