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Hn… got another writing assignment today from the big bosses. What’s more, ZF pitched in too and asked me to write a story with me and the crazy scientist man. Admittedly, this was a better job than the last one. Or not. I still wasn’t sure whether or not Pretz would puke on me or try to eat me or some other weird vore thing like that.

He’s into vore, I’m almost sure of it.

I called ahead to tell him I was coming and he told me he’d tidy up the place as much as possible. I dunno about you, but the message woulda come out a lot more reassuring and normal if I hadn’t heard an explosion before the guy hung up on me.

In case you still haven’t got an idea who I was interviewing, it was Stitches, the local crazy scientist on the block. Nice enough guy, but I’d never take a drink he offered if I were you. The little farmhouse he shared with his honey was within walking distance of my place, so I decided to head on over with my little tickler and pack of gum.

I noticed him out there, trying to get some yellow goat off what looked like a torn up pair of boxers. I could say the same thing about the guy though. From a distance, I gauged about five feet and eight to ten inches. Guy got dirty blond hair about shoulder length, all tied up to make a pretty messy ponytail. His pants were all scuffed up, just like his boots, which was typical of field work, but his lab coat told me that it was totally just a side job.

But his skin. That was creepy. He looked like some sort of patched up rag doll. His skin was all different, and you could see the stitches on each part. To be honest, it was a little disturbing.
”Yo!”

He waved at me from the field, one hand still clinging to the boxers stuck in that goat’s mouth. His crooked smile was a lot more human than the most of him, but I kinda felt like he wasn’t gonna strap me to a dissection table any time soon, so I came on over.

You’re Stitches?

”Er… Pretzels. Not too many people call me Stitches… though a couple do.”

What else do they call you?

”Eh. Freak. Nutjob. Crazy b*****d. You know the usual kind of names you get when you look like this.”

He seemed pretty secure about the way he looked. I had to give him that.

”I’m guessing you’re the interview guy. I suggest you get in there and wait for me. I think I’ll be a while.”

No arguments there. That goat really liked the taste of boxers. So I just hauled my a** into that little farmhouse he called home.

First thing that hit me was that the place was, despite his really scary looks, he made the house look pretty damn cozy. It was small, but someone sure made use of the space. It was well aired, things looked neat, and there wasn’t a single roach in sight.

”Like it? Nyu made it really cozy.”

I wasn’t surprised that he was behind me. They usually were.

”Sit down. I’ll get you some snacks.”

I was guessing the Nyu girl wasn’t home so I decided to listen to the guy and seat myself. But no eating. Not from him. He came back a few minutes later with a basket of bread and some fruit.

”Sorry. Guess I forgot to do the groceries again.”

Thought you lived off the land.

”The land’s been a b***h recently. Been attacked by shadows. Monsters. Gophers. All sorts of nasty critters.”

I simply nodded and looked him over once more. Upon closer inspection I saw his chipped spectacles, his messy ponytail, and the metallic glint on several spots on his open skin. A dirty farm boy scientist made out of mismatched skin grafts. This was going to be an interesting interview.

Tell me about yourself?

”Well… I don’t know my real name, if that’s what you’re asking, but yeah I already told you what my name is. I um… I’m eight years old an-“

Waitwaitwait… Eight?

This dude?

”Yeah. Eight. I’ll explain what happened later on. Ahem. So like I was saying, I’m ten years old and I currently live with my lovely fiance.”

Who is, I’m guessing, ten?

”Ha! No… course not. She’s six.”

You my friend-

”So anyway… I was born on… well I don’t really know that, actually. And if I had to pick a side between kawaii and unkawaii… I’d shoot myself.”

There is a neutral option.

”Ah, then that’s what I am. I’m neutral, and not just because both sides are psychotic in a completely and utterly sick way but… well actually, that’s pretty much the reason.”

I feel ya. I kinda had to interview one of them yesterday. So what are you into? Hobbies? Things?

”Me? Hm… Nyu… yeah, she probably tops the list. Actually she takes the first three slots… hm… after her would be science. Or alchemy. They’re similar in essence I guess. After that- wait, did I mention my dad and sister? Yeah, they’re also over science. I love to tinker. Make new things out of old crap. Oh, and my master. I guess he’s likeable… but mostly the projects I do. The usual things you’d expect from… well.”

I see. And yeah, guess we’d expect it from someone like you. Any dislikes?

”Ah… well I really shouldn’t name off too many people, should I? I’ll generalize and go with people who hunt my family members down. And I don’t like getting eaten… it sucks.”

People… eat you?

”Not people, animals… but yeah, I fall apart easy.”

I’m not touching the bread for sure now.

Right right… anything else notable?

”Hm… anything else? Yeah, I guess you could say that I hate being alone.”

Really? You struck me as the loner type first time I looked at you.

”Eh… I don’t like being alone. When I’m alone, the voices tend to talk to me.”