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Mysterious Reasons

Mysterious reasons.
For such strong feelings.
Why do I feel like this?
Everything that has happened,
Over the last four years
Isn't that enough?

Shouldn't that be my reason
My reason to obliterate my feelings
I tried to lock my heart away
I tried to fool myself
It's not working.

Driving me to the point of insanity
Insanity, would it really help?
Death, a better solution?
Could there really be some peace
For me after this life.

Question,
Why me?
What have I done
To deserve such punishment?
I shouldn't care.

I know I shouldn't,
But I just do.
I can't help it.
Something has been taken,
Taken from me.
A piece of me that I'll never get back.

Just help me.
I've done stupid things in the past.
I can't change them now,
But isn't it true you could change your future?
All I see right now is nothing for me.
There isn't anything here.

Not anymore.
I have a few friends, but they'll eventually branch off.
Then what?
How will I be able to cope alone?
Could I do it?
Could I do anything?

How can I say that I could,
When I can't even dismiss
These deep feelings I have
For someone who doesn't respect me.

Flight

Flying high,
Ever so high
Breaking from the cage
The cage of reality.
Where there are always
Those happy endings
Those that you hear of
When reading fairy tales.
Flight, endless possibilities
Endless answers.

Love


Love
Reality or Fantasy,
Does it truly exist
Or are they just empty words?
No true meaning, no true value
In the words
..I Love You

Carpe Diem

Seizing the day,
Taking chances
Not caring of the outcome
Living in the moment
What will happen
Will it go your way
Or fail
Who knows, who cares?
Carpe Diem

Shell

Binded in chains
Kept within this feeble shell.
Wanting, waiting to be free
Needing to get out,
Needing to be free
Out of this shell.

Had It Not Been For You

Had it not been for you
I would be alive
I wouldn’t feel like I was nothing,
A nobody, a failure.

Had it not been for you
Would I have realized anything,
Anything positive, eye-catching,
Better for me?

Would I have been in a restless battle
With myself?
Wanting your attention, needing your presence.
Would I refer to myself
As a hopeless romantic?

Had it not been for you,
You the one person, the one girl
That meant so much to me.
The one girl, I didn't want to piss off.
The girl whose opinion mattered most
The girl whose personality was so uplifting
Yet degrading at the same time to me.

I won’t…no
I can’t forget you,
I can’t pull you from my head,
I’ve tried really, I have.
You, the one person, I should forget about
And I can’t.

Why?
How?
Is this wrong?
Am I wrong?

What’s wrong with me?
Why couldn’t you give me a chance,
Just once chance is all,
All I ask for.

No you couldn’t
Could you?
When I saw you with that poor excuse for a guy,
The both of you walking down the hall
It disgusted me.

I would treat you like gold,
Be everything you could have ever wanted.
But no…

Am I not good enough?
Is that it?
Did I try too hard?
Was I too nice?
Not myself?

For Christ’s sake you were with him
Even if it was for a short while.
You were still with him
He’s like my family and all

But I can’t
I can’t help but to be jealous,
To envy him.
The guy who just doesn’t want to grow up.
The guys who screws up so much
And yet doesn’t try hard enough.

I’ll leave you now
Hopefully you realize in time
How good I was to you.
Can I leave?
Maybe.

Angry now
Over something so childish
Refusing to speak to me
It’s easier this way.

Am I an a** for saying that?
To have the person you care for so much,
Who I would do anything for,
Hate you
Makes it easier to move on?

Part of me
Wants to talk to you,
To be there for you
Whenever you need me
To be your ’knight-in-shining-armor’
To pay you back for saving me.

Then there is the other half
The half that wants to show you
What you missed.
To be the perfect
If not a ’hell-of-a-boyfriend’.

That part of me wants to reach,
Reach out and find someone
Someone who would take me,
For who I am;
Rather than for who I am not.
Someone who would like how I treat them
A person, a girl is all…

Had it not been for you,
I wouldn’t be
Who I am
Today.

Self Mutilation

He sits there in silence,
His fingers slowly progressing
Towards the only instrument of control.

The metal is cold within his grasp,
He blocks all sound out with his music,
Not wanting to be disturbed..
Not wanting to be heard..

The breaking of the skin
Sends waves of pain through his arm.
...Sends a sense of control through him.
He doesn't want to stop,
He likes control.

Soon more breaks in his skin,
Each one just a bit deeper
Each one just a bit meaningful.
Each one... Just assisting with ending it all.

He closes his eyes, his friends pass through his head.
Their reactions:
Their love for him.
Their anger towards him.
Their sorrow and guilt.

They feel that they could have helped.
"No one can help me..." his voice glides calmly yet cold.
"Nothing is going to get better."
His mind in a jumble,
His life, to him, ruined.

He stands at his bathroom mirror,
Eyes becoming blurry
He can feel himself sinking into the blackness.
"Goodbye..." he whispers, before falling
for the final time.

I can't deny it,
The pain..
The aches..
The regrets..
In this life, I don't care.
This isn't fair.
I'm waiting for it all to end,
Is it near?

Endless roads,
Paths shrouded in darkness.
The voices calling to me,
Beckoning for me to come..
Tempting me so, yet.
I want them to hear,
My pain
And my voice..

My spirit is calling out to you,
Wanting you near.
I want you close to me,
But can't have it yet.
The angel in darkness,
I've been called.
The phantom of night appears,
wanting my soul.

Take it, I'm yours.

Dreams


Chains...
(Why is it always chains?)
Driven through the palms of his hands.
(The hands of guilt)
Eyes bloodshot and sleepless
(Eyes that have seen too much)
His voice quiet and shaky
(A voice wanting to cry out)
Those he loves
(Those he cherishes)
Walking towards their deaths
(Deaths not meant for any)
The voice of another
(The voice of the devilish one)
Speaking in joy, in happiness
(Twisted joy and happiness)
His heart heavy
(Heavy with sorrow, guilt, pain)
Not wanting to bear anymore
(Just too much for him)
His body shaking
(Furious with the devilish one)
Words falling from his mouth
(Promises of pain, to the devilish one)
"Salvation...Yours doesn't look so good,"
(His mouth, now creeping into a smirk)
"Should have killed me when you had the chance."
(A hidden promise, seemingly impossible)
The chains broken
(A promise meant to be kept)

Shall Never Surrender

What is there left to fight for?
These feelings that drive me mad.
These thoughts that drive me insane.
I'd stand by your side for eternity,
If you want me to.

My friends can't help.
They can't tell me everything is going to be alright,
When it obviously won't.
Through one's strength, he can't make it alone.

Help!
I don't want to live in darkness any further.
Help me live.
Help me be happy.
Dreaming of Darkness?