Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

A long time ago, in a basement far, far away, there lay a young man, bored out of his mind. His life had been uneventful and full of fail since childhood, and he couldn’t help being emo. He had a breakthrough, that destroyed the emo fail within, and he knew he had a quest to complete.
He decided he needed a place to store his… “movies” and so, in the way a pope might do it, he said unto God, “God, maketh the internet.” And god said, “NO U.” So the young man took it unto himself to make the internet.
He traveled far and wide, to gather the eight pieces of the Triforce from the original Zelda game, going through many dungeons and obtaining the boomerang, the fairy slingshot which fails by the way, and the Master Sword for the trillionth time. He struck down Ganandorf, who would only rise again because Nintendo loves whoring out their franchises.
Er, wait. He actually traveled far and wide to learn the secrets that the world could show him, and upon learning these great and powerful secrets, he approached the Cake Maker, the holder of the knowledge of the secret identity of the internet. He challenged the Cake Maker, to learn the last secret needed to make the internet.
“You dare challenge me, you fool?!” The Cake Maker said.
“Yes, I dareth challenge you because I need to make the internet,” He replied.
“I will never tell you how to do it, unless you can reveal my secret! And you shall never do so, because it is the greatest secret evar.”
The young man thought long and hard on what this secret could be. So long that Portal was invented, and he played the game, then thought longer and harder until time machines were created, and he went back in time with his new found knowledge.
“Cake Maker!” He cried, “Your secret is obvious. It can only be that… The Cake is a LIE!” The Cake Maker fell back, mortally wounded.
“No, that’s impossible! You discovered my secret… But we had a deal, so the secret is that the internet isn’t a dump for stupid things… It is a series of tubes! Tubes that carry powerful information and ‘movies’ to everyone for their learning and entertainment.”
The young man realized the truth to this and went on a long journey, fighting wild Mudkips, memes, both weak and strong, and the guardian to Hell, Goatse, to climb Never Gonna Give You Up Mountain. The hermit of the mountain, Rick of Astley, led him to the top of the mountain to speak to God. And upon reaching the summit, he said to God, “You just lost the game!” And God cried out in frustration, full of fail, and gave the young man a super computer to create the internet.
The young man knew he had achieved the most epic win in the universe, and used the power to create the Internet, and at the dawn of the Age of Stupidity, when both win and fail were at there peaks, he crowned himself God of the Internet, and spread his corrupting influence to all humans. He used the ideas shown by Xenu, and instead of sending Thetans to every monkey on the planet to create humans, he sent pieces of his soul, to instill his control in all humanity. And from then on, he was forever known as Anonymous, and he never forgives, never forgets, and always delivers.