Josh ended it today...
He lied and said his little brother posted those messages...
For some reason, I dont' feel as bad anymore...
I hate Josh.
I know how Shadow felt now...when I lied and tricked and conned and broke his heart. What goes around comes around.
I got my closure. It still hurts...but it will heal. Now I am sure it will.
He seemed to think I actually thought everything would be find and perfect even though he lived thousands of miles away. What a moron. He thought he knew me and he thought wrong.
I hate to ponder...my true feelings come out and I say things I try to supress in fear of hurting someone. I'll whine about that later.
The chat that sealed my fate:
Bon Midaou : Uhm how bout NO i
havent been on Gaia in 2 days do
you not
Bon Midaou : understand?
Zakia : I dunno...
Bon Midaou : >_>
Zakia : I cried all day today
Bon Midaou : Why is that?
Zakia : I cut myself up so bad...I
contplated suicide stuff and
everything
Zakia : I didn't know what to
do...its like everything fell
apart...
Bon Midaou : Hmm
Bon Midaou : Foolish....
Zakia : So now this is my pathetic
attempt at calm and cool...
Zakia : Be happy you can't see me
shaking and tearing up on the other
end
Zakia : Foolish...teh,
whatever...you don't know how much
that hurt me
Bon Midaou : I didnt even know it
was there
Zakia : ::sigh::
Zakia : This isn't one of your
black out thigns is it?
Bon Midaou : No...I have not done
that in quite a long time
Zakia : After today I just dotn
wanna be fcked with anymore...just
want the tr
Zakia : th
Zakia : So I can close back up into
my little shell and say "fck it" to
the wo
Zakia : rld
Bon Midaou : You want the truth?
Zakia : Yes
Bon Midaou : Well open your eyes so
you can read ma'am
Bon Midaou : 1. I love you to
death
Bon Midaou : 2. Angelica never
died...bad s**t just happend
Bon Midaou : 3.My father is a
drunk
Bon Midaou : 4. I dont fight often
Bon Midaou : as a matter of fact
Bon Midaou : I am known as
Bon Midaou : The Gentle Giant
Bon Midaou : I do not put on a bad
a** visade at school
Bon Midaou : Yes there is a girl
named Jessica i am interested in
Bon Midaou : I never
Bon Midaou : took advantage of
nicci
Bon Midaou : I didnt manipulate
Bon Midaou : her
Bon Midaou : nor did i do the same
to you
Bon Midaou : I do have my
disoerders
Bon Midaou : but!
Bon Midaou : it was not ccaused
from angelica
Zakia : Well then what happened?
Bon Midaou : It was over years of
abuse and cigarettes being
Zakia : ...and why didn't you tell
me before?
Bon Midaou : put out on my neck
Bon Midaou : You did not need to
know
Zakia : Why not?
Bon Midaou : For my reasons that
are in my head and are not to be
shared
Zakia : Oh...ok....
Bon Midaou : No it was not to use
yuo
Zakia : Can I request to asked what
happened to Angelica?
Bon Midaou : it was not to
manipulate you
Bon Midaou : Well....
Bon Midaou : She did cheat on me
Bon Midaou : she is the reason why
i had to do juvy time
Zakia : ...why are you telling me
this all now?
Bon Midaou : Because...i feel it is
right now
Zakia : Not that I am complaining,
just curious
Zakia : How so?
Bon Midaou : Dont worry about it
Zakia : Ok
Bon Midaou : Just promise me one
thing
Zakia : Ask away
Bon Midaou : Stay alive...make
something of yourself..fall in love
with your dream
Bon Midaou : guy and marry him
Zakia : No
Bon Midaou : have a family and die
old next to the one you love
Zakia : I'm done with love
Zakia : I am done with guys
Bon Midaou : No you may say that
Zakia : I am done with being hurt
Bon Midaou : ...pathetic
person....
Bon Midaou : You do not know what
true love is you just understand
Zakia : Call me what you wish, I
quit caring.
Bon Midaou : the americanized
version
Zakia : I really wanted to love you
so bad Josh...I really though you
were "th
Zakia : e one"
Bon Midaou : No i am not
Zakia : Why aren't you?
Zakia : Because you lobe that other
girl?
Bon Midaou : That "The One" stuff
occurs once in a long time
Bon Midaou : No i do not
Bon Midaou : I dont fall in love
easily
Zakia : Neither do I
Zakia : Which is why I felt so
destined for you...
Zakia : But from everything I have
been told...I was wrong for ever
thinking
Bon Midaou : Poor decision
Courtney
Zakia : sucha thing was possible
Bon Midaou : It is possible its
just up to fate to let you know
about it
Zakia : About what?
Bon Midaou : I am sorry you and i
did not work out...i am not ment
for relationship
Bon Midaou : I am a fighter not a
lover...
Zakia : Yes you are...
Bon Midaou : Alls i know how to do
soo perfectly is to hurt others
Zakia : Your one hell of a lover
Josh and I love you...
Bon Midaou : TIs what i was born
here fdor
Zakia : Thats not true...
Zakia : I don't believe that
Zakia : I refuse to
Bon Midaou : You would be suprised
Bon Midaou : You do not know what
goes on here
Zakia : You made me happy, you
brought so much joy into my
life...
Zakia : I don't have to be there to
know what you did to me
Bon Midaou : Alls you know about me
is a world i created for you
Bon Midaou : to feel at home in
Zakia : I'm not giving up on you
without a fight...
Bon Midaou : A home that you can
feel safe with
Zakia : I didnt' cry my heart out
in school to just quit now...
Bon Midaou : I am not who you
think
Zakia : Well then let me know who
you really are then
Bon Midaou : I am someone
completely different
Zakia : Then let me know that
person
Bon Midaou : I cant do that
Zakia : I know I'll love him
regardless
Bon Midaou : No you wont....
Zakia : I will
Bon Midaou : ....
Zakia : These feelings I have for
you are way to strong to just say
w/e..
Bon Midaou : You are one stubborn
girl you know that?
Zakia : Not stubborn...I just
refuse to give up on the one thing
that kept me
Zakia : happy and feeling liek I
had a purpous
Bon Midaou : No that was a person i
created for you
Bon Midaou : because i felt your
hurt
Bon Midaou : i felt you die
Zakia : I always quit when things
get to hard...I wont quit noq
Bon Midaou : so i decided to make
you happy by analizing you
Bon Midaou : then creating your
dream guy
Bon Midaou : No i did not do that
to make myself feel better for
helping someone
Bon Midaou : I did that because i
wanted to help you
Zakia : And so now you are done
heling?
Bon Midaou : That is my story and
my purpose
Bon Midaou : Im just done with the
drama that came with helping you
Zakia : Its nto drama anymore...I
changed for the better
Bon Midaou : Thus severing
friendship and all
Bon Midaou : I do not belive that
Bon Midaou : I am sorry
Zakia : Why can't you believe
that?
Zakia : I really am trying...
Zakia : I think i am better...
Zakia : I wish...you would have
told me this sooner...
Zakia : Before I gave up on
everyone for you
Zakia : Especially since your just
a lie
Bon Midaou : I keep my mouth
shut....
Bon Midaou : I will talk no more
Zakia : Please talk more...
Bon Midaou : Goodbye Courtney
Zakia : Josh..
Zakia : Please don't
Zakia : Just answer me this...are
we no longer friends?
Bon Midaou : You live in Ohio and i
live in New Mexico...nothing can
happen
Bon Midaou : Dwell on that
Bon Midaou : Goodbye
Zakia: I hate you...I hope you rot in hell you selfish b1tch.
I hate him...so much.
God I wanted things to work out...I loved him as much as you could love a person you've never met...he said he was lieing, he was fake to fit my "dream guy".
So the truth...if this is one of his ******** up tests, I aint in the mood. Never again.
Chris is my dream guy. There is no boy that will ever rise above that standard taht Chris set. Chris is kind, and mean at times. Aggresive yet a sweetheart. He's a cook he likes comics, he's older than me and only a lil taller so its not akward. He's so humerous and happy, always uplifting my spirit. Chris has been there for me, thick and thin no matter what. Chris has never raised his voice at me or tried to strike me down, even when I have my fits which with his help are gone now. I owe so much to such a great person...who admited he wants to be with me too. redface
I'm sorry you felt in the past I forgot you Chris for the sake of Josh...he wasn't worth it...just forgive me and I'll scrub your feet to make up for it. xd
He acted like a royal jerk...like he was better than me. An arrogant fool, and I will relish in his downfall. I hope he falls so hard on his face they can't put it back togehter. For what Josh did to me...I hope he dies. I mean that with every bit of my soul. I hope his death is slow and painful.
Why?
For tricking me into believing we had a connection. For letting me waste 4milion zeny on him when he knew he didnt' love me. For lieing to me about everything(though I understand his reasons...so its not all that bad). Other things too....
In all and all, its my fault. You know...I honestly knew in the back of my head he was lieing to me but I refused to believe it...I wanted to bad for him to be "the one".
I'll find love someday. I'll find the greatest love in the world. I'll find a guy who means what he says to me.
...I dont' think Josh understands how much he ******** with my head. The first guy who I felt dove farther into my feelings and emotion and heart than anyone else ever has...and now for him to so convinetly say "Oh, I everythign I said was a lie now ******** off b***h I have better things to do." Grrr..... stressed
I want him to suffer so badly...I know its wrong to wish such a thing on a person, in my normal mind I would never do such a thing. But no one has ever betrayed me as Josh has, and for that he deserves to suffer.
A fake. A wannabe. A loser. A conartist.
I wished I wouldn't of believed him...
Teh, and like I didn't know that was him on that "lulu" girl account. He must think I'm some fool...loser stare
I love, I friggin die of laughter over how well people think they know me. Over how they think they have me figured out...and they don't have a clue. Chris does...as far as I know Chris has me pretty downpat. sweatdrop I dont' like someone knowing me so well...but unlike some people, I can trust Chris.
From what I have learned...Josh is trying so hard to be like Sann I wonder if he even has a personality anymore. He actually talked intelligent today. Oh, but wait! Thats his "true self"...teh, poser. xd
I see why Sann and his sibs are so annoyed now. 3nodding
God this closure feels so good. I feel an empty gap in my heart where he slaughtered it for his own selfish purpuouses.
His "trying to help me" which was just a ploy for him to feel better about himself. When will peeople realzie that. and for him, it wasn't only that...I gave him free stuff all the time, maybe mooching is what kept him around so long? He has my circlet and the arc wand given to me by a beloved and now deceased friend that I can never get back and that pisses me off to no ******** end....
Its my fault for giving. 3nodding Unlike him I can accept responcibility for my actions.
Ive hated only two...maybe three people my entire life. People I truely hate in my heart which is like the exact oppsite of the love in my heart. I hate Josh. I hate you for hurting me and then telling me to ******** off like a cheap slut. I guess thats all I was to you. I hope you die. I hope you hurt when you die. I mean that too. People like you shouldn't exist. People who live merely for the thrill of making another suffer.
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