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<center> Cracks in the Pavement
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I died today....
It ended the suffering of a long and painful death. Delived in one swift blow by a person I loved so much. It ended the crying, the questioning, the deperateness of the situation that I had gotten myself into.
People keep saying its "not my fault", well if it wasn't...if I did not contribute to the ultimate downfall then you tell me who the hell is to blame. You tell me after looking at my actions and responces and handling of things how this is not my fault. This is all my fault. This is what I deserve.
I quit. I lost every will I had to live. There is no longer a reason to do anything anymore. I quit trying in school. I quit trying at home. I quit caring. I quit feeling.
I have become...rather numb. I don't respond to speech. I don't give a person the pleasure of having me notice them. I've become absorbed into my own world, and I will be there a very long time.
I quit Ragnarok. I quit Gaia. I quit my websites.
My brother can have all my stuff.
My stomach hurts so bad. My eyes are sore from crying all day today. You should have seen today.
After the Career Center, I fell apart. I could see the peices of me falling onto the floor into a black pool of sorrow. I watched it happen. There is nothing I can do anymore.
I can't help myself. I can't help others. I can't do anything right to keep anyone happy. What's the point anymore? There is none. I am avoided by those I love, I am ignored by those I care for...I am deemed useless by everyone and everything. I just can't take it anymore.
I cut myself up so bad in school. I thought the ensueing adrenline would make me feel better, but it didn't. I sat in the pool of myself and cried, my last resort for just a breif moment of happiness failed me just as I have failed everyone else.
My friends from school keep calling me...school...
I called my mom from school, and told her I needed to go home. She asked why I did. I told her, sittin on the steps crying that Josh was through with me. She smacked her lips and said if I wanted to ditch school I would need a better excuse than that and hung up.
I sulkily walked to class where I saw Dee in the hall, I'm usually happy and chipper and her seeing me so down and red in the face made her stop me and ask what was wrong. I looked as if she wasn't even there...I couldnt see her...she shook me a few times and demanded to know what was wrong. I told her about what had caused this breakdown and by the end of it I was sobbing like a baby. She didnt' say anything for a few minutes, I just held myself and cried and nosy people walked past us. Dee told em to stop crying, I couldn't....She told me a few more times and I told her that I couldn't. She slapped me...and my face stung for a bit but I did stop crying. She said (and I quote), "Your cryin' over some ******** boy on da other side of tdacountry for what now? s**t, girl you can do better than that. You don't need no b***h a** who ******** with you like that, just---" I walked away when she said that. I think she called my name a few times...I dont' know, I didn't care.
It wasn't like that...Josh meant more to me than any person I've ever met before and I don't care how sad or pathetic it is to say that about a boy I never met. He wasn't a ******** or a b***h or an a**...I don't care what anyone says. He was so special. So diffrent. I guess I shouldnt type that here 'cause it may boost his ego...but that doesn't matter, as far as I'm concerned this is a suicide note.
Yes, another one. I think this is the third time too...
Its just...everything is falling apart and I no longer have the heart to peice it all back together.
Everything...everything like what? No particular order....
1. The Josh thing is #1, the trigger to this note. He said he wanted to be with me and stuff the day before yesterday and today he tells me he has another girl. I broke up with Izzy, been saying ******** it to the boys, and now I see I did it for a nobody. I just...really wanted things to get better. I listened to what he said, I was being very good and its like...for nothing. The only thing I had been sad about was not being able to talk to him. I see now he wouldnt' talk to me 'cause he had another girl...I just wished he woulda had the balls to tell me that in the first place.
2. The whole Chris questioning stuff has my mind boggled. Like stuff in the past he said we'd do he is questioning and that makes my heart ache so much. I love Chris so much...but it just seems he's lost faith in anything between us. Talking to him and then knowing of what was so very possible in the future gave me a bounce in my step and so much glee in my heart....he doesnt' see the same kinda stuff I thought we saw together and that hurts me to no end that its just been me...
3. This neighborhood is driving me crazy. I hate living here. I hate the violence, the screamng, the begging, the fear, the people, the culture...god, everything I hate here. I can't focus or concentrate for so many things that come with living in the bad projects...
4. My mom hates me.
5. My entire family hates me. I know, you think I'm blowing this out of proportion but its true. Rumors spread like wildfire with these ******** up people and I wonder how I am related to them at all...I'm nothing like my fmaily. I'm not loud and violent and prone to cause trouble (well, maybe that). I don't mean my immediate family.
6. School is so stressful. I keep trying to be happy and do my work and exceed expectations but its not working. I'm doing good...but I have no gratification in my work anymore.
7. Kevin hates me. I don't know what I did wrong but he doesn't talk to me anymore. Another key person care about is again, gone.
8. I hurt Izzy by breaking up with him for Josh who doesn't even want me. I hurt someone who cared for me so much and I feel like a stupid selfish b***h inside for doing that for the sake of another guy who just lied to me...
9. I can't find a job. I'm 17 and haven't worked a legal day in my life...
10. I hate myself for everything I have ever done to anyone.
Only reasons I can think of...like I said, I'm tiered from crying all day. Izzy will be outta town so I can't talk to him till Monday. I dont' have any other realiable, trustworthy friends to talk to...everyone is busy or can't make it. I wish I had someone to talk to now. Someone...anyone...
After all this entry...I thought I would feel better. I dont. I don't feel any better at all...just like I got some stuff off my chest. My heart still aches and I still want to die...I won't hurt myself or try to kill myself....I will try not to, atleast. I swear to god though if anything else happens I don't think I could take....I honestly don't. I'm not shittin or jsut sayin this 'cause of my mood...if one more bad thing happens I don't think I will be able to stop myself....
Travis told Mike abotu his friends uncle who shot his brains out last week. Instant death. I wonder how to make it instant...I keep thinking about when I die. I dont' want to be buried under ground...I don't want my dead body to be eatin by bugs and worms and other things I am terrified of. I don't wanna be cremated either, though...because I'm scared of fire.
I feel...so numb right now. All I can do is cry. So much hurt and pain and suffering.
...Josh, if you have a girlfriend please leave me alone. Please dont' talk to me anymore, please dont PM me or IM me or anything...don't read my journal anymore dont' comment, please...don't do anything. Just disappear. Thats all I ask of you. I know I PMed you, just ignore it. I sincerly do love you, Joshua Gutierrez....and I hope that your girlfriend brings you all the luck and happiness and joy I failed to. Be happy, thats all I ever wanted for you.
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Ok, after stating that I feel way better. 3nodding It's like with Shadow...this is going to be just like Shadow. =_= Ahmygawd...the situations are almost identical. gonk Maybe Josh was Shadow the entire time...who knows? ...who cares? cause if I do then it will just make me mroe depressed.
I'm done dating. I dont' want another boyfriend for a long time. I'm not goin back to Izzy or anyone else...I just wanna be left alone. Love hurts so much...this Josh stuff hurts worse that anything Greg ever did to me...I can't believe a person can hiurt to the extent I am...my digital photography teacher (who I though hated me) hugged me while I cried and said ti would be ok. She said they'res lots of other better boys out there, I dn't need to be upset of this one. 'course this is the one I want...but you can't always have what you want. She said this young heartbreak will prepare me for later on in life when the real bad thigns start to happen...she laughed and said, "But you dont' need to worry about that, you'll be married by then!". That made me smile, inside and out...
After everything I did to myself today...I forgot how hungry I was. gonk My tummy...well...I honestly feel nausated over the extreme depression and blood I saw today...but I'ma try to eat. sweatdrop
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