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I had another break down...

I fell to my knee's and cried like a baby. I screamed and punched my pillow in my fustration...I kicked the bottom wooden part of my bed on accident...I think my foot is broke or bruises or something like that...I have it proped onto my bed and now I can't move because it hurts when I do. I think if it were broek I wouldn't be able to move at all.

Jumi still hasn't got back to me...its not fair at all. Jumi said he has my back now and he disappears again. Of course now I'm off RO...my archer is almost level 40...Izzy will be so proud of me when he gets back.

Izzy...::sigh:: he doesnt' matter anymore. I think he has a new girlfriend...I think thats what his "buisness trip" is all about...he said buisness trip and also to see a friend in Boston...when I told him about the whole Josh thing he said "Dont' worry about it, we'll always be lovers". Not boyfriend and girlfriend...just a secret romance we aren't allowed (for various reasons) to act on. A lie...thats all I am to anyone anymore...

I hate Jumi for saying what he did...I am being so fake now...trying to be hard and act like I don't care, whereas I am dead inside...

Right now, I am numb again like I was on Friday. I quit feeling. Besides when I move my foot...thats more of a sensation of pain, though.

I just...I'm alone again. I lost everyone and everthing I have grown to love...I'm so scared to be alone...I mean, I have Chris of course...but Chris can't be here like last time I was alone...no...this time I am truely alone...I feel empty and hollow inside once again. Unwanted in this world...

My uncle and 13 year old cousin are downstairs. My cousin is pregnant, she's activly having sex.... My uncle wants me to give her a speech or something abotu grades and stuff in school and how she should be a "good girl" like me. Good girls can keep their boyfriends, good girls have people who love them, good girls don't piss off everyone...I am nothing good. I locked my door...I will not give my cousin a speech. I will not save my uncle from his responcbility as her father...My cousins mother is a crack whore who lives in Youngstown with her 6 other kids...I wish I could help my cousin, I really do...but I can't even help myself right now...

This is also the uncle who raped me when I was little...also a reason I wont' give the speech. I also think he has hurt my cousin like that too...I don't know, though, and I am to afraid to ask and throw my family into chaos. The whole rape thing that goes on is like a dark secret no one is allowed to know...I dont' even bother with my family anymore...they are so corrupt...

I wrote in my other journal. I wrote in it after the breakdown completed...

I think I will quit Choas server on RO...I have no one there. No trustworthy guild, no friends anymore...nothing. On Loki, my brother is there....he has like 20mil, he could set me up pretty well. Then again, Jumi only knows me on Chaos...so maybe I will not...

I dont' know...

I wonder why Josh doesn't want me so attached to him...I never minded the attachment...I never found it a bad thing...I should PM him on RO and ask all the questions fillin my head...but in my earlier fit of rage, yesterday when he told me to ******** off, I deleted him from al lmy friends list. I'm afraid to PM him and then have a repeat of yesterday occur....

I just dont' know...

I feel so cold and alone...

And now crying again, just a little this time...

Greg called today...he called last week too. Last week he called and told me his dad was in jail again and his step mom was out of town, he asked me if I wanted to come over and ******** since he had the house to himself and I could be as loud as I wanted to. I declined the offer politely, he called me a b***h and hung up. He kept calling back, saying how he knew I "missed the d**k", and all the new things he knew how to do. I still said no. I told him I had a new boyfriend now, and he needed to back off from me. Greg said so, and then mentioned how he was the only one who knew how to make me orgasm (for the children reading here...). I'm so disappointed in what Greg has become. He used to be such an intellectual, and now I am sorry I ever met him. He called today with the same offer of sex, I declined once again. He hung up, calling me a b***h. Today was like a repeat. Except today I let him go on talking...I was in my own world anyway...

I found that place again. That secret place I went to in my mind before. Where everything is silent and happy. Except this time...I can't get out. I'm trapped in there, in a forced sleep struggling so hard to awaken...

I need to find a guild on RO...I want to WOE so badly...I miss WOEing. I want a serious WOE guild...I have to be level 75+ to get into one, though...my strongest character is 70 and I can never find a party to level with...

...******** moved my foot again and I bit back the scream of pain...bit so hard I think I cut my lip. Oh well.

I wish I knew where the GBASP charger was...I wanna blast my music and play Tetris till I fall asleep...

I keep thinkign of sleep...

I want to fall alseep and never wake up...death seems so much more welcoming and kind than this life I live. Than these people I know. Than this world I live in.

I take my leave, back to RO to level Mel...good bye.

Update: Sunday, April 17, 2005 12:31 am
My cousin is staying the night here...damn my uncle is persistant. He doesnt' seem to realize I am too. I dont' like my cousin around my sisters. I hate to say it...but my cousin is a slut, and a bad influence on my sisters. She's mean, ignorant, and 12x's more the b***h I am even on my bitchest days. My cousin loves me though xd whenever I see her she's asking what I'm doing and how I am and does my bidding. 3nodding

I limped to the shower...my foot still hurts like hell, but I had to wash my hair. 3nodding I hate my hair....its not like white peoples hair or black peoples...I can't wash it everyday, I gotta wash it 1-2times a week or else it gets dried out and unmanageble. sad

I feel a little better...I'm going to make another job and base on Mel then I will sleep. Tommrow morning I'm driving again.

My stomach hurts. I feel sick, still. But I'm not as depressed...

In the shower, to forget the pain I thought about past memories.

I remember back when we lived in Westerville, in Cooper Colony, when my baby brother almost died. This was 3 or 4 years ago...my mom was at work and my sisters were at my grandmothers house for the day. Just me, my little brother Todd and my baby brother KJ were home. It was early in the day...like 10 or 11 am, I was in the shower...I had just gotten out, and I was brushing and conditioning my hair. Suddenly I heard Todd scream "Courtney help!" it came outta nowhere...and for a moment my heart just stoped. I got this sickening flash of fear, and it was like my body couldn't move. Todd screamed for me again, this time adding "KJ can't breath!!!!" I ran outta the bathroom, in only my underware and a teeshirt...into my moms room which was right next to the bathroom. I ran in and saw little KJ (he was so small back then) on the bed chocking. Todd was crying, saying KJ swallowed a penny and he couldnt' get him to get it back out. I ran over and immediatly began patting KJ in the back, flipping him onto my lap face down and he cried and gasped for air. I commanded Todd to get the phone and call mom and he, for once, did what he was told. He called mom screaming frantically what happened as I continued to pat KJs back, hard, encouraging him to spit the penny out. I was so scared...I didnt' know what to do...all I remember are those pictures from the 80's on the wall in the nurses office back when we lived in Youngstown. I never bothered to read the text that came with the pictures, I jus remember what the woman was doing to the dummy baby. I screamed to Todd it wasn't working and to hang up and call 911...mom didnt' know what was going on because Todd wasn't talking right. I was so scared little KJ was going to die in my lap and it would be all my fault because I didnt' read the damn text in the nurses office. I'd have to hold his dead body while the amblance took us away...my mom owuld be in trouble for leaving an untrained (and to young) person incare of an infant child...KJ then made this...loud, unhuman sound and I looked onto the floor where the penny lodged out. KJ took a loud gasp of air and then began to scream so loud and jumped out of my lap, squeezing me so hard and crying. I had to of been patting his back for atleast 3 mintues or so...he was even a slightly diffrent color...I hugged him and stroked his back, telling him how proud I was he spit out the penny and scolding him never to do it again. I took the phone from Todd who sat on the floor stunned and then explained what happened to mom, who congradulated me on my performance and promised me a reward when I got home. She asked to talk to KJ who was still crying, she calmed him down and I went to finish my hair. I was proud of me, through it all I didn't cry once.

Being in the shower sometimes reminds me of that incident. I'm proud of me, I was so strong and I saved his life without any knowledge of how to do that myself...jsut flashs of the pictures in my head and the determination for him to live.

Idon't feel so depressed now...did I already say that? I dunno...

People, please stop PMing me with comments to my entries. I know it says 2000 characters or more won't fit here but god damn...DO NOT PM COMMENTS TO ME.

Off to RO, then to sleep. Good night.

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