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The world according to an ADD mind
Instead of updating this like a dairy, I'll comment on different things every day.
Tori
A little girl ran through the woods, low branches whipping at her slim form. Her blue eyes were puffy from crying and she could barely see where she ran. That didn’t matter to her, though, she just wanted to get away, and for good reason. She was running for her life. Her blonde hair swirled behind her, bouncing.

Behind her were large, brutish men. None of them seemed to have washed for the past few years, and the girl could smell their rancid odor. Their clothes were no better, covered in so much filth they were a strange green-brown color. All of the ones chasing her had green eyes and white hair: A family of raiders, possibly from a small town. Then again, the girl never noticed these things, she was too busy running from their rusty blades. Blades she had seen take lives.

The girl had loved playing in these woods with her brother, she knew them almost as well as her home. The men were fast, but they did not know the area. Where she ran and jumped, they tripped and stumbled. It wasn’t long before she had hidden herself in a cave. She huddled into a dark corner, whimpering and sobbing as quietly as she could.

Her home of ten years was burning. The bodies of her parents were still inside. She didn’t know where in the world her only brother was, she only hoped he was still alive. And that she would see dawn tomorrow. Anything more than that was beyond her dreams now, although she knew she wouldn’t be having dreams for a long time.

She cried herself into sleep, and nightmares of blood and fire.

* * *

The cave was not uninhabited. She awoke to warmth, and light. On reflex, she huddled close to it, warming herself against the cold. She looked into the fire and beyond, as the memories of last night washed over her. She began to sob again, hiccupping and shaking. Then she saw something on the other side of the fire. A man dressed in black clothes. Her eyes wandered up his body. The man was slimly built and tall, his hands calloused from either work or fights. He was well washed, his clothing undirtied, his white hair-

The girl yelped and shuffled away, whimpering and waving her arms. The man didn’t move, watching her impassively. With blue, knowing eyes. She slowly calmed, huddling into a ball. The man knew better than to say anything and stood up, walking outside the cave.

When he came back, he carried a rock platter covered with meat. It looked like rabbit. He also had a pouch full of water. Gently, he set them down before her.

“Eat and drink. You have ran a lot, and lost a lot.” he said softly. As soon as sound emerged from his lips, she lost all thought of the crazy-eyed raiders and pulled the platter towards her, inspecting it while the man watched. Then, tentatively, she took a bite. As if that had opened the dam, she began shoveling the food down, spitting out bones and drinking deeply from the waterskin. When she finished, she sat back. “Much better.” he said quietly. “My name is Tori. And you… are very lucky. Do you feel like talking?” the girl shook her head in negation. “Understandable. I’ll just call you Lucky for now, until you object.” he sighed, running his hands through his hair.

The cave wasn’t that tiny, but it wasn’t that large, either. The fire had shown what she hadn’t noticed before: The cave had bits of flint in the walls and veins of white quartz running through it. The walls seemed to shimmer a little. “You live in a pretty backwater area.” Tori said, breaking her reverie and causing her to look at him again. “No law enforcement… and the nearest town is days away. The nearest chapel even further.” he paced the cave as he spoke. “bandits roam the woods, and aside from that, there’s enough wildlife to make me worry all on its own. Not only that, you’re not exactly the most fit person on the planet…”

She glared at him. “Okay, you did escape the raiders. I’ll give you that. But that must mean you know the area, right?” Lucky blinked, she wasn’t used to being counted on. “Well?” she slowly nodded. “Good. Then we can cut right through the woods-” Lucky shook her head hard. “Why?”

The little girl put her hands together as if praying, then slowly parted them, holding them apart. “Oh, a chasm. I see.” she nodded. “Well, you lead the way, once we get going.” he sat across from her, cross-legged. She looked at him in doubt. “We can’t very well stay here, can we? Don’t you want a bed?”

She looked quietly at the floor. It had been tradition in the family to leave home after you’d been around for sixteen snows. She had lasted eleven so far. What would Father say to this, her running off with this strange man? He’d…

At memories of her father, she began to cry again, knowing she’d never hear his deep, rumbling voice or be able to hug his soft belly. She’d never eat those big animals he brought home, or wear the handmade skins of the same beasts. It was all gone to her.

Tori didn’t move, looking away. He knew that she’d come to him when she needed him to help her get through it. Lucky and himself had a great deal in common, although she didn’t know it.

* * *

Tori followed Lucky as she climbed over yet another woody blockade in the river. His clothing was sodden, he was wet and cold. But he felt good. No raider would follow them here, and the water was warm to the bitter cold of the air. As the sat on a log and rested, her legs swinging back and forth, He slicked back his hair and looked over at her. “You know these woods really well.” he said, she merely nodded in reply, looking into the water. He’d hit a soft spot and mentally chastised himself. “How long until we make it to the main roads?” he asked. The little girl put a finger to her chin, deep in thought. She held up five fingers. “Five hours?” she smiled and nodded. Tori smiled back, happy that she had finally managed to smile.

It had been so long since he was her age. So young, so innocent, and so… free. Adulthood had sheared off a chunk of his self, and he missed it. “Five hours… Well, we’d best get going.” he slipped off the log and into the water. Lucky jumped into the water, smiling as Tori blew some newly-slicked hair from his face.

Little did the two know that the raiders were not the only things that hunted in the forest. A raider, standing on one of the cliffs next to the river’s shore, looked throught the bushes, breathing slowly. His gunk-encrusted clothing provided him excellent camouflage, and he was downwind of them. His red eyes surveyed the river and its winding path. He grinned a jagged-toothed smile and began to go home.






User Comments: [2] [add]
TheBurlesqueQueen
Community Member
avatar
commentCommented on: Sun Aug 26, 2007 @ 06:03am
This would make a very good opening chapter. You open with something engaging and interesting to draw the reader in, and lower the amount of suspense when you have their undivided attention. The acute details you have in here will aggravate someone enough to keep reading, simply to figure out what in gods' names is going on. Your sentence structure is also varying enough to keep you from falling into a rut.

You've improved. Nice work.


commentCommented on: Sun Sep 02, 2007 @ 05:34am
Your writing is amazing love. I want to see more of this.



Twin Rabbit Demon
Community Member
User Comments: [2] [add]
 
 
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