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I am not sure if this post is going to be more of a vent or just a long overdue realization. Anyway, i am finding that i really want, more than anything else, the company of a man. I see a lot of people as couples and it makes think how nice it would be to have one of my own. I don't want just any man, i want someone who actually likes me for who i am and cares for me back. Even my subconsious is teasing me with images and feelings of being with someone. I would say my main thing of wanting the males company is so i could cuddle them to death and yes i admit i am a cuddle freak. I am not the only one, so far i know one of my friends admited that he was one too. Speaking of which, this friend of mine, is the first one that i wanted to be with; i found that everything about him was perfect in my eyes. His phsical and his mental features made me like him more and more. I swear i have tried everything i could think of to get him, even asking him directly and he still won't go for it. His close friends have given him so many opportunities to hook up with girls, even his close female friends but nothing seems to strike him and confunds the heck out of me and everyone else who knows him well. I treat him now as a really close friend and i make sly moves here and there, he does not even notice, and i get my small happy moments with him and that his what i have to live with. I am not complaining but he just needs to take that tiny step in what ever direction his heart needs to be.

Back to the wanting someone, especially with my previous rant about not fitting in this world, it is rare when i find a guy who likes my few qualities and they themselves are unique in a few ways that most general men of the world lack seriously. most guys of the world today, and yes i am grouping them together, the group are just shallow, stupid pigs who only go for the general group of girls today; the skinnny beautiful long legs and big boobs that dont mind a different bed each night.

On a side note; i had a man, a real god to honest man who was ready to start a life with me but i had to turn him down cuz we live an ocean apart. If i had not already got my future laid out in front of me, i would have joined him and then laid out a different future with him in it over there.

You know it prolly does not help that i am a hopeless romantic and i listen to all the right songs that remind me of the great times in my life and then i associate the two together and it makes my heart want more...... sad