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For the past few days now i have been in a really bad funk that i just can't seem to get over no matter what i do. Its not me exactly but it's my heart, it hurts all the time now and keeps giving my brain silly ideas about guys that i would not call desparate just yet, just very inviting.

I keep thinking of past relationships that i had and all the great moments that i experianced and it seems my heart wants all those again. Well i can't exactly give it those again, espeically since they were with guys who left or just wanted to remain friends.
Every time i interact with guys i know from class or elsewhere a silly thought rushes up and makes me get my hopes up about the guy liking me and i have to pass it up cuz i hardly even know the guys i think about and know. There is one exeption of what i just said, i have this friend that i am just too scared of losing if i were to make a move or anything so i keep holding back just enough so he does not catch on. But yet, this guy is still a huge mystery to me and i guess that's what intrigues me the most about him and i am still facinated and amazed about every aspect of him. I would rather keep him as a friend than lose him trying to make a fool of myself confessing my love for him. I tried going for his friend but i found that i was not desparate enough to put up with him and his ways.

Just recently, i have noticed when i am looking at any sort of media with a guy involved i find that they are extremly attractive, more so than before, and then i become more sad knowing they are only eye candy. Even my drawings of me or others have not helped in the slightest, no matter how good they look, i guess i would say i am only teasing myself with dreams or day dreams that i came with. And with the dreams; it seems that while i am having it, the feelings are just immence and great and makes me feel wonderful and then i wake up and the feelings melt slow and hard like the dream. It teases me even more than my own made up daydreams, cuz i can't imagine the type of feelings i would feel in certain situations as my subconsious and my heart combined while i sleep.

I have also been put into more of a funk today by a really good guy friend who made me feel even more self consious about my face shape and body when he said the wrong word when he saw pictures of me of recent events. Even people who i thought i could trust are slowly turning against me, againi remind one about my not fitting in with today's world. Its like no matter who i come in contact with, i always manage to mess something up whether it was accidental or just me trying to be me.

i hate what the world has become... emo