I've been trying so hard to write one of these...I'm sure it would calm me down. I've just been so ******** tired lately and it feels like my health has been going through loop-de-loops as I try and figure out what the hell it is that's got me in such a snag.
I finally got Eclipse, and what a relief. I was in need of knowing I wasn't the only girl wondering when the ******** it was going to end. Granted I don't have a massive group of vampires trying to kill me. So I really have no right to be as stressed as she is, but when has that ever stopped me?
My friend Matt moved to Florida....I used to think I'd celebrate the day he left. He's a brazilian kid, kinda slow on the uptake, and used to annoy me in every way possible. I just wanted him to leave me the ******** alone. But...as time passed and things in my life went to hell and I started cutting....he was there for me. I always assumed he never knew what I was going through. How could he? I can still remember once freshman yearl, I was curled up in the art room, trying my best not to cry....wishing desperately that I were brave enough to just take those damn scissors in front of me and slice my wrist right open. Gary and I were in some stupid fight about John. He was so sure I was so unhappy that I wasn't with him, and that all I thought about was John. (He was always so protective of my smile....looking
Looking back on it I suppose he was right. I was jealous of him for his freedom, and for the fact that even then I wondered what it would be like to date him...but that's not the point of this tale. Matt came over to me and hugged me and we continued our art project, he stayed close to my ear and he asked me if I hurt myself, that he'd seen scars on me and that he was worried. I wanted to scream at him for thinking so lowly of me, but I stuck to my lie, I didn't cut. I'd never harmed myself, never considered it. Gary must have heard me, because I saw the look in his eyes that just made me feel lower than dirt. At one point in time he'd been the only one I told...the only person I trusted. He'd been the only guy I'd allowed within arms reach of me after Lucas, and he hated it when I lied to any one else I let even remotely close. But how could I trust that Matt would understand.
He hurt himself too. He was just as suicidal as I was. And for all I know he still is.
He left.
I remember the goodbye after my 7th period French class. He embraced me, with a look in his eyes that just pleaded with me to tell him the truth. He kissed my cheek, and then he was gone. Like it never happend. I can't believe I let him walk away without ever telling him the truth...without ever letting him in. He comforted me so many times....even when John and I were fighting, he held me together with his foolish jokes and that stupid grin of his that made me wonder why I couldn't smile like that when things were going bad.
But now he's in Florida...and he'll never know.
On the subject of Lucas......HE'S A ******** b*****d
He still has that stupid scarf I made him. YOU'RE SUPPOSE TO ******** GET RID OF CRAP LIKE THAT!
...there
all better.
I donno
I have so much to think on...
 Evelie Harte · Fri Feb 29, 2008 @ 03:29am · 1 Comments |
