~~*Peace and Love*~~
So, writing for me is therapeutic, and often so is reading but right now I feel as though I am amidst an emotional and situational storm that I can't easily take my mind off of.
I don't know what quite constitutes such a storm, but I feel it, and sometimes that feeling so powerful that it overwhelms the logical or the sensible. Sometimes the sense of my own failure is great enough that I can't accept that there is no requisite reason for feeling the way I do. Some of the few problems I observe is just how I hate my sister. Yeah, it sounds bitchy, but honestly she, my ex, and my family all have the ability to really hit home and push my buttons. I have so much emotional attachment to these people that they can pretty much break me down at any moment. Right now I'm upset that she pretty much stole my best friend from me. We never do anything any more, and my sister ignores people just like my friend does. I guess with two people that I'm close to, it's easy just to hate them both and hate my sister for being a selfish c**t (in general). I wish they'd both die from drug abuse.
I hate being controlled, and right now I feel out of control. I don't control where I am and when. Gas prices are so high that I can't be free like I used to, and moving away from home has removed me from all of my old jobs and comforts. I don't know how to deal with having so much torn away from me. Nobody on here would understand what I mean by that or why, so that's why I'm sparing the details until maybe later when I have the emotional energy and maybe somebody that I trust to read it. I doubt I'll have either. I feel drained and all alone. I don't know where to go or what to do.
I can't enjoy my life with so much missing from it, and I can't keep trying to replace what is lost with crappy people who don't care about me and want to tell me how to live my life. That's one thing I've got made up in my mind -- I'm gonna live however the ******** I want. I'm going to be the horrible queer that conservative society is afraid of. Right now, I don't know where to go or how to get there, I just know I'm out of control.
