"The Great Smoke Off"
Now in the laid back California town of sunny San Rafael,
lived a girl named Pearly Sweetcake. You prob'ly knew her well.
She'd was stoned fifteen of her eighteen years and her story was widely told
that she could smoke 'em faster than anyone could roll.
Well her legend finally reached New York, that Grove Street walk-up flat,
where dwelt The Calistoga Kid, a beatnik from the past.
He'd been rollin' dope since time began.
Now he took a cultured toke and said,
"Jim, I can roll 'em faster than any chick can smoke."
So a note gets sent to San Rafael for the championship of the world.
The kid demands a smoke off! "Well, bring him on!" says Pearl,
"I'll grind his fingers off his hands, he'll roll until he drops!"
Says Calistoga, "I'll smoke that chick 'til she blows up and pops!"
So they rent out Yankee Stadium and the word is quickly spread,
"Come one, come all, who walk or crawl", tickets just two bits a head
And from every town and hamlet, over land and sea they speed
The world's greatest dopers, with the world's greatest weed.
Hashishers from Morocco, hemp smokers from Peru
And the Shashnicks from Bagun who smoke the deadly Pugaroo
And those who call it Light of Life and those that call it Boo.
See the dealers and their ladies wearing turquoise, lace, and leather.
See the narcos and the closet smokers puffin' all together.
From the teenies who smoke legal, to the ones who've done some time,
to the old man who smoked reefer back before it was a crime.
And the grand old house that Ruth built is filled with the smoke and cries
Of fifty thousand screaming heads all stoned out of their minds.
And they play the national anthem and the crowd lets out a roar,
As the spotlight hits The Kid and Pearl, ready for their smokin' war
At a table piled high with grass, as high as a mountain peak
Just tops and buds of the rarest flowers, not one stem, branch or seed.
I mean a Maui Wowie, Panama Red, Acapulco Gold.
Keef from East Afghanistan and that rare Alaska Cold.
and there's sticks from Thailand, ganj from the Islands, and Bangkok's bloomin' best.
And some of that wet imported s**t that capsized off Key West.
Theres Oaxacan tops and Kenya Bhang and Riviera Fleurs.
And that rare Manhattan Silver that grows down the New York sewers.
And there's bubblin' ice cold lemonade and sweet grapes by the bunches.
And there's Hershey's bars, and Oreos, in case anybody gets the munchies.
And the Calistoga Kid, he smiles, and Pearly, she just grins.
And the drums roll low and the crowd yells " GO! GO! GO!"
and the world's first smoke off begins.
Well the kid he flicks his fingers once and ZAP! that first joint's rolled.
Pearl takes one toke with her famous lungs and WOOSH! that roach is cold.
Then The Kid he rolls his Super Bomb that would paralyze a moose.
And Pearl takes one mighty hit. That bomb' defused!
Then he rolls three in just ten seconds and she smokes 'em up in nine,
And everybody sits back and says, "This just might take some time."
See the blur of flyin' fingers, see the red coal burnin' bright
As the night turns into mornin' and the mornin' fades to night
And the autumn turns to summer and a whole damn year is gone
and the two still sit on that roach-filled stage, smokin' and rollin' on
With tremblin' hands he rolls his J's with fingers blue and stiff.
She coughs and stares with bloodshot gaze, and puffs through blistered lips.
And as she reaches out her hand for another stick of gold
The kid he gasps, "damnit, b***h, there's nothin' left to roll!"
"Nothin' left to roll?", screams Pearl, "Is this some twisted joke?
I didn't come here to ******** around, man, I come here to SMOKE!"
And she reaches 'cross the table and grabs his bony sleeves
And crumbles his body between her hands like dried and brittle leaves
Flickin' out his teeth and bones like useless stems and seeds
And then she rolls him in a Zig Zag and lights him like a roach.
And the fastest man with the fastest hands goes up in a puff of smoke.
In the laid-back California town of sunny San Rafael,
Lives a girl named Pearly Sweetcake, you prob'ly know her well.
She's been stoned twenty-one of her twenty-four years, and her story is still widely told how she still can smoke 'em faster than any dude can roll.
While off in New York City on a street that has no name.
There's the hands of the Calistoga Kid in the Viper Hall of Fame
And underneath his fingers there's a little golden scroll
That says,
"Beware of Bein' the Roller When There's Nothin' Left to Roll."
~Shel Silverstein~
Dr J Livingston Community Member 
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