How long has it been since I honestly ranted? A while I imagine. You see I've been taking all of this out lately on a good friend of mine. Joseph. He puts up with everything from me. John makes one wrong move that sends me into tears and he's the first person I go to. Why? Because I was scared to put it here, thinking he'd read it and hate me for it. And then I remembered this is the same guy who read through my suicide rants and still wanted to date me. So it's been rather silly of me....running and bothering Joseph as I do. And he's always so wonderful about it.
*sighs quietly* More and more lately...I've been having such a terribly difficult time keeping a smile on. I've found I get frustrated with others more easily and...it's more than that.
A phantom itch in a way....except it's one I could scratch this particular itch with a razor...no. There's no need to get overly complex over this matter, anything would really do. Anything at all so long as it would draw even the tiniest bit of blood.
But I can't. I know I can't. Because if I started again no one in the world could get me to stop. I would find a way to get that fix. And it was so hard to stop the first time, near impossible. I wish I could say it was because of John that I stopped. And in part he was a big part of the reason...him and the guilt. But...I was scared.
Nevermind all of that.
I can't remember the last time I cried. Honestly. It only started bugging me a week or so ago...I don't know...Joseph might know and I'd ask him but he's at work or something at the moment. But now it's really starting to bother me that I haven't cried. I mean...I've been pushed to my known limits lately...I mean come on...I was cold to Joseph (though he'll argue I wasn't sweatdrop ). I just...don't do cold. Not with him. And besides....I didn't get into show choir (I know...what a terrible horrible shock that I didn't get into something that involves having a strong voice.)
You think I would have learned my lesson by now. My voice is timid. It hates to speak and it can't stand to be in front of people. But no. I had to go and be brave...and what do I have to show for it. NOTHING. I have free time on Tuesdays. That's all. And now...here's my next brilliant idea. A poetry contest. Everyone's always telling me that I'm such a good writer...a great writer. First of all...the word great involves NATURAL TALENT. I don't have natural talent for anything.
I've had more and more people...friends in a way tell me that they'd buy my book the moment it got published. Would someone kindly explain to me why? Plus they're making the assumption I ever would get published. I know where I'm getting myself with all my foolish dreams of magic and of prince charming. I'm going to end up a housewife in an unhappy marriage, I'm certain of it.
And there's so much I want to do before I go and get myself married.
1. I'm going to meet Rowan...my dear friend from Australia. Without him I would have never fallen in love again. After everything with Lucas I swore men off...and he showed me what a man could be if they tried. He's always kind and gentle with me, always wishing more time. So I want to visit him.
2. Joseph....I have things I want to learn. And that's all I'm going to say.
3. I want to live in the woods.
There were a few other things that I can't think up
And my thoughts really are trailing all over the place so I'm going to leave it at this and maybe try again later or tomorrow.
Thank you for reading.
 Evelie Harte · Thu Oct 02, 2008 @ 01:57am · 1 Comments |
