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Had the fun of nearly having a heart attack today. Kira, Opal's gonna kill me one day. She was so upset at snack today. I feel horrible not being able to do anything but hold her and just keep repeating the same old lines. I can't think of anyway to make her feel better. If I could take the pain from her, if I could just absorb all those horrible feelings, I'd happily suffer through them instead of letting her. I hate to see her cry, especially when I might be the cause.

I was on the border line of hysteria at lunch today when I couldn't find her. I was nearly sprinting around school asking everyone if they'd seen her. No one had. When I found her, I was near tears I was so relieved. I just hugged her for a second, fighting back tears. She's just been so depressed lately that whenever I don't know where she is, I start to worry that she's crying in a corner by herself somewhere, a part of her wanting desperately to be left along and the other half wishing someone would notice she's missing and care enough to come looking for her. What sucks is that I know it's not me she's hoping comes looking for her. She hopes Pyrite gets worried and I won't deny that it hurts knowing he means something to her that I'll never mean, no matter how much I want to.

There's a part of my that's being logical about being in love with her. I'm labeling her the Obsidian half (aka, the non-crazy half). Obsidian's being intelligent about this, pointing out that there's nothing I can change about how Opal sees me and that if I truely love her (like I know I do) then I'll let her go and let her be happy with someone else. After all, isn't that how you really know if you love someone? If, even if it kills you, you'd rather they'd be happy with someone else so long as they're happy? Then Callow kicks in and she's like "uh, no. Come on! You love her. Go after her!" and it is rather tempting, but she really adores Pyrite and right now there's no room for me. I've accepted that and I'm getting closer to accepting the fact that there may never be room for me in her heart, not in the space I want to occupy.

But that's not to say I won't look after her and protect her and love her like a sister like I always have. I always do whatever I have to to keep that gorgeous smile on her face and I'll be whatever she needs me to be. And if it turns out that it was the fact that I love her that broke her and Pyrite about, then I'll play the part of the villain and accept those cold stares from her that she'll send at me even if she doesn't mean to because if she wants to hate me, then I'll take it. I'll be what she needs me to be. Whatever keeps her happy. If I did cause her and Pyrite to break up, I'm sorrier then I could ever fully express. I'd never, ever mean to cause her the pain I've seen on her face or felt when she's shaking from the tears in my arms. I'd never mean to cause her that much suffering and I'm so, so sorry if even my presence caused it.

She's such an amazing girl, more then she gives herself credit for. She's beautiful and smart and sweet and positively adorable in everything she says. I even love her shyness, her ability to make people feel more relaxed around her. The way people can just talk to her without feeling intimidated. She's so amazing. She really deserves better then this and better then this world could ever give her. I guess that's just the way of the world sometimes. The people who really deserve the best never seem to get it.