There was this quote I saw one time... It is as follows, "I enjoy walking in the rain because no one can see me crying." I wish I knew if that were true... Sometimes I try to walk out in the rain... I never make it far... the furthest I have gone is around an apartment building (just one of the little sections inside the complex) and that was with a group of people I really really trusted at the time... I love playing out in the puddles after the rain tho... I Love water... I love swimming... but I can't do it often... I have bad ear infections so I have to wear ear plugs anytime I"m near the water really... its not that bad its just a Pain in the butt..
It looked like it was gonna rain for a little bit earlier and I was afraid... but I swallowed the fear and kept doing what I was doing... granted it started to clear up almost immediately with out even Thunder or Sprinkles... but still I think I did Okay to not just leave cause the clouds were dark... I am afraid of everyone around me... not that they would hurt me... but that they will leave... I have Anxiety issues and horrible horrible paranoia... Like I'm always afraid that anything I do is wrong so I try not to do anything without making sure its what they want me to do... and its not just my Wife or any Love interest I have in men... its everyone... all the time... If I do something and I find out at any point that someone "Wished they could be doing something else tho they don't mind doing this" I almost cry cause I'm afraid I have messed up badly and they will no longer want to be my friend, or they wont love me anymore is they are one of my love interest or wife, or that they will keep talking to me just long enough to steal all my friends and love interest and run away with them.
I also know that the paranoia bugs people so I try not to keep asking them is they are okay... or if I have made them mad and I just sit there analyzing every look, glance, twitch, joke, laugh, thought, that I can watching and waiting for a reason for me to disappear alone for a while and cry fearing the loss of everything and everyone I love... Its stem's from my mom deciding to try and put me up for adoption in High School after I had escaped her "Family Business" and been bounced around from family member to Family member. She was like "Well if no one wants her and I'm not getting child support or Food Stamps from her, why keep her can I put her up for adoption now?" My Grandmother took me after that... for a while... Finally after all that some of my family knew about me and Hunsy (who Is my wife now and has been with me forever) My mom tried to have me Institutionalized for being Bisexual. She said I was sick and needed help... So I slit every major artery open I could and gave her a reason to think I needed to be in the hospital... Not the smartest thing I ever did but... anyways that s enough for the night Sleep well yall bai bai
Welcome one and all, the show is about to start... take your seats and hold your breath, I promise this is one show you will never forget
 NyxianaSpades · Sun Dec 07, 2008 @ 07:13am · 0 Comments |
