I am very acute to when I reach danger levels. One would think with the past week being relieved of me that I would be much more at ease. If anything, it is worse. I say this only because now I can act on things and I am no longer contained in a room. I am no longer able to lock myself up for my own safety. I have to carry around my dears for protection now. It was the only thing I could do last night from stopping moving altogether. I am going to be their wind up doll for a while.
Like always I don't know why I am so sad. It started about two days ago I think. I couldn't stop singing or thinking about the stars and crying or the moon and hopes and dreams. I started getting too deep in my philosophy but I thought I was only being poetic. When smiles turn into the very thing you fear, what are you to do? I know I have a problem again and no one can really help me. I just have to get through this. I'm not gonna do anything to myself but I know I won't be able to truly smile until I cry.
I have two group projects and a lot of other stressors. I hate group projects the most. I am always in a group that thinks I am a dumbass. In English I probably have the highest grade but they think I am the stupidest person there. -.- They didn't even let me finish my idea before dismissing me and telling me what I was to do for the project. I understand that they have a say that is valid and all but they didn't even try mine. I tried to explian it but they closed up. Their preconvieved notions got in the way. I have another group project in speech where I am the drawing person. Hopefully they won't kill me too. I also have to let this guy see the place for one of the possible roomies. I have a tight schedule and a lot of work to do over finals.
I don't want to think of vacation. It only stresses me out more. Then I need to figure out when I am going down, when to come back, to decide on a roomie, pack s**t, get presents, plan the sisterhood, get together with friends, come back early, call my gma, spend time with the family, and finish signing up for classes. It also tries to make me think of school ending and I hate that notion above all. Don't ask me when I get out. Don't ask me my plans. Don't ask me to plan now. Please, don't hurt me so.
Last night I was stuck in junior high/elementary school. I went to Christy's house and spend all the night/morning watching an anime called "12 Kingdoms." It was amazing. It reminds me of all the nights we spend to the wee mornings watching anime. I would be alone and watch the light penetrate the windows softly as I stared at the scenes unfolding. The music that touched my heart once more made me silly. The storyline itself was teasing me with this false mindset. I could not escape junior high/elementary school. Christy was alseep in the other room but one of the other friends she had made recently, named Deeba, was next to me. She surfed ont he computer then she too went to bed. As it aired an hour away from class, my heart raced. All of a sudden I needed to be back in San Francisco. My heart was beating too fast and my mind spun. Too many stressors. Too many responsibilities. Too little time.
Too weak
