I grew proud from having friends that supported me and the growing consciousness of how much people feared or respected me.
I was humbled by the recognition of what I had done to others around me and what happens when power consumes you.
I became kind when no one was left for me. When you are all alone, all you have is yourself and you make a point to never ever hurt people on purpose.
I forgave when I was unforgiven. To know the pain of being unforgiven for something makes you realize how cruel it is to be forsaken when you are truly sorry. All you want is to be recognized as forgiven so you don't bruise them for the future as you know you could be (or are).
I learned to control my anger when I was used. Knowing your emotions betray you is the best lesson to jump start being aware of when they urge or start to surge.
I learned assumptions are dangerous when I almost lost my darling dear. If you have time to assume, you have time to ask and as a friend you are obligated to try to understand unless it is too over your head or hurts you in some way.
I have always been too trusting and learned to be more desicive about who to give my trust and secrets to once I discovered there has always been a 'rat.' I am more suspicious of people's motives now but I still generally give them the benefit of the doubt, which is probably not good but I see it as a positive quality as I did with trusting all.
My hurt has been a great teacher over these years as has the love all have given me.
My imperfections are strewn along the path of my life as I try to grow. My habit of running away or disguising the truth I recognize and try to improve. Some of these imperfections I cannot get rid of because although they have bad qualities, they are also good. Running away and disguising the truth protect me and while hurting people also protect them from losing me. My weakness and hatred for myself keep me from being too proud but also leave me vulnerable for unhealthy tendencies of coping (eating too much, locking myself indoors, neglecting grades or not eating at all).
I learned more about relationships and friendship that has been integrated into my character.. just to better find out who I want to be and maybe... just maybe, finally love myself. Maybe one day I will truly love myself. One day I will be able to look in the mirror and see something that I can be proud to call mine. Someone who I can like.
I don't pretend to be perfect now but I do hold onto the fact that I am still growing and will always grow as long as their is love out there in this world to be given and received.
