I've been watching only like one movie a day, which is really good for me. I've been working out and eating healthy. The movies I do watch reduce me to tears and if I cannot cry enough I stop the movie and put in another that eventually leads me to tears.
Mainly I am just stressing about the money. I don't wanna upset Jaime and I want a job but there really aren't many opportunities available right now. We are in an economic crisis people really don't want to hire more people than they need, esp. younger people with little or no experience.
I need a weekend with a friend. Maybe Christy will let me stay over at her place a night. That would be nice. I miss her. Indeed I do. I miss everyone at this point. With all the tears I just want someone to hug or hold me close so I know the world isn't spinning out of spite for me.
Whenever I think about asking my parents for money I always think about all those years with depression and how wasteful I was. I think about the mistakes I've made and whether they think I am worth the cost. I think of whether they miss me or whether they think of me at all. I wonder if I really am worth the money. I calculate the money they give me and start to shake at the thought that one day I will need to make that much to support myself. I freak out. I run down the stairs. I cannot find that moon above my ocean.
I look forward to tomorrow and school. There at least I will be surrounded by people. Normal people. Weird people. Pretty people. Stupid people. People. People. People.
No one calls me.
