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Pick Up
Dear Jen,
You really shouldn't be worrying so much. I think you just need to write again. I know your wrist hurts a little so I guess typing is alright for this time but be more careful from now on when you try to sit down, okay?
It's okay that you feel this guilt. The part that is potentially a problem is how you deal with the guilt. Yes, I know. Guilt is my curse. Guilt even though I should have none grows as I know I have guilt for not needing to have any.
What do you feel guilty about?
Well, my neighbor is acting up again. It really freaks me out. He won't stop harassing us. I ... feel like it is partially my fault. I wished for a stalker for so many years then this? Really? Wish come true... no. I know it isn't my fault in this way but it makes me feel uncomfortable because it is so close. It's hard to deal with. We went to the villas and reported him this time. We filed another police report and they just laughed at us. Seriously, they just looked at us like... we were ******** crazy. My god, I am tearing up. I know this isn't all I am upset about. Keep going. Keep going.
All day today and yesterday I have not been able to sit myself down seriously. My mind just keeps being like 'yea.. RIIIIIIIGHT' I don't know. It frustrates me that I cannot motivate myself. I ... wish I knew what I wanted to do in life. I wish I knew where I was trying to go. I don't.... and I feel so guilty. If I knew where I wanted to go in life I could find someone to be with that could support my interests and everything. If I knew where I wanted to go I could save my parents money. I could find happiness and succeed. God, that word again. Succeed? Really? I hate that word, almost as much as I hate the question 'why.'
I feel like I should have to decide right here and now how I feel about people. Why? I don't want to. I don't want to draw lines! I don't want to kick people out or embrace people for the wrong reasons. This is so painful. I feel like i am being torn apart.
This guilt is like a stone on my chest, restricting my breathing. It only wants frivilous things. It wants fun and pleasure. It wants unproductive things. I don't want that! I don't! It does. I don't even know which is which anymore. Chisai? Sakura? Are they one? Are they none? Did I kill them overnight? Are they merged for reals? ******** damn.
Dearest Jen doesn't want to write cards. Cards are so restricting. I feel like I am writing an essay. I promised to write them and I did. There are three in my desk already written. I won't send them. I can't. I won't. Cards are evil. I can't. NO ONE WILL WRITE ME! WHY SHOULD I! WHY! I AM SO TIRED OF IT! ... achem.... NEeeeh. Damn I still feel like s**t. OMFG I just .. I don't know. I .. .. I. my . words. What ... I just don't know. . .. . . .. . .. . . . . .damn.
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